Losing Reality: Part Two

Day to Day: "Sleeping"
9:00a - 11:00a... I sleep, then I wake up. No. I don't sleep. When I manage to exhaust myself, it's only to fall into nightmares that blur in reality - a half awake, half asleep state. I can move around my house, see and interact with everything. But there's a new plot line going on in my head, conversations I'm not actually having that are entirely made up, shadows and shapes, screaming and panic. Yet nothing is actually happening. After a couple of hours, I snap out of it and realize that I've been half asleep and tormented by my own mind.

Have you ever seen the episode of Psych, "A Nightmare on State Street"? The whole episode, you can never tell what is a dream and what is real until messed up things start happening. And when Gus wakes up, you can't help but wonder if he's actually awake this time or if the whole episode is just in his head. Nothing really seems to track from one scene to the next.

Exactly like that, except without the benefit of Bruce Campbell watching you like some creepy cultist playing
hacky sack with your brain and innermost fears.

Trust me, it may not be better physically... but for the sake of sanity, it's best to just choke down the caffeine pills with a cup or two of coffee.

12:00n - 1:30p... My second round of sleep. This one is heavy. Too heavy. I can't move, though I feel my limbs falling asleep and my muscles knotting up. For the first fifteen minutes, I'm intensely aware of everything around me. Then it's confusing dreams that I used to have every night as a child, tainted by real world knowledge of pain, death, and the burden of knowing that you'll always be truly alone no matter how many people there are in your life that say they love you. Yet still... Every sound around me in the waking world is amplified and echoes in my head, seeming much too real to actually be real - like some cosmic being in the sky is trying too hard to convince me that this isn't all just a holographic simulation.

Oh, wait... (Link)

Yeah, thanks science.

Losing Reality: Part One (Intro)

Catching Up
I've lost a lot of people recently. Most notably, my friend K. This hit me very hard.

I lost my mask. I lost my ability to conceal my thoughts and emotions, breaking down publicly the moment I heard about it. Everyone saw me completely lose my shit. Life is never fair. Just when you think that it is, it pulls out a giant and jagged knife, heats it on the fire until it glows red, and then just stabs you over and over and over again.

Since then, I've had yet another existential crisis, losing my grip on what reality is. I can never be sure what day it is, what I've been doing, or if anything even matters enough for me to care about that. Time just slips through my fingers rapidly while I contemplate if I'm actually alive or if everything is in my head. At other points, time seems frozen and infinite, and so much happens within what is actually a short span.

NODUS TOLLENS

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre.

Everything changes from one day to the next and I can't control these seemingly random emotions. When I'm angry, I start laughing uncontrollably while I hit things and then begin to feel gut-wrenching despair. When I'm happy, I don't realize it until later because happiness now takes on the form of numbness. When I am depressed, I go off the deep end and start looking up how to tie a noose in preparation. And all of these emotions occur out of nowhere without a corresponding trigger. I think I preferred the emotionless detachment from before.

At a Time Like This
At a time like this, I should probably not be:

1. Left alone for three consecutive weeks.
2. Left alone for three consecutive weeks without my car.
3. Left alone for three consecutive weeks without my car, in the middle of nowhere without any real human contact.
4. Deprived of the opportunity to see another flesh and blood human in person.
5. Contacted by my much hated estranged father.
6. Given access to copious amounts of alcohol and less plentiful amounts of food.
7. Met with the realization that someone I love is too emotionally fragile to ever be with me when I need them, and most especially when I don't.
8. Realizing that numbers four, six, and seven are entirely my fault - but now I'm unable to correct them.

I thought that emptiness was the worst thing that could happen to a person, but I was wrong. The worst is knowing that you're spiraling out of control and you actually can't stop it. No inspirational speaker, no self help books, no conversing extensively with support groups can save you like everyone always led you to believe. You are utterly and completely powerless to the own whims of your thoughts and emotions...

LIBEROSIS

n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life.

 Now that I'm done setting up the background, let me tell you about what happens when you start to lose your grip on reality...

