Silent Screaming

Suicide Trigger Warning

I never tell anyone when I'm suicidal. I know that I should, I just can't bring myself to do it. When I'm suicidal alone, I feel like that's an honest emotion. But when I tell people I'm suicidal, I feel silly like a child asking for attention, and I'm afraid that's how they see it. So I don't tell anyone. I can't. I keep it bottled in and try to self medicate with cannabis and alcohol or prescription painkillers, and I pretend that everything is okay. Or withdraw from people. Because "fake it till you make it" or "hide so they don't see" are what I was taught growing up. That to express your emotions was self absorbed because you'd ruin everyone else's good time.

It's hard to get out of that mindset that was drilled into you during your formative years. The famous saying goes, "Give me a boy until the age of twelve, and I will give you a man." That's because from the time your born until the time you're twelve (your formative years), you're learning things that will become the foundation of who you are. These years have the most impact on your life out of any. And what happened to me up until I was twelve? Let's just say I learned that the most valuable thing I could do in life is what I was told to do. Sit down, shut up, hide your emotions and bottle your feelings, don't have an ounce of extra body weight, obey what you're told, don't ask questions, grow up and graduate college to take care of everyone else, get married and have lots of children, and be a perfect ray of sunshine all the time.

Have I done that? Well. I got married. I've been a disappointment everywhere else. And normally, given that list, you'd think that was a good thing. But not when everyone around me says otherwise. I know I'm a failure. You don't have to say it. But they do. All the time. "Why aren't you in college? When are you going to have children? You need to get realistic about your life because you need to make real money and take care of me when I get old. You're getting fat, you need to diet. Stop with the tattoos, that's trashy and you look like trash." Etc.

And lately it's not just that. So many things are changing. My husband is away longer, my best friend is moving to the exact opposite side of the world, my other friends are still in the "single life, get drunk every weekend" phase. My nana is being condescending to me because I choose not to write my letters in cursive, even though my handwriting is super neat and professional looking. My uncle won't talk to me because my depression caught the best of me and I never cashed his wedding check before the six month cut off (to be fair though, my husband didn't know where he put it for the last four of those months). And even though I try to explain, I get no response. My dad keeps spending time with my brother and asking about me, trying to get back in my life. My mum's health is getting worse and her spine is pulling away from the muscle, so she's putting on so much pressure to move in with me - which I don't want to happen under any circumstance. My husband doesn't want it either but he offers me no alternative solution. It's just "I don't want her here, but I'm too nice to say it and will deny it if asked. She's your mother. You disappoint her." Which is fair to say that she's my mother and I should handle it, but he has to help me, right? As my husband, shouldn't he help me find a solution that I can present to her as an alternative other than leaving me with no other reason than "no way in hell"?

I'm just not happy anymore. I hate how I look, I hate how I'm going to look when I change my appearance the way my husband told me to. I hate my brain and everything else... I'm just not happy.

And I've stopped seeing my therapist. I ended it. I just can't go anymore because every time that I do, I keep hearing my ex friend saying "you have a therapist, I don't." And the more irrational (and unfortunately, the loudest) part of me says, "you don't deserve this; if you were suffering on your own, people would like you better." Every time I had a session, I kept hearing that over and over and all I could think was "I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve to be here." So I cut off the sessions and I stopped going to my support group. I told them I was done. I keep lying to my husband and friends and mum about it so that they think everything is just great, but instead I stay at home and cry and look at myself in the mirror while naming all the things I don't like about myself.

More than once, I've craved cutting myself again. I've craved the ease of physical pain. That I can deal with. That I can understand and fix. Honestly, I just wish that I can close my eyes and stop existing. But I'm afraid of what comes after that. Not the dying, but... the unknown. Is it blackness? Nothingness? A lot of people who've died for several minutes at a time say so. And I'm so terrified that there's nothing next, that I'm wrong about an afterlife. I've gotten a self help book on existential death anxiety, but it's only making it worse. I don't sleep anymore and my panic attacks have increased. I'm at my wit's end.

If I wasn't afraid of the nothingness after death, I would die.

