13 Signs You're A Classic INFJ (From thoughtcatalog.com)

I am an INFJ. I've recently been questioning myself and wondering if I could possibly be classified as an INxJ. I seem to jump back and forth from INFJ and INTJ when the situation calls for it and then I'm an INFJ by default when nothing is influencing me. Here are the 13 Signs You're A Classic INFJ from thoughtcatalog.com with my personal thoughts on each in italics.

 13 Signs

1. You’re always in search of a deeper meaning. At work, in relationships, with friends, and interactions with strangers you’re continually looking at life and situations in an obscure way to discover what’s beyond the surface. I always like to listen to people rather than talk. You learn more about others that way. Not only that, what people say reveals more about them than they think. Through body language, context clues, and the like it's easy to learn so much about a person just by a simple, casual conversation. Though I really hate trying to make small talk. I always look at the world in general, people, and situations/problems from all angles to try and understand it better. I've become quite adept at it and can do this very quickly. Though if it calls for it, I take my time in order to be more thorough.

2. Although people have an easy time connecting with you sometimes you can be a difficult person to really know. You value your privacy and often feel like you can only be your “true self” around those closest to you. People attach to me easily because of my demeanor and the fact that I listen well. I don't just let them talk and retain a few key points - I take it all in. I also offer objective, deep advice that usually helps them and always know what to say or do to make a person feel at ease. I'm always in control of my body language and through all these things, I make friends easily. However, it's not in my nature to be open. I'm introverted and I don't trust (or for the most part even like) people. I end up knowing everything about them, sometimes more than they know about themselves. Yet, no one really knows a lot about me. I don't volunteer information and I like to keep to myself. Sometimes this creates problems among friends who expect me to be as open as they are. But I just don't function that way...

"People hide their truest nature. I understood that; I even applauded it. What sort of world would it be if people bled all over the sidewalks, if they wept under trees, smacked whomever they despised, kissed strangers, revealed themselves?"  - Alice Hoffman

3. You’re a highly empathetic and sensitive person with an innate ability to understand what people are going through. Your care and concern for others is always genuine and you feel deeply for others. Here is where it gets a bit tricky for me. I am highly empathetic and can read people easily. I can understand and even feel their emotions. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person) that immediately can feel the mood of people/rooms, is in tune with their environment, etc. I used to have a "bleeding heart" and take on other people's problems, sometimes getting more stressed and worried than they felt themselves. But over the years, I've taught myself not to care about others so much. It came at the same time as I stopped trusting people. I went cold for the most part. I don't trust people. Most of the time, I don't like them. I find them tedious and dull energy suckers, and I've come to not care about people in general. There are exceptions to the rules: I still care about some family. I still have friends. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand and half of those I reveal my true self to. I care about some people, but unlike before: I don't care about everyone. Now I have to know you deeply, be related to you or consider you a very close friend, or have my well-being connected with yours to give a shit about you. But my care is always genuine.

4. You find it easy to connect with others and exhibit both introvert and extrovert qualities. You love meeting and interacting with other people and at times can be the life of the party but eventually, you have to go home and recharge. This is true. Sometimes I want to be on my own and avoid people like they have the plague. Other times, I just want to be around a small group of people I know. And still, there are occasional times where I like to be around a bunch of people (but still need to be with at least three people I know) and will be really extroverted. In ANY case where I'm around more than two people for an extended time, I get exhausted. The more people there are (or the more extroverted people are), the quicker this happens. I end up wandering off and wanting to be alone for a few hours. Sometimes I'll even just go to sleep.

5. Even beyond high school or college you enjoy learning, particularly about society, other cultures, languages, people, literature, and art. You’re always excited to learn something new and find your interests expanding as you get older. Yes, yes, and more yes. But here's where I wonder... When I'm feeling particularly INFJ (or when I'm alone; as explained INFJ is my default), this matches up to the letter. But in certain situations when I find myself acting more INTJ, I take more of an interest in facts, numbers, statistics, figuring out how things work, etc. I become more type A when I'm exhibiting traits of INTJ. This is what causes me to wonder about being INxJ.

