From Gender Fluid to Agender / Agender v. Neutrois

Gender fluid. I was sure that I was. I was still confused, but I didn't know any other way to describe the neutral feeling I had. Turns out, it was easier than I thought. Agender. Let's start be defining things to get a basic understanding.

Agender: Not identifying with male or female genders. Not a man. Not a woman. Non-gender.

Neutrois: Same as above with a very fine difference that those who identify as neutrois seek to change their image to reflect their non-gender.

Asexual: Still has sex. Still enjoys sex. Is not sexually attracted to people.
*Will be clarified more thoroughly later on.

Demiromantic: Experiences romantic attraction only after an emotional bond is made.

The Agender v. Neutrois Debate

It's debated that agender and neutrois are the same thing. In my research I've found that in most respects, they are. Agender and neutrois both share the lack of male/female distinction. Most people who are agender or neutrois will even say that there is no difference. Others say:

❝...yes, there is a difference, and it seems you all ready know it: generally an agender person doesn't mind their body, whereas someone who is neutrois may experience dysphoria much like a transsexual and seek surgery/etc. People sometimes use terms like FtN or MtN. Agender and neutrois can be used interchangeably, but neutrois usually has this distinction to it.

I actually used to be neutrois in the past and endured agonising gender dysphoria, but I made a serious effort to learn to like my body and it worked out well in the end, so I don't experience that anymore and identify as agender....❞ asexuality.org

I have a female body. I'm okay with that. People refer to me as she/her. I'm okay with that, too. I am engaged to a very understanding and patient man. I am fine with who I am. I am agender.

Asexual Relationships 

I'm engaged to a man. I love him and he loves me. Most people who aren't acquainted with asexuals have no idea how this is possible. It's very simple. Asexuals still feel love. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are different things.

Romantic orientation: also called affectional orientation, indicates the sex or gender with which a person is most likely to have a romantic relationship or fall in love.

Sexual orientation:  an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, while asexuality (the lack of sexual attraction to others) is sometimes identified as the fourth category.

So, I have made a deep emotional connection with my fiance. I have romantic feelings for him, and he for me. I look forward to spending my entire life with him. I'm excited to marry him and be his wife. We both don't want children, so this works out well.

But... how can it work if I'm asexual and don't feel sexual attraction? Easy. I like sex; it's fun and pleasurable. I still have it. I don't seek it. I don't ever feel the need to. Here is an explanation using donuts as a metaphor for sex:

Simple as that. Enjoy these.

 

Not sure if you're asexual? 

 

I hope this helps someone out there. My next post will be a post about us INFJs. For now, just remember to take things one step at a time. And don't stress. If you feel a certain way, you're not alone. Guaranteed there is someone in the world like you; they might just be a little harder to find.

Gender Fluid and Asexual

I've been studying myself for a long time and I've just recently made a great breakthrough. With the help of online communities, I've come to realize that I'm what people call a gender-fluid and asexual person. When people hear this, they cringe, embarrassed and awkward. They think of cross-dressing or some sexual deviation from the every day heteronormativity. However, this is not the case. In this post, I will share what both terms really mean (it's a safe-for-work topic, actually), why this is an important discovery in terms of myself, and what discovering more about yourself could mean for you.

Gender-Fluidity is More Normal than You Think
Every girl has a day where she feels more like a tomboy or more feminine than usual. This is the same for those of us who are gender fluid. Being gender fluid does not mean one is a boy and a girl. It simply means that we don't feel like any particular gender. Some days, I go all out - dress, manicure, makeup, styled hair, heels... Other days I wear an over-sized shirt, jeans, and converse. My hair? Tangled. One day, I may feel really feminine and the next feel rather the opposite. But 99% of the time, I don't feel like I have a gender. I don't see it as relevant. I'm simply a neutral, and this makes perfect sense, seeing as I'm also asexual.

Don't misunderstand. I am a girl. I know I'm a girl. I like being a girl and I wouldn't rather be any other way. I'm have a fiance, a very understanding and patient man. (This is not to say that anyone different is wrong. I'm a huge supporter of the LBGT community; I'm simply trying to put my situation into perspective.) It's simply that the labels of "man" and "woman" don't really have any relevance in my personal life. I like dresses, but I also like boxer shorts. I read the occasional sappy romance novel, but enjoy hardcore action films with blood and gore. I will wear lipstick and a suit and tie - it makes no difference to me. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I simply feel like me.

Asexuality and Relationships
Asexuality. It's not a deviation. It's not something kinky to be hidden in the dark recesses of a dungeon. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It doesn't mean that we don't get aroused sometimes, or that we don't have sex at all. It simply means that (depending on the person) 51% to 99% of the time, we don't feel aroused, feel sexually attracted to people of any gender, or see sex as something we want. To an asexual person, what we want - above all - is companionship. A deep connection with another soul, a little romance, trust, and steadfast companionship. Basically, a romantic coupling with a lot less sex than the average relationship. Again, that's not to say that asexuals never have sex and never get aroused. No matter who you are, there is still an inborn desire for coupling. It's true that some may never feel it because they never come across the right situation or person - but they do have the ability to feel it. Every person does.

It's Important to Know Who You Are
Again, it is important to know who you are. Repeat that to yourself and commit it to memory. Whether it's about your sexuality, your flaws and vices, your likes and dislikes, your morals, your boundaries, or how far you can bend until you break (metaphorically), knowing who you are is a vital part of your life. By knowing yourself - all of yourself - and learning to accept it, you can start to become comfortable in your own skin. And when you're comfortable, when you know where you stand, you can more easily accept others for who they are and find your own happiness in life. Be open to the world and new ideas. Branch out, learn new things. You may find that what you thought you wanted isn't what you need. 

I always thought that I would grow up, get married, have children, and work at a hospital. It wasn't until I started questioning myself and examining the triggers of my clinical depression that I realized... that's not what I wanted. That wasn't what I needed. In trying new things (hobbies, studies, subcultures, and so on), I began to find my own life - not the life that I had been pushed to accept by others. I'm a million miles from where I started just four years ago, when I graduated high school. I've found out a lot about myself - good and bad. The point is this: if you're unhappy, you don't have to be. If you think you're happy, test that theory. Try new things. Be brave. Don't be afraid to give yourself an honest look. Life's too short.

“When asked “What thing about humanity surprises you the most?”, the Dalai Lama answered:

“Man…. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”