How To Be A Friend (And Decent Human Being)

Background: Why The Topic?
I've been reflecting with my group about the situation today with the nameless girl that is way too into herself. They brought to my attention that apart from focusing on herself all the time (her own problems and emotions, how everything relates to her, etc.), her main problem was jealousy.

Okay, I'm not self centered enough to say "she's just jealous" every time she throws a childish tantrum, but I noticed they're right. You see whenever one of us (our friends) is successful, she gets bitter. Maybe she hides it sometimes and smiles and congratulates us (to her credit, she does sometimes do this), but underneath she's comparing herself and harboring resentment because she's not doing better than that. Never mind that oftentimes her goals/dreams are unrealistic or too ambitious for where she's at that moment, never mind that she gets impatient and doesn't realize that a lot of her interests are niche and won't be hugely successful in the way she wants. She can't see any of that and instead gets jealous of the success around her.

Gone are the days of her shedding material wants in favor of peace and balance; now are the days where she wants success and status, material wealth. This isn't a bad thing, but being realistic about how to get it would do her well. I know many times we've told her that the things she wants to do are great and all, but not many people are interested in it during this day and age. Not everyone values the things she does, so realistically she can't expect to build this awesome empire on it and become insanely rich like she always seems to want. This is said in hopes that she doesn't continue to hate on herself and lash out at others because she is frustrated. Instead, she sees this as us devaluing her and saying her interests are shit - not at all what we're saying. We only say that it's good to try. It's good to work. It's good to be ambitious and have goals and love what you do - but in the real world, not everyone values that niche interest. Not everyone will be lining up halfway around the world just to have her services. So don't be disappointed if the going is slow and you're not amassing great wealth. So don't take it out on us if we have better luck with our endeavors because we have real world experience and know what people will want, what they're after and interested in. Sure, keep doing what makes you happy, but don't get disheartened if it isn't getting the results you want and don't be a bitch and ruin our happiness just because we find success. Which brings us to this article's main topic...

So You Want To Be A Decent Human With Friends...
How do you be a good friend? How do you be a decent human being? From an INFJ perspective, it's really simple: stop being a dick.

          1. Everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you get a free pass to lash out.

So many times she'd accused me of lacking compassion when she'd never shown it in the first place. Everyone has problems. Just because you're having a bad day, or week, or life it doesn't mean you get to take that out on people. Get the chip off your shoulder. Get over yourself. Stop treating people like shit or they won't like you anymore and won't want to put up with you. Problems are no excuse to treat everyone around you like a punching bag, then wonder why they aren't being nice to you. If I did that (and admittedly I have, but have apologized later when I calmed down), she would've escalated it and been a bitch right back. Which I'd expect of anyone. But there's no double standard.

Moral: If you're a bitch, who will want to care about you? Live every day like you won't be alive for the next one. Think of how you want people to remember you when you're gone.

          2. Don't push people away to see if they care; it's unhealthy and sick, and no one likes playing games.

If you care about someone, you don't play sick games with them. You don't push them away to see if they care. Instead, remind yourself that if they didn't care, they wouldn't be there in the first place. Look for all the little ways they show they care - asking how your day is, listening when you talk about work and plans even if they have nothing to contribute and your interests are vastly different, coming to you when they're worried about a mutual friend, opening up about their plans, and so on. There are hundreds of ways people show they care if you actually take the time to look.

Moral: Pushing someone away just to see if they fight is creating unnecessary drama and negativity. You're purposely making things hard on them and stressing them out just for your own sick validation. And if you keep pushing, eventually they won't come back. Even the kindest people have their limit.

          3. If a friend or loved one is successful, be happy for them.

If someone in your life is successful, be happy. Share in that joy. Celebrate with them. Because as the biblical saying goes, "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous... It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful..." If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy and successful. You don't compare yourself to them and ruin their happiness because you don't have what they have. You don't lash out and wreck their joy, tear down their accomplishments because you are jealous. Their happiness is your happiness. Their sorrow is your sorrow. Be glad they are well and don't think about yourself. It isn't about you.

