Personal: The Friendship Myth, A Cynical Rant

No one gave me a guide on how to realize when people just weren't worth it and I needed to let them go. I was always taught to shut my mouth and suffer in silence, treat them the way I wanted to be treated even if they didn't follow that same rule. I was always taught to suck it up and deal with my problems on my own, but always listen to others and try to help. These double standards were ingrained in my brain, etched into the very core of my being.

Recently, I've been learning to undo this damage (yes, damage) and start taking care of myself, my emotional needs. Apparently, for clinically depressed suicide risks, it's bad to surround yourself with negative people. Common sense should've told me this, but part of me is still stuck on that "help people, keep to yourself, treat them how you want to be treated" stuff.

Tangent: You know, in life this isn't a practical school of thought. We're taught the golden rule when we're young and we're pretty much supposed to let it rule our life. Even several religions say to treat your enemies with kindness and not retaliate. Where's that good, Old Testament eye-for-an-eye philosophy? I'm here to tell you what I'm just now learning: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE. If they're negative all the time, overly sensitive to the point where you're afraid to say anything, if they make mountains out of molehills and take things out of context, if they twist your words, are constantly passive aggressive and then deny it, are insensitive but accuse you of not caring when all you do is care, if they make your shared hobbies feel like obligations and chores, if they act spoiled and throw tantrums when they don't get their way, and/or are basically soul-sucking hypocrites... Ditch them. Did that really need to be said? When it's put like that, it's so clear to see, yet we can never see it when it's actually happening. But here it is again: YOU DESERVE A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT THINK ABOUT MORE THAN JUST THEMSELVES. YOU DON'T NEED THE DRAMA. We can't pick our family, but we can sure as hell pick our friends. Why should we settle? Why should we suffer?

Back on topic... I've been at risk of suicide for a while. The last attempt was Christmas which, oddly enough, had nothing to do with the holiday. That was just how the timing worked. My friends know this. One in particular doesn't seem to give a shit about me, or anyone but herself for that matter. She makes everything about her and she always accuses others of the same things she's guilty of doing - whether or not the accusations against us are true.

Example. We share a hobby. I'm trying not to spend too much time around her because she's negative and that puts me in a bad place. I have legitimate medical instructions in writing to distance myself from negative people and situations (among other things) to help lessen my depression and lower my risk of suicide (as well as lower my stress levels because they are quite literally off the charts - seriously, there were charts). Again, she knows this. Still, she pesters me to take part in this hobby - though it is dull for me now, stressful, she's too emotionally invested in it, and it puts me in a bad place. I tell her this, that I don't want to and I'm not interested. Maybe some other time. But then she gets passive aggressive. She says things like "Lol I should just go fucking die. Cheers." No, I mean it. Those were her exact words today, all because I just asked for a little understanding and didn't want to play some dumb ass game that hasn't held my interest for about a year now.

After saying that I'll be more than happy to just chat with her because she says she's been feeling lonely and isolated, then still receiving passive aggressive comments...

Me: Look, I just don't like [it] anymore. I'll get to it when I get to it. It would just be nice if you could understand that.
Other Friend: It's not about [that specific game] for her. She just wants to [play] with you. It doesn't matter which [game].
Me: (Feeling like they just don't get it and like they're going to start dragging me into negativity and gang up on me...) I'm gonna go.
Other Friend: Oki. (With heart emoticons.)
Her: Lol I should just go fucking die. Cheers.

I mean, who the hell does that!? After knowing I'm struggling daily with not offing myself, and knowing that it's just me not wanting to play this game because she's bored and lonely (and she pesters me about it every time I'm online for any decent length of time), she get's like that. Then they proceed to discuss behind my back ways in which she and I were wrong. Normally, I'd encourage this - gain perspective from an outside party. I do it. But HOW WAS I WRONG HERE? Seriously, tell me if you see it.

You see, friendship is a myth. Everyone says it's full of love and understanding, acceptance and building each other up, support... But it's not. People lie. People manipulate. People are self-centered and take advantage of you if given the opportunity. They don't care what you're going through if it doesn't effect them directly.

I'm sure some of you are saying: "That's not true! My friends care about me! I care about them!" Yes, well just wait. If you genuinely care, then it's more than likely they don't. For every person who genuinely gives a shit about people, often at the expense of their own happiness and well-being, there are three people pretending to feel the same and are ready to turn on their friends at a moment's notice.

Am I bitter? Yes. Cynical? Obviously. But am I wrong?

No.