Losing Reality: Part One (Intro)

Catching Up
I've lost a lot of people recently. Most notably, my friend K. This hit me very hard.

I lost my mask. I lost my ability to conceal my thoughts and emotions, breaking down publicly the moment I heard about it. Everyone saw me completely lose my shit. Life is never fair. Just when you think that it is, it pulls out a giant and jagged knife, heats it on the fire until it glows red, and then just stabs you over and over and over again.

Since then, I've had yet another existential crisis, losing my grip on what reality is. I can never be sure what day it is, what I've been doing, or if anything even matters enough for me to care about that. Time just slips through my fingers rapidly while I contemplate if I'm actually alive or if everything is in my head. At other points, time seems frozen and infinite, and so much happens within what is actually a short span.

NODUS TOLLENS

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre.

Everything changes from one day to the next and I can't control these seemingly random emotions. When I'm angry, I start laughing uncontrollably while I hit things and then begin to feel gut-wrenching despair. When I'm happy, I don't realize it until later because happiness now takes on the form of numbness. When I am depressed, I go off the deep end and start looking up how to tie a noose in preparation. And all of these emotions occur out of nowhere without a corresponding trigger. I think I preferred the emotionless detachment from before.

At a Time Like This
At a time like this, I should probably not be:

1. Left alone for three consecutive weeks.
2. Left alone for three consecutive weeks without my car.
3. Left alone for three consecutive weeks without my car, in the middle of nowhere without any real human contact.
4. Deprived of the opportunity to see another flesh and blood human in person.
5. Contacted by my much hated estranged father.
6. Given access to copious amounts of alcohol and less plentiful amounts of food.
7. Met with the realization that someone I love is too emotionally fragile to ever be with me when I need them, and most especially when I don't.
8. Realizing that numbers four, six, and seven are entirely my fault - but now I'm unable to correct them.

I thought that emptiness was the worst thing that could happen to a person, but I was wrong. The worst is knowing that you're spiraling out of control and you actually can't stop it. No inspirational speaker, no self help books, no conversing extensively with support groups can save you like everyone always led you to believe. You are utterly and completely powerless to the own whims of your thoughts and emotions...

LIBEROSIS

n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life.

 Now that I'm done setting up the background, let me tell you about what happens when you start to lose your grip on reality...