Hello, 2018: It's All About Perspective

Backstory time!
Since around May 2017, I've been in gradually worsening pain from my wisdom teeth. I only have two, both on top. But let me tell you.. they've been raising hell. The one on the left hasn't really been a problem. It hasn't broken through the gum (it seems to have stopped moving) and the tooth is coming in straight. The one on the right, however? It broke through the gum and came in at an angle. And one day when I was sick, I had a lozenge in my mouth for my sore throat. I fell because I was dizzy and fainted a little, biting down on the lozenge when I hit the ground. It cracked my wisdom tooth which has since impacted on the molar next to it.

For those of you who may not know, this is bad news.

When a wisdom tooth impacts, you want to get that sucker out as soon as possible. Where it pushes on your molar is where it creates a host of problems, including pain and possible infection from trapped bacteria and debris. Brushing has little to no effect, and flossing only goes so far; it can't go into the gum or very far under the tooth - if you can get it between them at all.

Since I've gone seven months without it getting pulled out (due to a research trip to the Virgin Islands and busy surgeon offices), it's been gradually worsening - to the point that the root and/or nerve is exposed and little bits of the tooth break off now and then. I floss and brush after every meal and any time the tooth starts to ache. It triggers my already chronic migraines (which makes me sensitive to temperature around me, light, and loud sounds), makes the entire right side of my skull ache, has given me a near constant fever (between 100.4F and 101.5F), and makes me feel like I have the world's worst earache (because they share a nerve cluster). Why do I tell you all this...?

Perspective.
You see, I'm a firm believer in the essentiality of suffering. It's part of the human condition. Without bad, there's no good. Without sorrow, there's no joy. By the same token: without pain, there's no relief. I learned from this pain. I will never take being pain free for granted again. I know what it's like to have to shut myself away in a silent, dark room while I want to be out doing things just because I'm in constant agony. I know what it's like to have to wear sunglasses indoors like an asshole just because the lights make my migraine worse and nauseate me. I know what it's like to need to wear earplugs or noise canceling headphones, but can't because anything touching my right ear causes pain and makes me wish I was dead. I know what it's like to starve because food/food temperature is too much to handle and nothing is helping. I know what it's like to overdose on both acetaminophen and ibuprofen. It's not fun.

But in comparison, just existing without pain is glorious. It gives me a brighter outlook and fills me with gratitude. Food tastes just a little better, friends are a little more welcome, and my attitude is a little brighter. And, guys? It's so hard to be depressed when you're feeling so good, so relieved, and so grateful.

In three days' time, my wisdom teeth will finally be gone. All in all, that's a pretty fantastic way to start the New Year, and I will carry this perspective and gratitude through the year. I'll remember the long months where crying was a norm and everything was hell, and I'll smile because I won't have to endure that again. I will be able to sleep through the night, rest my head on my hand, eat cold and hot foods, smile and laugh without cringing... And I hope that attitude will inspire a positive change in me this year, one that will help stave off my depression, return my patience and compassion, help me keep focus, and be just a little bit more human. I just have to remember to look back at where I've been and be thankful that it's behind me.

Because when it comes down to it, it's all about perspective.

Goodbye, 2017

Ah, here we are at the precipice of a new year. I've been silent through most of it, and that's because I was at either end of two extremes: peaceful and content, or raging so hard that there were no words left to express myself as I spiraled into the depths of darkness. Sounds emo when you put it that way, but I assure you it was as completely opposite of "attention seeking, angst-ridden, puberty-stricken child" as it could be. There were no poorly penned lyrics to be found, only shutting myself away from contact and wishing I would stop breathing.

Looking back over everything, it's a wonder I survived. My stress levels were so high so often that I would pass out or vomit, once in front of my own mother. But through it all, I did my damnedest to present myself with a smile and kind words, to mediate disagreements between PMSing friends who like to bitch about things that don't really matter in favor of ruining the good mood of others. I mean, honestly. Who bitches about going to the coast for Christmas? Who bitches about fictional characters to the point that it affects your relationships with real people? Who screams at people in public over a cake that wasn't their job when they should be supporting you and trying to make your very stressful time easier? Oh, right. My friends and family. To say I wasn't feeling up to this holiday season is a drastic understatement. Let's just say I'm looking at houses as far north as possible.

On the other hand, I am now in self imposed exile to get away from friends who are constantly being bitchy because they're having personal issues. I hate when people do this, because it means they have less regard for me than I have for them. I plaster a smile on my face, reassure them, referee, and try to keep the peace. Why can't they? Just the bare minimum of effort is all I'm asking for. I could give them some leeway if I knew they were bottling it up like I do, if they needed space and weren't very open, preferring to keep problems to themselves and work through it alone. But they work through things by talking about it. They like communication. SO WHY THE FUCK AREN'T THEY COMMUNICATING? Why do they expect us to read their minds and know what's going on with them, expecting us to excuse their shitty behavior just because they're having a bad day?

1. They should tell us so they're having a bad day.
2. They shouldn't take it out on their friends.
3. If they feel they're about to, they should explain and walk away until they can change their attitude.
4. If they do take it out on us, they should say why and apologize when they calm down.

Have they done any of these things? NOPE. They continue to infect us with their presence, expecting us to know they have personal issues and bend over and take it while sucking up to them like they shit rainbows. Pretty terrible, right? So I told them that I was done caring about people who weren't going to care about me, that I wasn't going to keep giving an effort for people who don't even try to do the same, and that I wasn't going to hide things anymore just to spare their feelings if they're just going to be shitty to me about it anyway. I muted their messages, contemplated the reasons for continuing to exist, hoped they would get sodomized with hot sauce, and proceeded to watch shows online until I could quell my rage at the inequality in my friendships.

I think for 2018, I need to find friends who give as much as they take, who put in the same things I do, and who try their hardest not to take things out on other people. I want to find friends who aren't flaky or bitchy, who make me want to open up to them, who make me feel that I can trust them, and who add something to my life instead of just take. And I want my family to stay out of my life. I'm not taking care of you like some old woman I'm supposed to pity. I'm not ruining my life by staying in this horrible place so you don't have empty nest syndrome. I'm not letting you get in my business just so you can feel relevant. I'm not going to sacrifice my youth just to make you happy. Parents need to learn to unclench and let their children do what's best for them. You did a good job if they leave the nest and get their own lives. You don't try to hinder their progress and hold them back because you're selfish - and that's what you're being. You don't try to play the pity/guilt card just because you want to feel like you can manipulate them into taking care of you.

What sick, twisted, manipulative, selfish people wouldn't want the best for their kids, even if it means they have to move away? Oh yeah. You guys. My mum and mother-in-law BLOW. Keep each other company and stop trying to stand in my way just so you don't get lonely. I want to have a life. I want success. I want freedom. I want to see what I can do on my own. I don't want to babysit you, cater to your needs, have you in my business every day, deal with your moodiness, inappropriate behavior, repetitive stories when you're drunk (often), and embarrassing redneck antics (that you chose when you moved south). I want to be someone with dignity who makes a difference in the lives of others and works toward a better future for the world. And I can't do that if you try to keep me here, sacrificing my health and happiness. LET GO.

So 2018, you are going to start with some boundaries, distance, and a firm stance on myself before others. Too long I have pushed myself to the back. Now it's time to take back what's mine for my health and future.

I encourage you all to do the same.