Organ damage, loss of family, and new life direction...

I have recently found out that I have damaged some internal organs. Long story short, there was blood and pain and nausea. I have to take things slowly and carefully for a while. There is no one to talk to about this. People always say that they are there for you when you need them, but when you look... They can't be bothered with you and you just feel like a burden. If your friends make you feel this way...

Look, I don't fucking know anymore. I can't be there for them because I'm not stable and I'm a suicide risk. They can't be there for me for whatever reason. But that still leaves me with no one to talk to. I'm all alone with this. So I do what I do best: I go to my anonymous blog where no one comments and no one even subscribes. Is it comforting to vent? Yeah, sure. In some ways. Do I still need someone to comfort me and tell me that I'm not going to die? That would be nice. Am I going to get that? No.

Another thing that has turned my world upside down: my aunt committed suicide two weeks ago. I never saw it coming. She never talked to any of us about it. No one knew she was having problems. Aside from grieving, I'm terrified that it could be me one day. I never can talk about it either. Everyone I talk to has one of the following reactions:

1. Ignorance. "Just perk up and stop being sad. Exercise and get fresh air. You'll be fine." Gee. Thanks. Like it's so easy to do. Treatment resistant clinical depression finally has a cure! Just stop being sad and take a walk. Brilliant. My life is saved. Let me say this clearly: YOU CANNOT JUST SNAP OUT OF TRUE DEPRESSION. IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN YOUR BODY. IT IS THE WAY YOUR BRAIN IS WIRED. IT'S PART OF YOU AND YOU CANNOT JUST "STOP BEING SAD."
2. Overreaction. They take the butter knives away at dinner. They watch me like a hawk. If I go to take an aspirin for a migraine, they insist on opening the bottle and giving me the minimum dose before hiding the bottle. They demand to know where I'm going every time I leave for the bathroom to piss. They don't trust me at all, and they make me feel like a freak. It's humiliating, depressing, and it stresses me out. This is not at all helpful.
3. Irritation. "I'm going through my own things and let's face it. You're depressed all the time. You're always going through something. Nothing's going to change, so I just need to focus on myself right now. Don't talk to me about it again, okay? I don't want to hear that negative stuff." Everyone goes through things. My life happens to be shittier than most in certain aspects. If I could change that, I would. Depression never goes away, especially since I can't take medication. Does that make me less deserving of support just because you're having a bad day? But when problems are small and you won't accept my help, then use that as an excuse not to help me when I'm afraid and alone (like I was promised these people would), I can't help but feel this is personal. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me that they had their own issues: they couldn't go out drinking with their friends because they had to do a paper, they couldn't get their parents to dish out more money to fix all the problems in their life, some guy wouldn't text them back about weekend plans... Come on. Seriously? That takes precedence? Just makes me feel great about myself. (Heavy on the sarcasm.)

Basically, I can't talk to anyone because they make me feel worse, don't and won't understand, or just can't be bothered with me for whatever reason. Yet, when things get bad they always say that they'll be there for me when I need them. I can only conclude that this is only said to alleviate any guilt they felt in ignoring me until they realize how bad things had gotten.

On top of that, I'm legally changing my name soon to avoid my father (who has decided to settle back in town and wants to harass me) and trying to figure out what's going to happen next. Some family shit went down where basically my family was ripped in half and I was caught in the middle, forced to choose. I avoided that as long as I could, but eventually had to stand up for what is right. That leaves me... Where? For one thing, I have to figure out where I actually want to live now that I don't really have a reason to move back to that hellhole of a small town. And I have to figure out what to do with my life. The further I go in my studies, the more I want to do everything. I want ten different careers. I want to be a workaholic. I want to eat, sleep, and breathe this work. It's beautiful. It's fascinating. It's a growing, exciting field and I'm at the beginning of it all. The world is open and all I can think about is how I'll never see my nephews again, how I'll never speak to my brother or sister-in-law no matter how much I want to - because they won't let me. And how my health is declining rapidly.

I'm scared. My whole life is changing fast.

And I'm alone.

Personal: The Male Half of the Parental Coupling

Daddy issues - if you don't have them, you can name five people off the top of your head who do. I'm one of the countless people inflicted with these issues, but not in the need-to-bed-people way. On the contrary, he has done emotional damage that leaves me not wanting to pursue anything other than a passing nod with people. Just hearing his name gives me a burst of adrenaline poisoned with anger.

My mother bore these seeds of hatred and planted them in my heart, and for a long time growing up, I hated her too. Who was she to turn me against my own father? But as I grew, I saw for myself what kind of man he was. I came to realize that she was not tearing him down to me to turn me against him, but simply refusing to conceal the truth.

And I cannot fault her for honesty, child though I was at the time.

The man (to use the term very loosely) has been in and out of my life whenever it was convenient for him, the resulting wake of his appearances bringing anger and stress like a dark plague. If you, dear reader, believe I'm being too dramatic... You haven't met the man. Spend one hour with him in without leaving the room and you'll want to vomit and/or kick him down a flight of stairs too. Here, I could recite his many, many faults and atrocities. Instead, I will get right to the reason for this...

I always knew my father was a heartless and manipulative bastard who never wanted me, but he recently made another appearance in my life. The king of poor timing, he's failed yet another marriage (to a woman that I actually came to like and appreciate, even if she was a bit of an idiot) and he's moved back to town. My fiance (of whom my father knows nothing about by my own design) and I have been trying to purchase a permanent residence there. Our families assure us that they will help keep my father out of our lives and that it will be easy enough to avoid him.

No. It will be very difficult indeed. He first reached out to my older brother, a man who had much more hatred for our father than I, than even my mother. I expected at best for my brother to ignore him. Imagine my astonishment when my father then reaches out to me and I find out from the both of them that not only has my brother returned contact, he's exchanged numbers and might even be seeing him for Christmas! So after a long consideration, I realize that this might be a good opportunity to do as I always wanted: let go of my hatred and move on.

But such is the curse of social media... You learn things about people you know that, without it, you would have never discovered otherwise. I have since learned that my father is a blatant xenophobe of the worst kind. I won't spiral into it, but upon seeing this I have to wonder what this says about my own brother. It's no longer a matter of personal injustice, but the very principle of my core beliefs. I cannot and will not ever be associated with anyone who shares the same world views that he does. It's left me with more questions than answers. Why, knowing this, would my brother let him into his life? Why has he not spoken up against the things our father has said and done, both personally and otherwise? Will I have to let go of yet another family member to uphold what I believe in?

Thanks a million for coming back into my life, male half of my chromosomes. And thanks for carrying on the tradition of failing me and my minimal expectations. You're a big fucking help.