For instance, this infuriating girl. She can't see past her own nose and is self centered enough to think that everything is about her and directed at her personally. I'd mentioned wanting to do film, but the problem here is even if you have talent, you won't be looked at twice if you don't have the right school credentials to go along with it. You'll be stuck doing grunt work, busting your ass and hoping that one day you'll get a chance to be noticed - and you probably won't unless you're lucky. She said she thinks knowledge is more important than prestige. This is all well and good, but I said that unfortunately she's not the rest of the world. This was met with a hearty "Excuse me?" As if I said that her not being the rest of the world translated into "fuck you" or something. Then she told me to go enjoy my "prestigious life."
Well, after mentally slapping her across the face as hard as I could, I explained. Rudely, but you know I'm pretty sick of her shit. She then accused me of not wanting to talk to her. Ahem... Bitch, if I don't want to talk to someone, I DON'T TALK TO SOMEONE. So I told her until she got over herself, I was going to mute her. Cue her ranting about every problem she has, none of them actually my fault. They ranged from her country's politics and currency problems to not sleeping, to escapism through films, to how she feels like an idiot (which she noted as me rubbing that in, somehow - hey, if I could I would; she is being an idiot). Follow that up with her saying she pushes people away to see if they love her enough. First off, that's extremely unhealthy. Second, if you push someone away the chances are they're eventually going to get sick of your shit and decide it's not worth it and just LEAVE. Another point of interest - I'm supposed to say "Oh, wait. She's not usually like this. There must be something wrong." Does she do that with me? No, she just gets all pissy and makes things worse. Do her problems give her the right to be shitty in the first place? Not at all. Is she usually like this? Yes. Actually, this asshole behavior is a norm for her so nothing seems out of place. Just another day in "I'm the only one having problems, so I can have a temper tantrum and act like it doesn't happen all the fucking time, then blame you for my problems and accuse you of being insensitive and compassionless."
Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the reason for posting this whole shit show above. Some people aren't worth your breath. They aren't worth you wasting a thought on them. For a time, you can convince yourself that if you just try hard enough, if you keep things light and don't share your thoughts and problems, if you can keep your own darkness away from them then it'll all be worth it. You can make yourself believe that you matter to them and that they truly care about you. You may even lay awake several nights in a row after an argument and wonder if you really are the bad guy, that maybe you somehow overlooked a crucial part where you were cruel or evil or deliberately malicious. But you weren't. Hell, I read all the messages a dozen times. They all follow the same pattern.
- She has problems separate from me.
- She works herself up over them and takes something I've said out of context.
- She applies this to her problems and convinces herself that I'm the cause of her problems or contributing to them.
- She says nothing and lets it boil and fester deep inside, harboring this secret "injustice".
- We have a completely normal conversation.
- She takes something out of context and twists it in her head to an insult directed at her intentionally.
- She blows up at me.
- Exhausted, I call her out on the bullshit and craft a rude retort because I have my own shit to deal with and I'm tired of being the punching bag for her to take her emotions and perceived slights out on.
- I walk away.
- She rants and rants and rants, in which time she drops all her problems and neuroses on me, blames me for it, and plays the victim card.
- I proceed to drink heavily, rant to a friend who claims they'll be there for me when I need them, and play violent videogames.
- Said friend isn't actually there for me, so I proceed to drink even heavier and anonymously seek validation from strangers on the internet.
So why do we even bother with people like that? Why do we bother with friends who are only "there for you" after something drastic happens, then vanish when you have need of them?
"I'll be there for you. You can always talk to me, you know. You're not in this alone. Don't kill yourself. Just talk to me."
"Okay, I need help. I'm so tired of everything and I'm more than ready to die."
And silence. Maybe one will stick around for a few minutes to pretend things are okay but the second the talk turns to real stuff, as soon as you need their help, poof. Gone in a puff of smoke like they never were. It's strange to think that people I've never met and never will meet are my lifeline. This blog and all of you (your comments, your emails, your shares on Google+) have done more for me than those who tell me to entrust them with my life. You're always there, blowing up my inbox with your support and your own stories, your own rants. You know how I feel. You're in my corner and I'm in yours. That's the kind of support you don't get from friends.
Because when no one knows who you are, you have nothing to lose.
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