Daddy issues - if you don't have them, you can name five people off the top of your head who do. I'm one of the countless people inflicted with these issues, but not in the need-to-bed-people way. On the contrary, he has done emotional damage that leaves me not wanting to pursue anything other than a passing nod with people. Just hearing his name gives me a burst of adrenaline poisoned with anger.
My mother bore these seeds of hatred and planted them in my heart, and for a long time growing up, I hated her too. Who was she to turn me against my own father? But as I grew, I saw for myself what kind of man he was. I came to realize that she was not tearing him down to me to turn me against him, but simply refusing to conceal the truth.
And I cannot fault her for honesty, child though I was at the time.
The man (to use the term very loosely) has been in and out of my life whenever it was convenient for him, the resulting wake of his appearances bringing anger and stress like a dark plague. If you, dear reader, believe I'm being too dramatic... You haven't met the man. Spend one hour with him in without leaving the room and you'll want to vomit and/or kick him down a flight of stairs too. Here, I could recite his many, many faults and atrocities. Instead, I will get right to the reason for this...
I always knew my father was a heartless and manipulative bastard who never wanted me, but he recently made another appearance in my life. The king of poor timing, he's failed yet another marriage (to a woman that I actually came to like and appreciate, even if she was a bit of an idiot) and he's moved back to town. My fiance (of whom my father knows nothing about by my own design) and I have been trying to purchase a permanent residence there. Our families assure us that they will help keep my father out of our lives and that it will be easy enough to avoid him.
No. It will be very difficult indeed. He first reached out to my older brother, a man who had much more hatred for our father than I, than even my mother. I expected at best for my brother to ignore him. Imagine my astonishment when my father then reaches out to me and I find out from the both of them that not only has my brother returned contact, he's exchanged numbers and might even be seeing him for Christmas! So after a long consideration, I realize that this might be a good opportunity to do as I always wanted: let go of my hatred and move on.
But such is the curse of social media... You learn things about people you know that, without it, you would have never discovered otherwise. I have since learned that my father is a blatant xenophobe of the worst kind. I won't spiral into it, but upon seeing this I have to wonder what this says about my own brother. It's no longer a matter of personal injustice, but the very principle of my core beliefs. I cannot and will not ever be associated with anyone who shares the same world views that he does. It's left me with more questions than answers. Why, knowing this, would my brother let him into his life? Why has he not spoken up against the things our father has said and done, both personally and otherwise? Will I have to let go of yet another family member to uphold what I believe in?
Thanks a million for coming back into my life, male half of my chromosomes. And thanks for carrying on the tradition of failing me and my minimal expectations. You're a big fucking help.
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