Moral: Tearing down someone's accomplishments or making light of them (acting as if anyone could do it and stating that maybe you'll do it too, as if it's so simple) is a shit thing to do. Comparing your success to theirs and being resentful that you're not doing as well is unkind. Jealousy isn't flattering, and that's not what caring for someone is about. Let them be happy and celebrate with them - without harboring jealousy and resentment - or don't you dare call them friend.

And that's it.

Now that I know, what do I do about it?

Stop lashing out just because you're unhappy. Channel your emotions into something positive. Write a blog. Exercise. Meditate. Watch funny videos. Read a book. Get some sunshine. Work on constructive plans to solve your problems. Don't blame others for them and/or take it out on them. There is never an excuse for treating a person like shit just because you can.

Stop playing games with people's emotions just so you have validation. Validate yourself. Look for all the ways you can find that people show they care. If people didn't care, they wouldn't be around you. The games you play are sick and unhealthy and cruel. Seek help from a councilor, religious figure, or therapist.

Stop being jealous of the success around you and just be happy for those you love. Stop comparing success. Are they in the same field of work/study in a competitive environment where their success is actually detrimental to yours? Are they taking clients and/or your livelihood away? No? Then why the fuck does it matter!? Keep a journal of gratitude (I'm grateful I have a roof over my head, food on the table, a goal in life, clothing to wear, spending money, a vehicle, etc). Guaranteed, you have more than a lot of people do. And if you're still feeling resentful toward them for doing well, then you're not really their friend. Go find somewhere else to be, and stop bringing others down just because you're jealous.

And that, my friends, is the INFJ way of thinking. Until next time, be decent.

You're Better Than Friends

Life is full of little complications. People aren't who you think they are. They blame you for their problems and accuse you of not having compassion for them when they have no compassion for you. Just because they're having difficulties in their political climate or personal issues, it doesn't give them license to be a complete and total twat. There's no excuse for treating someone shitty when they've done nothing to you.

For instance, this infuriating girl. She can't see past her own nose and is self centered enough to think that everything is about her and directed at her personally. I'd mentioned wanting to do film, but the problem here is even if you have talent, you won't be looked at twice if you don't have the right school credentials to go along with it. You'll be stuck doing grunt work, busting your ass and hoping that one day you'll get a chance to be noticed - and you probably won't unless you're lucky. She said she thinks knowledge is more important than prestige. This is all well and good, but I said that unfortunately she's not the rest of the world. This was met with a hearty "Excuse me?" As if I said that her not being the rest of the world translated into "fuck you" or something. Then she told me to go enjoy my "prestigious life."

Well, after mentally slapping her across the face as hard as I could, I explained. Rudely, but you know I'm pretty sick of her shit. She then accused me of not wanting to talk to her. Ahem... Bitch, if I don't want to talk to someone, I DON'T TALK TO SOMEONE. So I told her until she got over herself, I was going to mute her. Cue her ranting about every problem she has, none of them actually my fault. They ranged from her country's politics and currency problems to not sleeping, to escapism through films, to how she feels like an idiot (which she noted as me rubbing that in, somehow - hey, if I could I would; she is being an idiot). Follow that up with her saying she pushes people away to see if they love her enough. First off, that's extremely unhealthy. Second, if you push someone away the chances are they're eventually going to get sick of your shit and decide it's not worth it and just LEAVE. Another point of interest - I'm supposed to say "Oh, wait. She's not usually like this. There must be something wrong." Does she do that with me? No, she just gets all pissy and makes things worse. Do her problems give her the right to be shitty in the first place? Not at all. Is she usually like this? Yes. Actually, this asshole behavior is a norm for her so nothing seems out of place. Just another day in "I'm the only one having problems, so I can have a temper tantrum and act like it doesn't happen all the fucking time, then blame you for my problems and accuse you of being insensitive and compassionless."

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the reason for posting this whole shit show above. Some people aren't worth your breath. They aren't worth you wasting a thought on them. For a time, you can convince yourself that if you just try hard enough, if you keep things light and don't share your thoughts and problems, if you can keep your own darkness away from them then it'll all be worth it. You can make yourself believe that you matter to them and that they truly care about you. You may even lay awake several nights in a row after an argument and wonder if you really are the bad guy, that maybe you somehow overlooked a crucial part where you were cruel or evil or deliberately malicious. But you weren't. Hell, I read all the messages a dozen times. They all follow the same pattern.