6. You strive for the ideal in every aspect of your life. You have very strong opinions and are driven by your values. You will absolutely fight for what you believe in. This is always true. I have high standards and I refuse to compromise them. I adhere to strict moral guidelines and expect the same of my friends. I can't choose my family, but I can choose my companions. And as I always say, if they aren't living up to your standards, move on. The company I keep is a reflection on myself and who I am. Who I choose to surround myself with says a lot about who I am as a person. Once in a while, someone will slip through the cracks. They don't live up to my standards, but I still keep them around and treat them with loyalty and respect. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's only because a person has been outstandingly kind, loyal, generous, honest, accepting, open-minded, adaptable, or another admirable trait - or they saved my life.

7. Sometimes you forget to take care of yourself. You become so passionate about certain projects or things going on with other people that often you end up exhausted and weary. When you’re so busy trying to take care of the world you must remember to take care of yourself as well. I am always forgetting to eat or sleep (or complete other important tasks) because I'm so busy with something. When I set my mind to a task, project, or interest, I give myself to it completely. Everything else just has to wait. I'm no good with domestic things because of this. I hate that stuff and can always find a better use for my time.

8. You’re a deep and complex person but at the same time you also tend to live a very simple life. It really doesn’t take very much to make you feel happy and content with your life. You see things on a larger scale and put more emphasis on your relationships with friends and loved ones over possessions or money. Also very true. I am complex and hard to understand. It's taken years and years for people just to begin to scratch the surface. But at the same time, I really do tend to look at the big picture. I value the few secure, loyal, and mutually respectful relationships more than anything else. And though I struggle with clinical depression, that aside it really doesn't take much to make me feel content. But don't confuse my feeling content with a lack of ambition. I'm ambitious as hell, but I'm also happy with what I have which makes it easier to accept if my ambitions don't pan out (after trying most everything to accomplish it).

9. You can be loyal to a fault. You recognize everyone has flaws and you try to see the beauty in people’s weaknesses over judging them. The problem lies when others don’t give you the same courtesy and you end up feeling bitter or resentful. Mostly true. When someone earns my loyalty, I will be completely and unwaveringly loyal until they give me a good reason not to be (or aren't as completely loyal to me). I see flaws, and I expect people to at least try to fix them or adapt the flaws into a valuable strength. If it cannot be adapted or fixed, I try not to judge them for it. But I will judge if the flaws can be adapted or fixed and a person does not choose to do so citing "It's just how I am; can't you accept me and stop trying to change me?" as an excuse. Who the hell CHOOSES to be flawed and less than they are capable of being? What kind of person says, "Yeah, I know that's wrong, I know that's a flaw. But I'm not going to fix it because it's just part of who I am and people have to love all of me or they're a bad person." Who does that? I can't stand people like that! If there's a problem, fix it or change it into something good. Otherwise, you're a waste of my time and you need to get out of my life. You're toxic.

10. You have a strong sense of idealism but you’re not simply just another dreamer. You realize and understand your goals can have a lasting impact and so you take the necessary steps to make your dreams happen. Also mostly true. I have dreams, but I'm also practical and realistic. I realize my ability, my (realistic) potential, my place in the world, and my resources. Sometimes I like to think about "what if?" But most of the time, I dream within practicality. Instead of wasting my time on something that isn't realistic or could never happen, I dream about what I CAN do to change things and shape my life and the world around me. What is the use of wasting your time dreaming about what could never be when you can put that brainpower to work to start changing what you can or building a foundation for those who can make bigger things happen?

11. The true feeling of success to you is based on the condition of your relationships with others and your own level of accomplishment. Eh. Mostly. As I've stated, I've learned to distrust people and I've taught myself to not care about them as much as I did before. I used to worry about everyone and everything and be so compassionate. Now I realize people are inherently evil and so I've adapted. I now put more emphasis on my own level of accomplishment in my life: the success of my goals, changing others' point of view, and so on. I put less emphasis on relationships with friends.