Personal: The Male Half of the Parental Coupling

Daddy issues - if you don't have them, you can name five people off the top of your head who do. I'm one of the countless people inflicted with these issues, but not in the need-to-bed-people way. On the contrary, he has done emotional damage that leaves me not wanting to pursue anything other than a passing nod with people. Just hearing his name gives me a burst of adrenaline poisoned with anger.

My mother bore these seeds of hatred and planted them in my heart, and for a long time growing up, I hated her too. Who was she to turn me against my own father? But as I grew, I saw for myself what kind of man he was. I came to realize that she was not tearing him down to me to turn me against him, but simply refusing to conceal the truth.

And I cannot fault her for honesty, child though I was at the time.

The man (to use the term very loosely) has been in and out of my life whenever it was convenient for him, the resulting wake of his appearances bringing anger and stress like a dark plague. If you, dear reader, believe I'm being too dramatic... You haven't met the man. Spend one hour with him in without leaving the room and you'll want to vomit and/or kick him down a flight of stairs too. Here, I could recite his many, many faults and atrocities. Instead, I will get right to the reason for this...

I always knew my father was a heartless and manipulative bastard who never wanted me, but he recently made another appearance in my life. The king of poor timing, he's failed yet another marriage (to a woman that I actually came to like and appreciate, even if she was a bit of an idiot) and he's moved back to town. My fiance (of whom my father knows nothing about by my own design) and I have been trying to purchase a permanent residence there. Our families assure us that they will help keep my father out of our lives and that it will be easy enough to avoid him.

No. It will be very difficult indeed. He first reached out to my older brother, a man who had much more hatred for our father than I, than even my mother. I expected at best for my brother to ignore him. Imagine my astonishment when my father then reaches out to me and I find out from the both of them that not only has my brother returned contact, he's exchanged numbers and might even be seeing him for Christmas! So after a long consideration, I realize that this might be a good opportunity to do as I always wanted: let go of my hatred and move on.

But such is the curse of social media... You learn things about people you know that, without it, you would have never discovered otherwise. I have since learned that my father is a blatant xenophobe of the worst kind. I won't spiral into it, but upon seeing this I have to wonder what this says about my own brother. It's no longer a matter of personal injustice, but the very principle of my core beliefs. I cannot and will not ever be associated with anyone who shares the same world views that he does. It's left me with more questions than answers. Why, knowing this, would my brother let him into his life? Why has he not spoken up against the things our father has said and done, both personally and otherwise? Will I have to let go of yet another family member to uphold what I believe in?

Thanks a million for coming back into my life, male half of my chromosomes. And thanks for carrying on the tradition of failing me and my minimal expectations. You're a big fucking help.

Depression: Naturally

A Brief Personal Introduction to My Depression

If you read anything I've posted in the past, it's clear that I struggle with clinical depression. I've even come out and said it. The problem is, almost all medications that I've seen for depression come with the warning that it could cause suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, I fall in the percentage of people that experience this.

Now, in case I haven't mentioned it (it's been a while since I've posted, so I don't know), I live in the middle of nowhere - now by myself since my fiance has a job that makes him travel. But he's happy and makes really good money, puts his degree to good use. Great benefits, nice secure job, and so on. We can afford things, fun stuff. We have some money to waste and we're not struggling. I should be happy. I am happy.

But the depression hits. And being in the middle of nowhere - alone - for months at a time starts to make the bouts of depression more frequent.

In fact, last week it was the worst it's been in a while. I exercised, ate an orange, made some tea, and was talking to a friend online. And then out of the blue, I couldn't be cheerful. Everything felt awful. It was a struggle just to eat, to sleep, to move around. It was hard to function. All I wanted to do was stare at the wall for seven hours with some music (which I've done a few times before).

I've been trying different natural supplements to help with that in lieu of the medication that only makes it worse. Here's what I've found...

St. John's Wort 

It's this little yellow flower that is crushed up and put into these capsules that look like plastic. You know the kind I'm talking about. 