1. She has problems separate from me.
2. She works herself up over them and takes something I've said out of context.
3. She applies this to her problems and convinces herself that I'm the cause of her problems or contributing to them.
4.  She says nothing and lets it boil and fester deep inside, harboring this secret "injustice".
5. We have a completely normal conversation.
6. She takes something out of context and twists it in her head to an insult directed at her intentionally.
7. She blows up at me.
8. Exhausted, I call her out on the bullshit and craft a rude retort because I have my own shit to deal with and I'm tired of being the punching bag for her to take her emotions and perceived slights out on.
9. I walk away.
10. She rants and rants and rants, in which time she drops all her problems and neuroses on me, blames me for it, and plays the victim card.
11. I proceed to drink heavily, rant to a friend who claims they'll be there for me when I need them, and play violent videogames.
12. Said friend isn't actually there for me, so I proceed to drink even heavier and anonymously seek validation from strangers on the internet.

So why do we even bother with people like that? Why do we bother with friends who are only "there for you" after something drastic happens, then vanish when you have need of them?

"I'll be there for you. You can always talk to me, you know. You're not in this alone. Don't kill yourself. Just talk to me."

"Okay, I need help. I'm so tired of everything and I'm more than ready to die."

And silence. Maybe one will stick around for a few minutes to pretend things are okay but the second the talk turns to real stuff, as soon as you need their help, poof. Gone in a puff of smoke like they never were. It's strange to think that people I've never met and never will meet are my lifeline. This blog and all of you (your comments, your emails, your shares on Google+) have done more for me than those who tell me to entrust them with my life. You're always there, blowing up my inbox with your support and your own stories, your own rants. You know how I feel. You're in my corner and I'm in yours. That's the kind of support you don't get from friends.

Because when no one knows who you are, you have nothing to lose.

1. 
   

I'm A Hypocrite

When people tell me their problems - which they always do, even strangers - it's a burden. Sometimes. When they can tell me calmly and without being overly dramatic, I can take it easily.

YES:
I missed my sculpting lesson because my dad had to work and I couldn't go. What if I fall behind? What if I lose my edge and become worse and worse? What if this affects my future? I'm worried.

NO:
My dad had to work and couldn't take me to my sculpting lesson. He doesn't care about me! I hate him and I hate everyone! I'll never be good enough! No one cares what I want! I might as well kill myself!

The overly dramatic types make me sick. Not as in I'm disgusted by them, but as in physically sick. They stress me out and make me tense, and their negativity makes me feel negative. And then comes my depression. And, lately, anxiety. (I'm just a bundle of fucked up shit, aren't I? No, that was rhetorical. Stop nodding.)

In my group sessions, I was told as an empath (and INFJ), people will open up to me because I'm easy to talk to. It's just how I feel. I put people at ease and make them feel like they can tell me anything. And I actually listen. They see that. I give good advice. They feel that. So I find myself attracting all kinds of people. (Lucky me.) Substitute teachers would talk to me about their kids or divorces or what have you during lunch or recess or break. Strangers would gravitate toward me and open up about their whole lives. Even my own father once confessed to me that he was so stressed about the future that he thought about killing himself. (Great parenting, that. But I never expected much from him.) Even my own mother told me things that I really could have gone my whole life without knowing, things that were negative and have been a burden on my life ever since. Things that I carry with me to this day.

So in my group sessions, I was told to stop taking the negative as much as possible. This was triggering my stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I was told that to minimize it, I would have to discuss with my friends and family the impact it was having on me and ask them to find other outlets for their problems and negativity. I told my friends in the kindest possible manner to fuck off with their problems and ranting, and just pair up with each other. (Because I'm sweet like that, giving them solutions.)

I tried to make them understand what I lived by my whole life:

1. You're not a special snowflake; everyone has problems.
2. Have something negative to say? Keep your mouth SHUT, even if it's about yourself. Negativity begets negativity. What you put out is what you get back.
3. If it's a burden on you, then it's a burden on others. Say nothing. Better to suffer alone than force others to suffer with you.