12. Your insight is one of your greatest assets and it regularly helps you solve problems. You notice the small details most people seem to overlook. By being able to find patterns and meanings in the world around you you’re able to look at a problem in a number of ways and generate various possibilities. I'm very observant when I care about something. If it doesn't generate enough interest in me, sometimes, I'll overlook things. But if I care about something, I will obsess over it and keep at it with determination, learning all I can. I take in every detail that people miss, become hyper observant, and neglect other areas of my life to devote more attention to the situation/project/interest. I look at things in every angle I can think of and consider countless possibilities. If there's a pattern to be found, I usually find it. I can always bring interesting and unique insight to something, which usually leads to an answer/solution.

13. You find joy and fulfillment out of expressing yourself through the arts. You likely have a talent for language and writing. Self-expression helps you release everything that’s going on in your head. Yes. No objection. Also, I enjoy reading about a wide variety of subjects, building things, and learning by doing. That's the other half of me. The one half is very interested in art (painting, drawing, decorating), designing, writing, society, music, and cultures. The other half of me that I revert to on occasion likes learning to construct things, reading statistics about certain topics, organizing projects, labeling, and more technical things. Hence my INxJ quandary. 

So what do you think? I'm more often (and by default) an INFJ. I've tested as INFJ every single time. I identify most with INFJ. Yet in certain occasional situations, I lean more toward INTJ. Does this make me an INFJ with adaptability? Or INxJ?

From Gender Fluid to Agender / Agender v. Neutrois

Gender fluid. I was sure that I was. I was still confused, but I didn't know any other way to describe the neutral feeling I had. Turns out, it was easier than I thought. Agender. Let's start be defining things to get a basic understanding.

Agender: Not identifying with male or female genders. Not a man. Not a woman. Non-gender.

Neutrois: Same as above with a very fine difference that those who identify as neutrois seek to change their image to reflect their non-gender.

Asexual: Still has sex. Still enjoys sex. Is not sexually attracted to people.
*Will be clarified more thoroughly later on.

Demiromantic: Experiences romantic attraction only after an emotional bond is made.

The Agender v. Neutrois Debate

It's debated that agender and neutrois are the same thing. In my research I've found that in most respects, they are. Agender and neutrois both share the lack of male/female distinction. Most people who are agender or neutrois will even say that there is no difference. Others say:

❝...yes, there is a difference, and it seems you all ready know it: generally an agender person doesn't mind their body, whereas someone who is neutrois may experience dysphoria much like a transsexual and seek surgery/etc. People sometimes use terms like FtN or MtN. Agender and neutrois can be used interchangeably, but neutrois usually has this distinction to it.

I actually used to be neutrois in the past and endured agonising gender dysphoria, but I made a serious effort to learn to like my body and it worked out well in the end, so I don't experience that anymore and identify as agender....❞ asexuality.org

I have a female body. I'm okay with that. People refer to me as she/her. I'm okay with that, too. I am engaged to a very understanding and patient man. I am fine with who I am. I am agender.

Asexual Relationships 

I'm engaged to a man. I love him and he loves me. Most people who aren't acquainted with asexuals have no idea how this is possible. It's very simple. Asexuals still feel love. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are different things.

Romantic orientation: also called affectional orientation, indicates the sex or gender with which a person is most likely to have a romantic relationship or fall in love.

Sexual orientation:  an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, while asexuality (the lack of sexual attraction to others) is sometimes identified as the fourth category.

So, I have made a deep emotional connection with my fiance. I have romantic feelings for him, and he for me. I look forward to spending my entire life with him. I'm excited to marry him and be his wife. We both don't want children, so this works out well.

But... how can it work if I'm asexual and don't feel sexual attraction? Easy. I like sex; it's fun and pleasurable. I still have it. I don't seek it. I don't ever feel the need to. Here is an explanation using donuts as a metaphor for sex:

Simple as that. Enjoy these.

 

Not sure if you're asexual? 

 

I hope this helps someone out there. My next post will be a post about us INFJs. For now, just remember to take things one step at a time. And don't stress. If you feel a certain way, you're not alone. Guaranteed there is someone in the world like you; they might just be a little harder to find.