❝A 2008 Cochrane review of 29 clinical trials concluded that it was superior to placebo in patients with major depression, as effective as standard antidepressants and had fewer side-effects. According to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH) of the National Institutes of Health, it "may help some types of depression, though the evidence is not definitive," can limit the efficacy of prescription medicines, and psychosis can occur as a rare side effect. wikipedia.org

For some reason, it made it a little difficult to focus on something; I was slow to understand things like card games, seeming to be in a constant state of mild confusion. You can't spend a lot of time in direct sunlight when taking this, and that was irritating as hell. Not that I spend a lot of time outside, but when people are around (when someone comes over to visit on rare occasion, my fiance comes home, or I visit family - all likely at least once every other month), I spend a lot of time outside. It didn't seem to help too much, but after taking it for a while, it helped a little.




Time it took to start working: about 1 week.
Time it took to kick in: about 30 minutes to 1 hour.
Side effects: couldn't be in the sun too much, mild confusion, difficulty focusing.
Effectiveness: 4.5/10
Conclusion: Good for days when the depression is mild, or on occasions when I can feel depression coming on.

Valerian Root/Tincture

This one is my most recent. I've taken it as a sedative for a long time because I have a lot of trouble sleeping. However, I just found out that if taken in higher doses than I've been using it, it can help with depression.

❝Valerian is most often used to treat insomnia. It can be considered an alternative treatment for hypnotic drugs. It is also sometimes used as an alternative for sedatives, such as benzodiazepines in the treatment of certain anxiety disorders. wikipedia.org

❝The psychotropic effects of "Hokkai-Kisso", i.e. roots of Japanese valerian, were compared with those of diazepam and imipramine. Both [...] significantly prolonged [...] sleep in mice.

[...]

[V]alerian extract (4.1 g/kg) and imipramine (20 mg/kg) significantly inhibited immobility induced by a forced swimming test in rats, but did not increase spontaneous motor activity during an open field test just before the forced swimming test. In addition, valerian extract and imipramine significantly reversed reserpine-induced hypothermia in mice. These results indicate that valerian extract acts on the central nervous system and may be an antidepressant. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

In short, it's a strong sedative that makes you lethargic and can treat depression. Kind of like weed, in layman's terms. Mellow, calm - but sleepy and not depressed. Not cheerful, mind you, but not depressed. Normal. It's been working well as a sleep aide for me, so I've recently started a trial and error thing with doses in my tea (always double checking and being very aware of the levels at which it becomes too much). I've found a dose that seems to be working for me. I can function normally. I'm not emotional or depressed. I'm not so lethargic that I sit and sleep for twelve hours. I take the dose before bed, get a healthy six to eight hours of rest, and wake up able to function like a normal person. I've even ordered a tincture - liquid extract (alcohol like vanilla extract or something of the sort). Just 30 drops under your tongue or in a drink to obscure the taste, taken before bed.

Time it took to start working: about 24 hours as an antidepressant, but I've been using valerian for over six months in much lower doses.
Time it took to kick in: about 20 to 30 minutes.
Side effects: sluggish brain, spacing out, daydreaming, drowsiness.
Effectiveness: 8/10
Conclusion: Good for days when the depression gets really dark, for times when I can't sleep, and for when depression lasts more than 48 hours.

If you have depression like I do, don't lose heart. There are alternatives out there, you just have to look around. Be aware of all substances: what medications they interact with, how much is too much, how often you can take it, side effects, etc. Please use all supplements/medications as directed and in a safe manner, and keep them out of reach of others. Remember:

❝If you don't think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days..." - Kris Carr

13 Signs You're A Classic INFJ (From thoughtcatalog.com)

I am an INFJ. I've recently been questioning myself and wondering if I could possibly be classified as an INxJ. I seem to jump back and forth from INFJ and INTJ when the situation calls for it and then I'm an INFJ by default when nothing is influencing me. Here are the 13 Signs You're A Classic INFJ from thoughtcatalog.com with my personal thoughts on each in italics.