So now we come to the hypocrisy of it all. I had an anxiety attack this morning, which made me a bit vulnerable, so I spouted a problem that's been on my mind to a dear friend. She says it doesn't bother her and that she feels like it's her purpose in life to be there for people and help ease their burden.

I think to myself, "This girl is not an empath. She's not an INFJ. I'm really shitty at this, then, because she's better than me."

I can't even take it when people simply say "I'm having a bad day." (YOU'RE having a bad day!? So is Syria! Think about THAT!)

Once upon a time, I felt like that too. I felt my purpose was helping others and protecting them, standing up for what was right even when no one else was, listening to anyone who had something to say... But here I am, a fucked up meatbag, and this person is consoling me? On top of that, I - who's sworn never to burden others (and hasn't 98% of the time through my life), who tells others to talk to someone else - I am blathering my problems and burdening someone else!? Even if she says she doesn't mind, I'm a hypocrite for talking to her about my problems. I just turned around and threw my issues in someone else's lap. How is that right? It isn't. And even though I don't think she'd ever use it against me, I've been very wrong before. That's how I started hating people in the first place. One too many wounds. And I've put myself in the position to be stabbed again.

What is wrong with me!?

But... I'll admit, it was nice having someone to talk to for once. Even if it was wrong to burden them and put out negativity. Even if now they can take that little white flag of surrender and impale me with it.

The Way Things Are

People always tell you that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give it your all. Go above and beyond. I don't think those people realize that sometimes, things just aren't going to work...

I've never tried so hard at attempting friendship. I've put so much thought into things. I've tried to pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I've tried to think of things she would want to try. I've tried to come up with ideas of new things I had hoped she'd love to experience. I've bought beauty things, panpipes, hair dye, things from inside jokes, stuffed animals, treats, teas, organic things, fox things, anything and everything she'd mentioned wanting to try or showed an interest in. But I guess in my excitement to give her my version of affection, my way of saying what I can't say, I waited too long.

She no longer likes half the things I bought for her. She no longer has interest in the plans we'd made long ago. Had I really hoped for that? Yes. Stupidly, yes. Like a child, I hoped that she'd still want to visit. I'd hoped we'd return that friendship shell to the beach together. I hoped that she'd still, in some small way, want to be part of my life. That she'd want to move here one day, after we repaired everything.

So I tried. I made games I thought she'd like. I worked hard to surprise her when I restarted old ones. I tried to show interest in her life, asking the reasoning for things she did. She always seemed offended by it. I guess she wasn't used to me showing an interest and saw it as a challenge of the things she liked and worked for. She no longer seems to want to share. She's said so.

I wanted to make her happy, so I gifted something she wanted very much. She seemed happy, and so I was happy. I felt good knowing that something had gone right, that I showed I still cared. I assured her it was nothing, not a big deal at all. It wasn't. I could easily give her that. Even if I couldn't, even if it was a sacrifice, I would've done it if I knew she was going to be happy with the gift. I showed her how much I had and asked for advice in the hopes that she would suggest some things for me to get and, in doing so, reveal things that she liked. And I'd give them all to her. But that didn't work out. Instead, she gave me a gift in return. I bet she felt obligated and maybe like I was bragging. Another failure on my part.

I had decided to be more open about my life - the people I was seeing, the things I was doing, papers I had to write, books I adored and wanted to share with her, etc. But I always felt boring and like she didn't want to hear it. So I've stopped mostly. I only still share a bit because if I stop all together... Well, I've done that before and it upset her. Maybe I just have to find the right mixture of aloof and present?

I joined her game recently, hoping to make her have fun. She invited me, so I did it. I made a character like me on the inside, looking for a place to fit in, wanting her companionship, openly expressing what goes on in my head - people watching, observing, trying to mimic others to fit in so they'll like her, wanting so badly to be part of something... That also didn't work out at all. Once again, I'm not playing with her but another of our friends. I worried constantly that she'd see it as preference, that she'd think I liked our other friend more. She created new story arcs within the game. I've been torn over trying to make another character to interact in the stories she wanted to be in, rather than trying to chase after her with a manifest of my inner, vulnerable self that she rejected. I understand that was the character she was playing, but I've never tried so hard in a game to be involved with a character she played. I hoped she'd pick up on that, maybe draw the conclusions. Nope. I failed at that too.

