I'm A Hypocrite

When people tell me their problems - which they always do, even strangers - it's a burden. Sometimes. When they can tell me calmly and without being overly dramatic, I can take it easily.

YES:
I missed my sculpting lesson because my dad had to work and I couldn't go. What if I fall behind? What if I lose my edge and become worse and worse? What if this affects my future? I'm worried.

NO:
My dad had to work and couldn't take me to my sculpting lesson. He doesn't care about me! I hate him and I hate everyone! I'll never be good enough! No one cares what I want! I might as well kill myself!

The overly dramatic types make me sick. Not as in I'm disgusted by them, but as in physically sick. They stress me out and make me tense, and their negativity makes me feel negative. And then comes my depression. And, lately, anxiety. (I'm just a bundle of fucked up shit, aren't I? No, that was rhetorical. Stop nodding.)

In my group sessions, I was told as an empath (and INFJ), people will open up to me because I'm easy to talk to. It's just how I feel. I put people at ease and make them feel like they can tell me anything. And I actually listen. They see that. I give good advice. They feel that. So I find myself attracting all kinds of people. (Lucky me.) Substitute teachers would talk to me about their kids or divorces or what have you during lunch or recess or break. Strangers would gravitate toward me and open up about their whole lives. Even my own father once confessed to me that he was so stressed about the future that he thought about killing himself. (Great parenting, that. But I never expected much from him.) Even my own mother told me things that I really could have gone my whole life without knowing, things that were negative and have been a burden on my life ever since. Things that I carry with me to this day.

So in my group sessions, I was told to stop taking the negative as much as possible. This was triggering my stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I was told that to minimize it, I would have to discuss with my friends and family the impact it was having on me and ask them to find other outlets for their problems and negativity. I told my friends in the kindest possible manner to fuck off with their problems and ranting, and just pair up with each other. (Because I'm sweet like that, giving them solutions.)

I tried to make them understand what I lived by my whole life:

1. You're not a special snowflake; everyone has problems.
2. Have something negative to say? Keep your mouth SHUT, even if it's about yourself. Negativity begets negativity. What you put out is what you get back.
3. If it's a burden on you, then it's a burden on others. Say nothing. Better to suffer alone than force others to suffer with you.

So now we come to the hypocrisy of it all. I had an anxiety attack this morning, which made me a bit vulnerable, so I spouted a problem that's been on my mind to a dear friend. She says it doesn't bother her and that she feels like it's her purpose in life to be there for people and help ease their burden.

I think to myself, "This girl is not an empath. She's not an INFJ. I'm really shitty at this, then, because she's better than me."

I can't even take it when people simply say "I'm having a bad day." (YOU'RE having a bad day!? So is Syria! Think about THAT!)

Once upon a time, I felt like that too. I felt my purpose was helping others and protecting them, standing up for what was right even when no one else was, listening to anyone who had something to say... But here I am, a fucked up meatbag, and this person is consoling me? On top of that, I - who's sworn never to burden others (and hasn't 98% of the time through my life), who tells others to talk to someone else - I am blathering my problems and burdening someone else!? Even if she says she doesn't mind, I'm a hypocrite for talking to her about my problems. I just turned around and threw my issues in someone else's lap. How is that right? It isn't. And even though I don't think she'd ever use it against me, I've been very wrong before. That's how I started hating people in the first place. One too many wounds. And I've put myself in the position to be stabbed again.

What is wrong with me!?

But... I'll admit, it was nice having someone to talk to for once. Even if it was wrong to burden them and put out negativity. Even if now they can take that little white flag of surrender and impale me with it.