 13 Signs

1. You’re always in search of a deeper meaning. At work, in relationships, with friends, and interactions with strangers you’re continually looking at life and situations in an obscure way to discover what’s beyond the surface. I always like to listen to people rather than talk. You learn more about others that way. Not only that, what people say reveals more about them than they think. Through body language, context clues, and the like it's easy to learn so much about a person just by a simple, casual conversation. Though I really hate trying to make small talk. I always look at the world in general, people, and situations/problems from all angles to try and understand it better. I've become quite adept at it and can do this very quickly. Though if it calls for it, I take my time in order to be more thorough.

2. Although people have an easy time connecting with you sometimes you can be a difficult person to really know. You value your privacy and often feel like you can only be your “true self” around those closest to you. People attach to me easily because of my demeanor and the fact that I listen well. I don't just let them talk and retain a few key points - I take it all in. I also offer objective, deep advice that usually helps them and always know what to say or do to make a person feel at ease. I'm always in control of my body language and through all these things, I make friends easily. However, it's not in my nature to be open. I'm introverted and I don't trust (or for the most part even like) people. I end up knowing everything about them, sometimes more than they know about themselves. Yet, no one really knows a lot about me. I don't volunteer information and I like to keep to myself. Sometimes this creates problems among friends who expect me to be as open as they are. But I just don't function that way...

"People hide their truest nature. I understood that; I even applauded it. What sort of world would it be if people bled all over the sidewalks, if they wept under trees, smacked whomever they despised, kissed strangers, revealed themselves?"  - Alice Hoffman

3. You’re a highly empathetic and sensitive person with an innate ability to understand what people are going through. Your care and concern for others is always genuine and you feel deeply for others. Here is where it gets a bit tricky for me. I am highly empathetic and can read people easily. I can understand and even feel their emotions. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person) that immediately can feel the mood of people/rooms, is in tune with their environment, etc. I used to have a "bleeding heart" and take on other people's problems, sometimes getting more stressed and worried than they felt themselves. But over the years, I've taught myself not to care about others so much. It came at the same time as I stopped trusting people. I went cold for the most part. I don't trust people. Most of the time, I don't like them. I find them tedious and dull energy suckers, and I've come to not care about people in general. There are exceptions to the rules: I still care about some family. I still have friends. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand and half of those I reveal my true self to. I care about some people, but unlike before: I don't care about everyone. Now I have to know you deeply, be related to you or consider you a very close friend, or have my well-being connected with yours to give a shit about you. But my care is always genuine.

4. You find it easy to connect with others and exhibit both introvert and extrovert qualities. You love meeting and interacting with other people and at times can be the life of the party but eventually, you have to go home and recharge. This is true. Sometimes I want to be on my own and avoid people like they have the plague. Other times, I just want to be around a small group of people I know. And still, there are occasional times where I like to be around a bunch of people (but still need to be with at least three people I know) and will be really extroverted. In ANY case where I'm around more than two people for an extended time, I get exhausted. The more people there are (or the more extroverted people are), the quicker this happens. I end up wandering off and wanting to be alone for a few hours. Sometimes I'll even just go to sleep.

5. Even beyond high school or college you enjoy learning, particularly about society, other cultures, languages, people, literature, and art. You’re always excited to learn something new and find your interests expanding as you get older. Yes, yes, and more yes. But here's where I wonder... When I'm feeling particularly INFJ (or when I'm alone; as explained INFJ is my default), this matches up to the letter. But in certain situations when I find myself acting more INTJ, I take more of an interest in facts, numbers, statistics, figuring out how things work, etc. I become more type A when I'm exhibiting traits of INTJ. This is what causes me to wonder about being INxJ.