But now... Now I realize that things are failing because that's just the way it is. She won't visit. We won't go to the beach. We won't be able to heal things. She'll never be close with me again. Nothing will ever be the same. She will move to France or wherever else across the ocean and I'll still never see her. She will never move here. Things will never be better.

It's killing me inside, but... It is what it is. I'll just have to learn to be okay with that.

Personal: The Friendship Myth, A Cynical Rant

No one gave me a guide on how to realize when people just weren't worth it and I needed to let them go. I was always taught to shut my mouth and suffer in silence, treat them the way I wanted to be treated even if they didn't follow that same rule. I was always taught to suck it up and deal with my problems on my own, but always listen to others and try to help. These double standards were ingrained in my brain, etched into the very core of my being.

Recently, I've been learning to undo this damage (yes, damage) and start taking care of myself, my emotional needs. Apparently, for clinically depressed suicide risks, it's bad to surround yourself with negative people. Common sense should've told me this, but part of me is still stuck on that "help people, keep to yourself, treat them how you want to be treated" stuff.

Tangent: You know, in life this isn't a practical school of thought. We're taught the golden rule when we're young and we're pretty much supposed to let it rule our life. Even several religions say to treat your enemies with kindness and not retaliate. Where's that good, Old Testament eye-for-an-eye philosophy? I'm here to tell you what I'm just now learning: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE. If they're negative all the time, overly sensitive to the point where you're afraid to say anything, if they make mountains out of molehills and take things out of context, if they twist your words, are constantly passive aggressive and then deny it, are insensitive but accuse you of not caring when all you do is care, if they make your shared hobbies feel like obligations and chores, if they act spoiled and throw tantrums when they don't get their way, and/or are basically soul-sucking hypocrites... Ditch them. Did that really need to be said? When it's put like that, it's so clear to see, yet we can never see it when it's actually happening. But here it is again: YOU DESERVE A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT THINK ABOUT MORE THAN JUST THEMSELVES. YOU DON'T NEED THE DRAMA. We can't pick our family, but we can sure as hell pick our friends. Why should we settle? Why should we suffer?

Back on topic... I've been at risk of suicide for a while. The last attempt was Christmas which, oddly enough, had nothing to do with the holiday. That was just how the timing worked. My friends know this. One in particular doesn't seem to give a shit about me, or anyone but herself for that matter. She makes everything about her and she always accuses others of the same things she's guilty of doing - whether or not the accusations against us are true.

Example. We share a hobby. I'm trying not to spend too much time around her because she's negative and that puts me in a bad place. I have legitimate medical instructions in writing to distance myself from negative people and situations (among other things) to help lessen my depression and lower my risk of suicide (as well as lower my stress levels because they are quite literally off the charts - seriously, there were charts). Again, she knows this. Still, she pesters me to take part in this hobby - though it is dull for me now, stressful, she's too emotionally invested in it, and it puts me in a bad place. I tell her this, that I don't want to and I'm not interested. Maybe some other time. But then she gets passive aggressive. She says things like "Lol I should just go fucking die. Cheers." No, I mean it. Those were her exact words today, all because I just asked for a little understanding and didn't want to play some dumb ass game that hasn't held my interest for about a year now.

After saying that I'll be more than happy to just chat with her because she says she's been feeling lonely and isolated, then still receiving passive aggressive comments...

Me: Look, I just don't like [it] anymore. I'll get to it when I get to it. It would just be nice if you could understand that.
Other Friend: It's not about [that specific game] for her. She just wants to [play] with you. It doesn't matter which [game].
Me: (Feeling like they just don't get it and like they're going to start dragging me into negativity and gang up on me...) I'm gonna go.
Other Friend: Oki. (With heart emoticons.)
Her: Lol I should just go fucking die. Cheers.