Abandonment Issues

Abandonment issues. I have them. It's not surprising. A large number of people do. They come in varying degrees with their own fun bundle of effects and spin off neuroses. It's not shocking that my parents are divorced and my dad is a verbally abusive drunk. He never spent much time with me at all. He always preferred my older brother, and even then that's not saying much. He wasn't the parent type and enjoyed sleeping around under the mask that the Navy provided. He'd sleep around when he was out to sea and he'd stay on the ship and pretend to work when he came back to port. He was never around, so I shouldn't have cared when he left.

In theory.

But he did leave, and I did care. I withdrew even more than my introverted self normally did. I internalized and made myself very sick. My brother became angry and lashed out, my mother grew bitter and depressed, and I was left to solve it on my own. I reasoned that everything bad that happened - the attitudes of my brother and mother, the coldness and hatred of my grandparents, the physical and emotional pain I felt, and the poverty - stemmed from his leaving. The more I observed and felt, the more I was assured of this.

As I grew older, people came into my life and left - usually after drenching me in hateful words, leaving me in a low and dark place. Every time someone left me, they did so in a dramatic and cruel way. It didn't help that when I was alone, I internalized and brooded over things. It didn't help that I distrusted people and mostly hated them, nor that wearing masks of who they expected me to be was exhausting. I hated people, and I hated them leaving me behind.

Now, I am alone again for the first time in... years. My fiance has a new job that's mostly travel. The house is empty and too quiet. It started again.

First, the gloom. The thick cloud settled over me and held me down. I spent most of Sunday in bed, asleep. Then came the stress. I'm not very domestic (I loathe it) and only clean/organize when I'm stressed. I scrubbed the bathroom in detail with a small brush, getting every single nook and cranny. Just like clockwork, the shaking followed. I'm jittery and my hands are shaking terribly. It makes it hard to write or do a lot of other things. I know what is to follow: more depression, eventually cleaning the entire house obsessively, bathing obsessively, sleeping a lot, refusing to eat, and then not sleeping at all.

I'll have to learn to cope. For the next two years, I'm on my own. I'll only see him for one weekend every two months. I've accepted that I can't make friends in person; my misanthropy keeps that from happening. I plan on getting another job - one outside of my home with a boss and with coworkers that I see in person; most physical labor is out of the question due to my broken body from a very reckless youth. I wonder if having a job that makes me interact with people will keep me busy or will make things worse.

I guess we'll see.

Clearing Negativity: A Lesson from M

My last two posts were full of anger and sadness, and I think it's time to clear out that negativity. I removed those posts because spreading my anger and grief helps no one, not even me. It only makes the world that much darker. I've changed them to drafts and they'll stay there as a reminder to me. This post will be uplifting (sort of). I have a wise friend, M. He's always tried to help me. The following section is an interview/conversation we had for the purpose of this post (and for my sake, too).

M: When we care about some one and they do something to hurt us, it cuts deeply. The more we care about the person, the more it effects us. We can brew a lot of negativity this way, and that negativity is unhealthy. It can make us physically ill and disrupt our daily lives. We need to clear the air.

Me: It's hard because I'm still so angry right now.

M: You need to explore those feelings in order to let go of them. State them simply and honestly. Be very clear and direct.

Me: She says I always make her the bad guy. But I feel like that she always says that to make me feel guilty for being angry. I feel that she says things with the intent of inflicting pain. Maybe she's being honest. Whether or not she means what she says, she succeeds in making me feel angry, hated, and depressed. I understand that she is upset. I feel that most of it is her own doing. I have seen it with others. She works things up in her mind during the silence and the pauses and - instead of using the time to calm down and think objectively - she allows her anger to fester, posting things where she knows the other will see them and then deleting them when she's sure they have. This keeps them from calming down and moving on. With the exception of today, I haven't done that. But today, I just had to get it off my chest.

M: Let's think of it from her view - or try to. From all the messages you took a screenshot of for me, I can see the exact point where she starts to get touchy. You didn't pick up on the defensive cues, but they were there. Clearly something else has been bugging her that you didn't take into consideration.

Me: There is a guy. But I don't think that gives her the right to be such a jerk.