6. You strive for the ideal in every aspect of your life. You have very strong opinions and are driven by your values. You will absolutely fight for what you believe in. This is always true. I have high standards and I refuse to compromise them. I adhere to strict moral guidelines and expect the same of my friends. I can't choose my family, but I can choose my companions. And as I always say, if they aren't living up to your standards, move on. The company I keep is a reflection on myself and who I am. Who I choose to surround myself with says a lot about who I am as a person. Once in a while, someone will slip through the cracks. They don't live up to my standards, but I still keep them around and treat them with loyalty and respect. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's only because a person has been outstandingly kind, loyal, generous, honest, accepting, open-minded, adaptable, or another admirable trait - or they saved my life.

7. Sometimes you forget to take care of yourself. You become so passionate about certain projects or things going on with other people that often you end up exhausted and weary. When you’re so busy trying to take care of the world you must remember to take care of yourself as well. I am always forgetting to eat or sleep (or complete other important tasks) because I'm so busy with something. When I set my mind to a task, project, or interest, I give myself to it completely. Everything else just has to wait. I'm no good with domestic things because of this. I hate that stuff and can always find a better use for my time.

8. You’re a deep and complex person but at the same time you also tend to live a very simple life. It really doesn’t take very much to make you feel happy and content with your life. You see things on a larger scale and put more emphasis on your relationships with friends and loved ones over possessions or money. Also very true. I am complex and hard to understand. It's taken years and years for people just to begin to scratch the surface. But at the same time, I really do tend to look at the big picture. I value the few secure, loyal, and mutually respectful relationships more than anything else. And though I struggle with clinical depression, that aside it really doesn't take much to make me feel content. But don't confuse my feeling content with a lack of ambition. I'm ambitious as hell, but I'm also happy with what I have which makes it easier to accept if my ambitions don't pan out (after trying most everything to accomplish it).

9. You can be loyal to a fault. You recognize everyone has flaws and you try to see the beauty in people’s weaknesses over judging them. The problem lies when others don’t give you the same courtesy and you end up feeling bitter or resentful. Mostly true. When someone earns my loyalty, I will be completely and unwaveringly loyal until they give me a good reason not to be (or aren't as completely loyal to me). I see flaws, and I expect people to at least try to fix them or adapt the flaws into a valuable strength. If it cannot be adapted or fixed, I try not to judge them for it. But I will judge if the flaws can be adapted or fixed and a person does not choose to do so citing "It's just how I am; can't you accept me and stop trying to change me?" as an excuse. Who the hell CHOOSES to be flawed and less than they are capable of being? What kind of person says, "Yeah, I know that's wrong, I know that's a flaw. But I'm not going to fix it because it's just part of who I am and people have to love all of me or they're a bad person." Who does that? I can't stand people like that! If there's a problem, fix it or change it into something good. Otherwise, you're a waste of my time and you need to get out of my life. You're toxic.

10. You have a strong sense of idealism but you’re not simply just another dreamer. You realize and understand your goals can have a lasting impact and so you take the necessary steps to make your dreams happen. Also mostly true. I have dreams, but I'm also practical and realistic. I realize my ability, my (realistic) potential, my place in the world, and my resources. Sometimes I like to think about "what if?" But most of the time, I dream within practicality. Instead of wasting my time on something that isn't realistic or could never happen, I dream about what I CAN do to change things and shape my life and the world around me. What is the use of wasting your time dreaming about what could never be when you can put that brainpower to work to start changing what you can or building a foundation for those who can make bigger things happen?

11. The true feeling of success to you is based on the condition of your relationships with others and your own level of accomplishment. Eh. Mostly. As I've stated, I've learned to distrust people and I've taught myself to not care about them as much as I did before. I used to worry about everyone and everything and be so compassionate. Now I realize people are inherently evil and so I've adapted. I now put more emphasis on my own level of accomplishment in my life: the success of my goals, changing others' point of view, and so on. I put less emphasis on relationships with friends.