I mean, who the hell does that!? After knowing I'm struggling daily with not offing myself, and knowing that it's just me not wanting to play this game because she's bored and lonely (and she pesters me about it every time I'm online for any decent length of time), she get's like that. Then they proceed to discuss behind my back ways in which she and I were wrong. Normally, I'd encourage this - gain perspective from an outside party. I do it. But HOW WAS I WRONG HERE? Seriously, tell me if you see it.

You see, friendship is a myth. Everyone says it's full of love and understanding, acceptance and building each other up, support... But it's not. People lie. People manipulate. People are self-centered and take advantage of you if given the opportunity. They don't care what you're going through if it doesn't effect them directly.

I'm sure some of you are saying: "That's not true! My friends care about me! I care about them!" Yes, well just wait. If you genuinely care, then it's more than likely they don't. For every person who genuinely gives a shit about people, often at the expense of their own happiness and well-being, there are three people pretending to feel the same and are ready to turn on their friends at a moment's notice.

Am I bitter? Yes. Cynical? Obviously. But am I wrong?

No.

Why I Don't Have Female Friends - And Why I Want To Keep This One

She was emotional, fragile, immature. She constantly made assumptions and picked fights when things didn't go her way. She demanded special treatment and pouted when refused. Somehow, through all of this, I had come to call her friend. But I was starting to wear thin. Everything was so dramatic with her. One small fracture in her perfect world and she was ready to end it all.

Meanwhile, I had to sit there and comfort her. I had to make her feel better because I was her friend and I cared. On the inside: I have never had an easy day in my life. Abuse. Neglect. Being moved from place to place, school to school, home to home. Crumbling, infested buildings where I didn't even have a bedroom. Where I kept my things in my mum's room and slept in the hallway or on the couch. Being beaten up daily by my sibling and kids from school. More suicide attempts than I'll ever admit, starting as young as when I was eight. Anorexia. Self harm. Drugs. Anything to make it stop. Sneaking out, being reckless, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend in a desperate search for love and worth. Being beaten by some boyfriends. Cutting myself in concealed places so no one would notice: my stomach, my thighs, ribs, chest. Crying myself to sleep every single night for years. Friends telling my secrets to the whole school. Being blackmailed by them. My closest friend lying to my brother by saying I was a lesbian (among many other false claims), which resulted in a huge family fight that almost got me given up for adoption. And here you are. You can't go somewhere you want? The world suddenly isn't worth living in. Your mum can't give you something you wanted? She must not love you. A friend didn't want to put up with you for one measly day because they are having a hard enough day without your mood swings? You go full emo and talk about how the world is cruel and unloving.

I was angry. I tried to reason that to someone with a life such as hers, these must seem like terrible hardships. Perhaps there was more to it than I was told. But with each of these episodes, it became harder and harder to find some sort of explanation in my mind. I tried to be good. I did. I tried to listen and help, to put things into realistic perspective, to give her a dose of tough love or reality for her own good - because one day, she would be out in the world and see how things really are. And because I love her like a sister, I wanted to make the transition into a real and hard life as smooth as possible. I even offered to let her come live with me. To help her pursue her dreams, whatever they may be. I gave what little I had so that she could feel loved.

But no.

Today, I was having one of the hardest in a while. Several small, but important issues merged into one gigantic "fuck you." I was caught in the middle. They all wanted me to take sides, but at the same time they were sure to get pissed with any decision I made - even if it was on their side. They demanded I mediate. I couldn't turn my back. Family is family, blood or no. And she chooses today to get short tempered. I accidentally sent one harmless message to her instead of someone else, and it offended her. "Done. Bye." An agreement to do something and quick parting for someone else turned into "I hate you" to her.

She makes assumptions all the time. About everything. Instead of asking for clarity to make sure that something is intended the way she took it, she immediately pulls out the guns and starts firing. So when that simple message was accidentally sent to her (while I was typing a long message in a notepad, explaining something she was asking about), she asked what the hell my problem was and told me to stop freaking the hell out on her. This was the last straw for me. She already knew I was feeling ill. That alone should have (in my mind) made her a little bit kinder. I lost my temper and snapped back that I meant to send the message in another chat and that I was tired of her making assumptions and shitting all over me about it.