M: No, and it went on. She seems to have mistaken the pause where you were typing out an explanation of what she asked, for you being annoyed. This clearly put her in defense mode. Then when the accidental message was sent, that's where the conflict started. She probably felt attacked and like you were losing patience. She then leaped to the attack, which upset you and you lost your temper.

Me: I just feel so sick of always having to pick up on every little cue just so that she won't jump to conclusions. Sometimes accidents happen like that. Sometimes things slip through the cracks and she takes it the wrong way. I'm just tired of her immediately jumping on me and beating me down, then acting like it's my fault that she misunderstood.

M: Have you told her this?

Me: Many, many, many times.

M: Then there is nothing you can do but let it go. Take a deep breath. Imagine this conflict as a stone cube. Tear away a chunk of your anger. Inhale. Ball up the chunk of anger. Exhale. Inhale and let it go on the exhale. Imagine it floating up into the sky and disappearing from view beyond the atmosphere. Let's move on to the next.

Me: She keeps posting things everywhere I go. In my feed, on other site statuses. She keeps saying how I'm inconsiderate, a bad friend, how I don't care about her emotions. This not only stabs me deep because of how tirelessly I work to act like normal people, to pretend to feel the same emotions but also because she knows what I am. But she doesn't care. She doesn't care in the sense that she always thinks of how a situation effects her and how she feels. I doubt she's thinking of my point of view and what I might be going through. She just goes through her life doing and saying what she wants, and when there's a conflict, she throws a huge tantrum. She only apologizes when she feels like it, and never means it. And when she apologizes, I've noticed (but ignored) that she'll slip passive aggressive things in there to make me feel bad - one last jab. Like "I'm sorry that I'm horrible. I'll work harder on concealing my emotions and pretending that I'm okay even when I'm not." That's not an apology. That's a slap in the face. But I let it go because for some reason, I just want to be friends again.

M: You're feeling resentment because you feel she's being passive aggressive and that she seeks to "accidentally" hurt you while seeming to vent. Then when she apologizes, she doesn't mean it and seeks to keep throwing barbs at you while vowing to close herself off in some sort of silent punishment to both you and her.

Me: Exactly.

M: Her possible side of this is that she just wants the fight to be over too, but she's still upset.

Me: Then she should just say that. She could just say that she wants to let things go back to normal while we heal. That we should speak again and try to repair the damage, rather than all these negative and thinly veiled attempts at making me hurt.

M: It's possible that she's human, like everyone. She makes mistakes and when she's hurt she seeks to hurt back. If she feels she's not getting anything from you - negative or otherwise (you do keep distance when you're mad), she could be seeking to provoke some reaction to feel like you still care one way or the other.

Me: It still sucks.

M: Consider that your distance could be hurting her. Take a deep breath and hold it. Think of this frustration and lack of communication. Exhale. Take half of that cube and ball it up. Ball up your resentment. Pack it up tightly and coil your body inward. Pull it tight until you feel you can't make yourself any more compact. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it and count to five. Now, slowly exhale through your mouth as you allow your body to loosen and expand, imagining the ball floating upward and disappearing as the first. And now the last.

Me: She keeps saying that she gives up. That she's done. That I win. I don't think there's winning in an argument. Everyone is hurt and everyone loses. There is no winning. But what hurts most - more than anything that's happened - is that she gives up. It's only been five hours. I've been trying to calm down and she gave me less than five hours before she was ready to write our whole friendship off and everything we've been through over her thinking that message was meant for her. It wasn't even a negative message! To anyone! She just took it that way, snapped at me, I snapped back, and then that was apparently all it took to destroy a relationship. I felt like she was my sister and this is how it ends? She's done? Just like that? She wouldn't even give me twenty-four hours to get my head on straight. Not even a day.

M: As you've said, silence makes it worse for her. Where you're not communicating, it's snowballing. It's possible that five hours of silence from you made this problem colossal and that's what destroyed it. Not the pebble, but a great boulder.

Me: So we're not friends anymore?

