Welcome Back, Isolation and Misanthropy

Have you ever been so mad at someone that your stress levels peaked and your blood pressure rose so sharply that you fainted? I have - quite recently, in fact. It was not my finest moment, and I'm finding it difficult to let go of my rage because I've had no closure on the subject. I was far too hasty and didn't give myself time to say everything that I needed to say. Now I am left with this anger, this sizzling ball of darkness, and nowhere to direct it. But energy is energy, even if it's bad energy, and it needs to go somewhere. Since I'm not directing it outward at my friends and family, I'm directing it inward at myself. It's manifesting in self-doubt, depression, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, decrease in appetite to a point where I'm barely eating each day... It's just slowly eating away at me.

I wanted to talk about it to my therapist because it helps more than the group, but then I remembered that I've left both because I kept hearing the ex friend telling me that I don't deserve help because she doesn't have it. I thought I'd talk to my friends, but she's made it so that I'm doubting everyone in my life. I all see them as potentially horrible and harmful people. And it's this potential that keeps me from going to them when I need help.

I never trusted this girl. I told her bits and pieces here and there that I felt she couldn't really do harm with, mostly because she was constantly nagging me about it and at the time, I wanted her friendship. So I tested the waters and felt out the situation. Sometimes it would go well - for a while. Inevitably, it would always turn to shit. When it did, I went to another friend of ours. Unfortunately, my reliable confidant is having less and less time because she is moving to another country in just two or three weeks. When she does, the time zones will be so different that we'll hardly get to speak to one another. (Besides that, I've stopped confiding in her because I don't want her more stressed than she already is; I struggle to keep positive and supportive for her, but I do it because that's what friends do.)

Okay, that's rough. But I still have my husband, right? Since he's on the road 90% of the time, I thought I could skype him once or twice a week to talk about things. Boy, was I wrong. When I needed him and opened up, I was met with a blank stare followed by laughing, followed by "girls start so much drama." This naturally spiraled into more laughing and criticism related to females and not to the situation. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him. And that's made me feel more alone than I have in my whole life thus far.

I like being in control and I don't like admitting when people get to me, but this girl really fucked me up. I've had people do that before in the past, immature people right out of high school. I never fully recovered or opened up to anyone, really. Now this girl has made it so that I see villains in everyone I've ever sort of trusted. She's made it so that every second I'm tense and stressed, waiting for an attack out of nowhere (and over nothing) like she used to do. I'm second guessing everything and doubting everyone. I'm skittish, I hardly leave the house, I don't tell anyone anything, I've left my therapy - ALL of my therapy - and my health is declining from the stress.

This is the only safe place I have left. My only haven, my last resort.

[Trigger Warning]

But this can only help take the edge off. It's nice to get everything that's buzzing in my head written down so that I can see it more clearly, but it's like shouting into a void. (Score one for tying into a previous post.) No echo, no voices shouting back. Empty nothingness that will never be heard.

I feel like that void is slowly expanding toward me and I don't know how to stop it. I fear that when it finally reaches me, I will have given up and taken my life.

I wonder what they'll say about me when I'm dead...
And if there's an afterlife, I'll be watching and silently saying that I hated them all.

Organ damage, loss of family, and new life direction...

I have recently found out that I have damaged some internal organs. Long story short, there was blood and pain and nausea. I have to take things slowly and carefully for a while. There is no one to talk to about this. People always say that they are there for you when you need them, but when you look... They can't be bothered with you and you just feel like a burden. If your friends make you feel this way...

Look, I don't fucking know anymore. I can't be there for them because I'm not stable and I'm a suicide risk. They can't be there for me for whatever reason. But that still leaves me with no one to talk to. I'm all alone with this. So I do what I do best: I go to my anonymous blog where no one comments and no one even subscribes. Is it comforting to vent? Yeah, sure. In some ways. Do I still need someone to comfort me and tell me that I'm not going to die? That would be nice. Am I going to get that? No.

Another thing that has turned my world upside down: my aunt committed suicide two weeks ago. I never saw it coming. She never talked to any of us about it. No one knew she was having problems. Aside from grieving, I'm terrified that it could be me one day. I never can talk about it either. Everyone I talk to has one of the following reactions:

1. Ignorance. "Just perk up and stop being sad. Exercise and get fresh air. You'll be fine." Gee. Thanks. Like it's so easy to do. Treatment resistant clinical depression finally has a cure! Just stop being sad and take a walk. Brilliant. My life is saved. Let me say this clearly: YOU CANNOT JUST SNAP OUT OF TRUE DEPRESSION. IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN YOUR BODY. IT IS THE WAY YOUR BRAIN IS WIRED. IT'S PART OF YOU AND YOU CANNOT JUST "STOP BEING SAD."
2. Overreaction. They take the butter knives away at dinner. They watch me like a hawk. If I go to take an aspirin for a migraine, they insist on opening the bottle and giving me the minimum dose before hiding the bottle. They demand to know where I'm going every time I leave for the bathroom to piss. They don't trust me at all, and they make me feel like a freak. It's humiliating, depressing, and it stresses me out. This is not at all helpful.
3. Irritation. "I'm going through my own things and let's face it. You're depressed all the time. You're always going through something. Nothing's going to change, so I just need to focus on myself right now. Don't talk to me about it again, okay? I don't want to hear that negative stuff." Everyone goes through things. My life happens to be shittier than most in certain aspects. If I could change that, I would. Depression never goes away, especially since I can't take medication. Does that make me less deserving of support just because you're having a bad day? But when problems are small and you won't accept my help, then use that as an excuse not to help me when I'm afraid and alone (like I was promised these people would), I can't help but feel this is personal. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me that they had their own issues: they couldn't go out drinking with their friends because they had to do a paper, they couldn't get their parents to dish out more money to fix all the problems in their life, some guy wouldn't text them back about weekend plans... Come on. Seriously? That takes precedence? Just makes me feel great about myself. (Heavy on the sarcasm.)

Basically, I can't talk to anyone because they make me feel worse, don't and won't understand, or just can't be bothered with me for whatever reason. Yet, when things get bad they always say that they'll be there for me when I need them. I can only conclude that this is only said to alleviate any guilt they felt in ignoring me until they realize how bad things had gotten.

On top of that, I'm legally changing my name soon to avoid my father (who has decided to settle back in town and wants to harass me) and trying to figure out what's going to happen next. Some family shit went down where basically my family was ripped in half and I was caught in the middle, forced to choose. I avoided that as long as I could, but eventually had to stand up for what is right. That leaves me... Where? For one thing, I have to figure out where I actually want to live now that I don't really have a reason to move back to that hellhole of a small town. And I have to figure out what to do with my life. The further I go in my studies, the more I want to do everything. I want ten different careers. I want to be a workaholic. I want to eat, sleep, and breathe this work. It's beautiful. It's fascinating. It's a growing, exciting field and I'm at the beginning of it all. The world is open and all I can think about is how I'll never see my nephews again, how I'll never speak to my brother or sister-in-law no matter how much I want to - because they won't let me. And how my health is declining rapidly.

I'm scared. My whole life is changing fast.

And I'm alone.