Anger, Depression, and Letting Go

Sort of suicidal trigger warning.

I've been trying to give some self-love here. That doesn't mean masturbation. (Well, maybe not haha.) Basically right now, I've just been playing violent videogames, drinking alcohol, and watching YouTube. I'm trying to remember that it's okay to be angry. It's okay to want to punch someone. It's okay to take time for myself and tell people to fuck off. It's okay to block to spare my sanity. It's okay because I'm human and I'm not going to suppress my emotions anymore.

I'm trying to sort things out and see what I'm feeling. I mostly feel betrayed. I feel like people don't listen to me when I tell them what I need. They always say to communicate what I need, that they'll be there to support me. But when I tell them no negativity - even if I previously told them otherwise, I recently was very clear on my stance - they continue to spout it, then get pissed off when I stand my ground. What they're essentially telling me is that it doesn't matter that their negativity is going to push me to suicide. They need me, so I have to just sacrifice my peace of mind to help them - even though they have other friends and means of support. And who the fuck begrudges someone a therapist? "You have one, I don't." There are other resources - hotlines, forums, online groups, even a free app where you can text for support. There are resources. And I am not her only friend. Why does it all have to be put on me when she knows what kind of space I'm in?

And then she accuses me of not caring about her. Not loving her. Just because I want to put my sanity and mental health first. She was all on board with this until it stopped suiting her, and that tells me that she's the one who doesn't care. Which hurts deeply. And then to see pop up in my feed that this isn't something "worth mentioning." Well, insult to injury definitely. Not that I'm one to talk, ranting on my blog to thousands of strangers. But at least I think this was significant. At least I think this whole thing matters. At least I say that it affected me. This really just reinforces that I don't matter. I am not useful to her, so she's comfortable picking fights and telling me to block her.

Or is this yet another of her sick, twisted games? Because she's admitted multiple times in the past that she'll push people away to see if they'll stay. It's unhealthy to mess with people like that. But for once, I'm resolved to make myself not give a damn. She can guilt trip all she wants. She can act like I'm the monster because I don't drop everything to coddle her when she has other people to turn to. She can be passive aggressive and pick fights because it's "just the space" she's in. But you know what? It won't be with me. Not anymore. Because I'm choosing sanity. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing not to cut my wrists or drink myself into a coma like I want to right now. I'm choosing to let her go and live my life free of her drama and negativity, free of her aggression and accusations, free of all of her mind games. Because if she won't care enough not to keep pushing me when I'm standing on the edge, then I won't care if I ever speak to her again.

It hurts for now, and I'll probably have moments of weakness where I write dozens of messages and delete them. I'll probably cry and keep thinking about killing myself some more. I'll probably stay in bed and stop eating, maybe write more rage-fueled blogs or make myself sick with the stress of it. But I know that it'll eventually get better. I'll stop trying to end it. I'll stop writing groveling messages. I'll get out of bed and shower, brush my hair. I'll eat a snack and play with my cats. I'll be human again. And I'll do that all on my own - without worrying about what she's going to do next.

Remember, guys. Abusive relationships aren't just for parents or significant others. They can include your "friends" too. So if your stomach is constantly in knots because they are starting to get in "moods", if you lose sleep because of the things they say, if you doubt yourself and the kind of person you are, if they play mind games with you just to see what you'll do and if you'll stay, if you sink into deep depression each time they fight with you - step back and let them go. You're worth more than that.

The Way Things Are

People always tell you that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give it your all. Go above and beyond. I don't think those people realize that sometimes, things just aren't going to work...

I've never tried so hard at attempting friendship. I've put so much thought into things. I've tried to pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I've tried to think of things she would want to try. I've tried to come up with ideas of new things I had hoped she'd love to experience. I've bought beauty things, panpipes, hair dye, things from inside jokes, stuffed animals, treats, teas, organic things, fox things, anything and everything she'd mentioned wanting to try or showed an interest in. But I guess in my excitement to give her my version of affection, my way of saying what I can't say, I waited too long.

She no longer likes half the things I bought for her. She no longer has interest in the plans we'd made long ago. Had I really hoped for that? Yes. Stupidly, yes. Like a child, I hoped that she'd still want to visit. I'd hoped we'd return that friendship shell to the beach together. I hoped that she'd still, in some small way, want to be part of my life. That she'd want to move here one day, after we repaired everything.

So I tried. I made games I thought she'd like. I worked hard to surprise her when I restarted old ones. I tried to show interest in her life, asking the reasoning for things she did. She always seemed offended by it. I guess she wasn't used to me showing an interest and saw it as a challenge of the things she liked and worked for. She no longer seems to want to share. She's said so.

I wanted to make her happy, so I gifted something she wanted very much. She seemed happy, and so I was happy. I felt good knowing that something had gone right, that I showed I still cared. I assured her it was nothing, not a big deal at all. It wasn't. I could easily give her that. Even if I couldn't, even if it was a sacrifice, I would've done it if I knew she was going to be happy with the gift. I showed her how much I had and asked for advice in the hopes that she would suggest some things for me to get and, in doing so, reveal things that she liked. And I'd give them all to her. But that didn't work out. Instead, she gave me a gift in return. I bet she felt obligated and maybe like I was bragging. Another failure on my part.

I had decided to be more open about my life - the people I was seeing, the things I was doing, papers I had to write, books I adored and wanted to share with her, etc. But I always felt boring and like she didn't want to hear it. So I've stopped mostly. I only still share a bit because if I stop all together... Well, I've done that before and it upset her. Maybe I just have to find the right mixture of aloof and present?

I joined her game recently, hoping to make her have fun. She invited me, so I did it. I made a character like me on the inside, looking for a place to fit in, wanting her companionship, openly expressing what goes on in my head - people watching, observing, trying to mimic others to fit in so they'll like her, wanting so badly to be part of something... That also didn't work out at all. Once again, I'm not playing with her but another of our friends. I worried constantly that she'd see it as preference, that she'd think I liked our other friend more. She created new story arcs within the game. I've been torn over trying to make another character to interact in the stories she wanted to be in, rather than trying to chase after her with a manifest of my inner, vulnerable self that she rejected. I understand that was the character she was playing, but I've never tried so hard in a game to be involved with a character she played. I hoped she'd pick up on that, maybe draw the conclusions. Nope. I failed at that too.

But now... Now I realize that things are failing because that's just the way it is. She won't visit. We won't go to the beach. We won't be able to heal things. She'll never be close with me again. Nothing will ever be the same. She will move to France or wherever else across the ocean and I'll still never see her. She will never move here. Things will never be better.

It's killing me inside, but... It is what it is. I'll just have to learn to be okay with that.