M: If she's made up her mind, there's nothing you can do. If she throws away a friendship over a misunderstanding and lack of communication while you calm down, perhaps she didn't value it as much as you did. Perhaps while you saw her as a sister, she saw you as less than that. To you, this relationship was strong. But if she can give it up, to her it didn't matter. If it's one-sided, then it wasn't healthy. Give it a bit more time. If she wants to talk, she will. If she doesn't, you have your answer.

Me: What do I do with the last piece?

M: Smash it. Find a pillow and swing away until you can't anymore. You have to sometimes just punch the pain out. Guys punch each other. (I'm not condoning violence. That's just what guys do. They beat each other up and then they're friends again.) You punch a pillow. And remember to breathe. What will happen, will happen.

Why I Don't Have Female Friends - And Why I Want To Keep This One

She was emotional, fragile, immature. She constantly made assumptions and picked fights when things didn't go her way. She demanded special treatment and pouted when refused. Somehow, through all of this, I had come to call her friend. But I was starting to wear thin. Everything was so dramatic with her. One small fracture in her perfect world and she was ready to end it all.

Meanwhile, I had to sit there and comfort her. I had to make her feel better because I was her friend and I cared. On the inside: I have never had an easy day in my life. Abuse. Neglect. Being moved from place to place, school to school, home to home. Crumbling, infested buildings where I didn't even have a bedroom. Where I kept my things in my mum's room and slept in the hallway or on the couch. Being beaten up daily by my sibling and kids from school. More suicide attempts than I'll ever admit, starting as young as when I was eight. Anorexia. Self harm. Drugs. Anything to make it stop. Sneaking out, being reckless, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend in a desperate search for love and worth. Being beaten by some boyfriends. Cutting myself in concealed places so no one would notice: my stomach, my thighs, ribs, chest. Crying myself to sleep every single night for years. Friends telling my secrets to the whole school. Being blackmailed by them. My closest friend lying to my brother by saying I was a lesbian (among many other false claims), which resulted in a huge family fight that almost got me given up for adoption. And here you are. You can't go somewhere you want? The world suddenly isn't worth living in. Your mum can't give you something you wanted? She must not love you. A friend didn't want to put up with you for one measly day because they are having a hard enough day without your mood swings? You go full emo and talk about how the world is cruel and unloving.

I was angry. I tried to reason that to someone with a life such as hers, these must seem like terrible hardships. Perhaps there was more to it than I was told. But with each of these episodes, it became harder and harder to find some sort of explanation in my mind. I tried to be good. I did. I tried to listen and help, to put things into realistic perspective, to give her a dose of tough love or reality for her own good - because one day, she would be out in the world and see how things really are. And because I love her like a sister, I wanted to make the transition into a real and hard life as smooth as possible. I even offered to let her come live with me. To help her pursue her dreams, whatever they may be. I gave what little I had so that she could feel loved.

But no.

Today, I was having one of the hardest in a while. Several small, but important issues merged into one gigantic "fuck you." I was caught in the middle. They all wanted me to take sides, but at the same time they were sure to get pissed with any decision I made - even if it was on their side. They demanded I mediate. I couldn't turn my back. Family is family, blood or no. And she chooses today to get short tempered. I accidentally sent one harmless message to her instead of someone else, and it offended her. "Done. Bye." An agreement to do something and quick parting for someone else turned into "I hate you" to her.

She makes assumptions all the time. About everything. Instead of asking for clarity to make sure that something is intended the way she took it, she immediately pulls out the guns and starts firing. So when that simple message was accidentally sent to her (while I was typing a long message in a notepad, explaining something she was asking about), she asked what the hell my problem was and told me to stop freaking the hell out on her. This was the last straw for me. She already knew I was feeling ill. That alone should have (in my mind) made her a little bit kinder. I lost my temper and snapped back that I meant to send the message in another chat and that I was tired of her making assumptions and shitting all over me about it.

"Likewise." Really? I have never been unreasonable. If I did something out of anger, it was always justified. I even asked three or four people that always tell me the truth, even if the truth is "you're an asshole." They thought it was justified. But that's beside the point. I don't need to go down that road right now.