"Likewise." Really? I have never been unreasonable. If I did something out of anger, it was always justified. I even asked three or four people that always tell me the truth, even if the truth is "you're an asshole." They thought it was justified. But that's beside the point. I don't need to go down that road right now.

"I'm just tired of getting stomped over most of the time." This really upset me. Everything I've done, I've done to help her. Whether to make her into a more well-rounded and grounded person, to tell her the truth even if it's not what she wants to hear, to be honest always, to take into consideration the situation. She appreciates nothing. I wonder if I should even let her move here. On the one hand, for some reason she matters to me - more than most. She's the complete opposite of me and sometimes I want to hit her over the head with a brick, but in her own way she does try to help - sometimes. On the other hand, she's emotional and moody, unrealistic, quick to jump to conclusions, dramatic, holds grudges... I could find a million things to complain about. But for some reason, even looking at all of that, I still care. I still want the best for her. I still want to see her happy.

And I really fucking hate that.

I hate that I should have every reason to walk away by my standards, but for some reason I can't. I think about all the times she's made my life stressful and made me scream into a pillow until I couldn't speak... and all I want is to make up with her.

My point is, I don't like being friends with 99.8% of the female population. They're hormonal, irrational, frustrating, tedious, and I just hate them. But for some reason, she seems to be the only female friend that I just can't let go of. That (for some confusing and frustrating reason) I don't want to let go of. 

She will probably read this and we'll probably get into another horrible fight. But in the end, I'll still try to find a way to fix it, even though I will be positive I'm not in the wrong. I will still make myself sick and lose sleep, allow my depression to creep up and medicate with alcohol, become moody and withdrawn until things are back to normal between us. I will still write hundreds of passive aggressive statuses and delete them before even posting them. I will still complain to my guy friends about "women." I will still rant and rave to the empty house... I will still exercise until I vomit, "accidentally" cut or scrape myself on surfaces to feel calm when I get angry over it, still obsess about every single syllable, still type out countless messages that will never be sent - angry, sad, sorry, begging, raging, and nonchalant. And in the end, I will still need her in my life.

Because God knows why. And it's either a sick joke He's playing on me, or she's here for a reason. I'm betting on the latter, and I intend to stick with her until she is sick of me. Which, based on our recent argument, is likely to be soon.

And I'll still be wondering why.

Being Ignored

I've been told by therapists that I'm borderline narcissistic. Those of you who read this blog know that I am young and just starting out in the world. I can't afford regular sessions, so I save up and shell out for individual sessions on rare occasions. On all of these occasions, the discussion always turns to my father.

I didn't get much from him growing up. In fact, the only things I will credit him with are poverty, my short height, and the inherited narcissism. Again, those of you that read know that despite being classified as a highly functioning sociopath (HFS), I'm keeping it well under control and struggling to make some sort of positive impact, as well as attempting to break the negative and emotionless stereotype of sociopaths. So, likewise, I've been keeping a check on my narcissism. This is really hard to do. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm entitled to a bit more respect than I get from some people. I feel like my words and advice carry more weight than the average person because I know more about a person than they know about themselves. As such, I put a lot of thought and insight into what I say. That why it bothers me so much when they refuse to listen or act like what I say doesn't matter.

The issue we're going to discuss today is being ignored.

No one likes it, even if they don't like attention. Me? I don't like drawing attention to myself, so when I go out of my way to speak to someone or let my voice be heard, ignoring me is as bad as spitting in my face. This may sound narcissistic, and it is. But truly think about it for a moment. If you're extroverted and outgoing, imagine how it would feel to suddenly have everyone dismiss your thoughts and ideas, or to stop talking to you as if you don't exist. If you're introverted, or just misanthropic as I am, imagine deciding to stand up and say something, only to have people scoff at you and jeer or act like they can't hear you. Doesn't feel good, does it?

I was thinking about this today as I was being ignored (it gave me a lot of down time), and I realized that it's not how many people hear you, but what you say, how loudly you say it, and how strong you are. It doesn't matter if people are willing to listen. What matters is that you stood up and said it loudly. You took a stand, you stuck by it, and you will keep saying it as long as it takes to be heard.

As for me, myself, personally... I will still be annoyed. And maybe flip them off.