12. Your insight is one of your greatest assets and it regularly helps you solve problems. You notice the small details most people seem to overlook. By being able to find patterns and meanings in the world around you you’re able to look at a problem in a number of ways and generate various possibilities. I'm very observant when I care about something. If it doesn't generate enough interest in me, sometimes, I'll overlook things. But if I care about something, I will obsess over it and keep at it with determination, learning all I can. I take in every detail that people miss, become hyper observant, and neglect other areas of my life to devote more attention to the situation/project/interest. I look at things in every angle I can think of and consider countless possibilities. If there's a pattern to be found, I usually find it. I can always bring interesting and unique insight to something, which usually leads to an answer/solution.

13. You find joy and fulfillment out of expressing yourself through the arts. You likely have a talent for language and writing. Self-expression helps you release everything that’s going on in your head. Yes. No objection. Also, I enjoy reading about a wide variety of subjects, building things, and learning by doing. That's the other half of me. The one half is very interested in art (painting, drawing, decorating), designing, writing, society, music, and cultures. The other half of me that I revert to on occasion likes learning to construct things, reading statistics about certain topics, organizing projects, labeling, and more technical things. Hence my INxJ quandary. 

So what do you think? I'm more often (and by default) an INFJ. I've tested as INFJ every single time. I identify most with INFJ. Yet in certain occasional situations, I lean more toward INTJ. Does this make me an INFJ with adaptability? Or INxJ?

From Gender Fluid to Agender / Agender v. Neutrois

Gender fluid. I was sure that I was. I was still confused, but I didn't know any other way to describe the neutral feeling I had. Turns out, it was easier than I thought. Agender. Let's start be defining things to get a basic understanding.

Agender: Not identifying with male or female genders. Not a man. Not a woman. Non-gender.

Neutrois: Same as above with a very fine difference that those who identify as neutrois seek to change their image to reflect their non-gender.

Asexual: Still has sex. Still enjoys sex. Is not sexually attracted to people.
*Will be clarified more thoroughly later on.

Demiromantic: Experiences romantic attraction only after an emotional bond is made.

The Agender v. Neutrois Debate

It's debated that agender and neutrois are the same thing. In my research I've found that in most respects, they are. Agender and neutrois both share the lack of male/female distinction. Most people who are agender or neutrois will even say that there is no difference. Others say:

❝...yes, there is a difference, and it seems you all ready know it: generally an agender person doesn't mind their body, whereas someone who is neutrois may experience dysphoria much like a transsexual and seek surgery/etc. People sometimes use terms like FtN or MtN. Agender and neutrois can be used interchangeably, but neutrois usually has this distinction to it.

I actually used to be neutrois in the past and endured agonising gender dysphoria, but I made a serious effort to learn to like my body and it worked out well in the end, so I don't experience that anymore and identify as agender....❞ asexuality.org

I have a female body. I'm okay with that. People refer to me as she/her. I'm okay with that, too. I am engaged to a very understanding and patient man. I am fine with who I am. I am agender.

Asexual Relationships 

I'm engaged to a man. I love him and he loves me. Most people who aren't acquainted with asexuals have no idea how this is possible. It's very simple. Asexuals still feel love. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are different things.

Romantic orientation: also called affectional orientation, indicates the sex or gender with which a person is most likely to have a romantic relationship or fall in love.

Sexual orientation:  an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, while asexuality (the lack of sexual attraction to others) is sometimes identified as the fourth category.

So, I have made a deep emotional connection with my fiance. I have romantic feelings for him, and he for me. I look forward to spending my entire life with him. I'm excited to marry him and be his wife. We both don't want children, so this works out well.

But... how can it work if I'm asexual and don't feel sexual attraction? Easy. I like sex; it's fun and pleasurable. I still have it. I don't seek it. I don't ever feel the need to. Here is an explanation using donuts as a metaphor for sex:

Simple as that. Enjoy these.

 

Not sure if you're asexual? 

 

I hope this helps someone out there. My next post will be a post about us INFJs. For now, just remember to take things one step at a time. And don't stress. If you feel a certain way, you're not alone. Guaranteed there is someone in the world like you; they might just be a little harder to find.