People always tell you that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give it your all. Go above and beyond. I don't think those people realize that sometimes, things just aren't going to work...
I've never tried so hard at attempting friendship. I've put so much thought into things. I've tried to pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I've tried to think of things she would want to try. I've tried to come up with ideas of new things I had hoped she'd love to experience. I've bought beauty things, panpipes, hair dye, things from inside jokes, stuffed animals, treats, teas, organic things, fox things, anything and everything she'd mentioned wanting to try or showed an interest in. But I guess in my excitement to give her my version of affection, my way of saying what I can't say, I waited too long.
She no longer likes half the things I bought for her. She no longer has interest in the plans we'd made long ago. Had I really hoped for that? Yes. Stupidly, yes. Like a child, I hoped that she'd still want to visit. I'd hoped we'd return that friendship shell to the beach together. I hoped that she'd still, in some small way, want to be part of my life. That she'd want to move here one day, after we repaired everything.
So I tried. I made games I thought she'd like. I worked hard to surprise her when I restarted old ones. I tried to show interest in her life, asking the reasoning for things she did. She always seemed offended by it. I guess she wasn't used to me showing an interest and saw it as a challenge of the things she liked and worked for. She no longer seems to want to share. She's said so.
I wanted to make her happy, so I gifted something she wanted very much. She seemed happy, and so I was happy. I felt good knowing that something had gone right, that I showed I still cared. I assured her it was nothing, not a big deal at all. It wasn't. I could easily give her that. Even if I couldn't, even if it was a sacrifice, I would've done it if I knew she was going to be happy with the gift. I showed her how much I had and asked for advice in the hopes that she would suggest some things for me to get and, in doing so, reveal things that she liked. And I'd give them all to her. But that didn't work out. Instead, she gave me a gift in return. I bet she felt obligated and maybe like I was bragging. Another failure on my part.
I had decided to be more open about my life - the people I was seeing, the things I was doing, papers I had to write, books I adored and wanted to share with her, etc. But I always felt boring and like she didn't want to hear it. So I've stopped mostly. I only still share a bit because if I stop all together... Well, I've done that before and it upset her. Maybe I just have to find the right mixture of aloof and present?
I joined her game recently, hoping to make her have fun. She invited me, so I did it. I made a character like me on the inside, looking for a place to fit in, wanting her companionship, openly expressing what goes on in my head - people watching, observing, trying to mimic others to fit in so they'll like her, wanting so badly to be part of something... That also didn't work out at all. Once again, I'm not playing with her but another of our friends. I worried constantly that she'd see it as preference, that she'd think I liked our other friend more. She created new story arcs within the game. I've been torn over trying to make another character to interact in the stories she wanted to be in, rather than trying to chase after her with a manifest of my inner, vulnerable self that she rejected. I understand that was the character she was playing, but I've never tried so hard in a game to be involved with a character she played. I hoped she'd pick up on that, maybe draw the conclusions. Nope. I failed at that too.
But now... Now I realize that things are failing because that's just the way it is. She won't visit. We won't go to the beach. We won't be able to heal things. She'll never be close with me again. Nothing will ever be the same. She will move to France or wherever else across the ocean and I'll still never see her. She will never move here. Things will never be better.
It's killing me inside, but... It is what it is. I'll just have to learn to be okay with that.
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