I Wrote Her A Letter

I wrote her a letter today
And I tucked it away
I told her all the things that I couldn't say
Back when she was part of me
I told her how I drank
I told her how I wanted to die
Each and every time she made me a bully
In her mind
I told her how I cut myself
I told her how I cried my heart out
I counted every tear for her in the palm of my hand
And fed them to the dirt

I cut myself open
Right down the middle
And peeled back the layers like the pages of a book
I showed her the gouges 
That she made in my heart
I showed her the blackened spots
She left on my spirit
And then I showed her the crumpled, pathetic ball
Of what looked like paper
And told her that was how she left my soul
In between sobs
I begged her to understand
Why I had not spoken to her in over a year

And then I led her to the pit
The bubbling, churning tar of depression
And tendrils of the inky mass
Whipped the air and wrapped around me
In ropes and ropes that pulled at me
"This is loneliness," I told her,
"The loneliness that you left behind,
That I tried to fill with other people
Other hobbies
Other pills
To distract from the space where you had been."
And then it engulfed me
And she walked away

I wrote her a letter today
And my fingers grazed the key
But I couldn't press send
And so I sat in silence and stared at the screen
Wondering if thousands of miles away
She was staring at hers
Writing a letter
To me

Don't Pretend

Don't pretend you're heartbroken
Don't pretend you care about it at all
Don't sit there and cry and tell people that I'm bad
Don't tell them that I don't care
     That I never cared
You can't grieve and be the victim
And then say that it didn't matter
     That it wasn't important or worth it
Don't pretend that you drop everything for me
     Because we both know that I never let that happen
     I never put my guard down long enough
Don't pretend that I am never there for you
     When so many nights, I've listened to you rant and cry
     And threaten to end your life or run off to Paris
     Like Paris is heaven and the cure-all
Don't pretend that I matter to you
Don't pretend that you were my friend
Don't pretend that you listen and follow through on your promises
     Because I only ever walk away and sit in silence when I hurt
     Because that's how I deal with it
          I am not you, do not try to make me be
          This is who I am and what I need, so listen when I say it
          And stop saying that you always help me
          Because you never do, you just push and push and give me your darkness
     I don't want it
     I have enough of my own
So take your darkness back
And take all your poison too
Throw your poison down in the ground
Give your darkness to someone who has light
But don't pretend
Never pretend
That I didn't love you and give you what I had
And don't pretend that I had light to spare...

Suicide In The Trenches by Siegfried Sassoon

I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of rum,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.    

- Siegfried Sassoon