"I'm just tired of getting stomped over most of the time." This really upset me. Everything I've done, I've done to help her. Whether to make her into a more well-rounded and grounded person, to tell her the truth even if it's not what she wants to hear, to be honest always, to take into consideration the situation. She appreciates nothing. I wonder if I should even let her move here. On the one hand, for some reason she matters to me - more than most. She's the complete opposite of me and sometimes I want to hit her over the head with a brick, but in her own way she does try to help - sometimes. On the other hand, she's emotional and moody, unrealistic, quick to jump to conclusions, dramatic, holds grudges... I could find a million things to complain about. But for some reason, even looking at all of that, I still care. I still want the best for her. I still want to see her happy.

And I really fucking hate that.

I hate that I should have every reason to walk away by my standards, but for some reason I can't. I think about all the times she's made my life stressful and made me scream into a pillow until I couldn't speak... and all I want is to make up with her.

My point is, I don't like being friends with 99.8% of the female population. They're hormonal, irrational, frustrating, tedious, and I just hate them. But for some reason, she seems to be the only female friend that I just can't let go of. That (for some confusing and frustrating reason) I don't want to let go of. 

She will probably read this and we'll probably get into another horrible fight. But in the end, I'll still try to find a way to fix it, even though I will be positive I'm not in the wrong. I will still make myself sick and lose sleep, allow my depression to creep up and medicate with alcohol, become moody and withdrawn until things are back to normal between us. I will still write hundreds of passive aggressive statuses and delete them before even posting them. I will still complain to my guy friends about "women." I will still rant and rave to the empty house... I will still exercise until I vomit, "accidentally" cut or scrape myself on surfaces to feel calm when I get angry over it, still obsess about every single syllable, still type out countless messages that will never be sent - angry, sad, sorry, begging, raging, and nonchalant. And in the end, I will still need her in my life.

Because God knows why. And it's either a sick joke He's playing on me, or she's here for a reason. I'm betting on the latter, and I intend to stick with her until she is sick of me. Which, based on our recent argument, is likely to be soon.

And I'll still be wondering why.

Depersonalization Disorder

"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you're living in a dream.
Many people have a passing experience of depersonalization or derealization at some point. But when these feelings keep occurring or never completely go away, it's considered depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder is more common in people who've had traumatic experiences.

Depersonalization-derealization disorder can be severe and may interfere with relationships, work and other daily activities." Mayo Clinic.

Confirmed. 

I stared at the wall for an hour tonight, doing nothing, thinking nothing, silent. I made myself seek company and found it hard to care about anything that people were saying. Topics that normally would draw me out just washed over me.

Over the weekend, I visited family and friends. Almost nine minutes in - I counted - I was ready to go home. But the weekend was spent away from home, in a guest room. I watched myself sit. I watched myself tap my fingers. I counted how many times I blinked while I added sums in my head clumsily. I observed myself forcing carefully constructed greetings and jokes, the smile never looking quite right to me - always a bit off. Insincere. Underneath, there was a blankness, a chapter in my book that had been misplaced or just left out. I had to improvise and I never properly pulled it off. I was sure once or twice that people were catching on. I guess I just got lucky.

I drifted along minute after minute. When I woke Sunday, I just lay there for a long time. I didn't get out of bed almost all day.

Still I feel like nothing is real. Still I have trouble getting back to myself, getting back to feeling and living.

I realize now that I never regained what I lost in August.
I'm still not me.
Not human.

Stillness in the Eye of the Storm

 “I guess I should have reacted the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I've put myself back in the company of others, but I'm alarmed to find that it takes more energy than before, being social. Introverts always expel a certain amount of energy around others, but lately it's taking more and more. I find it more difficult to simulate the appropriate emotion when I don't feel it and cringe when I come in physical contact with others. Even accidentally brushing their arm as I pass leaves me recoiling as if scalded.

Everything feels so busy. It feels like time is speeding up and I am slowing down.

Silence is palpable. I have to fill it with downloaded sounds of thunderstorms or rushing water, especially during sleep. Even in the shower, I need to play music loudly. Not a second must be silent. I always valued silence before this. I'm unsure why I now fear it.

I enjoyed simple, repetitive tasks because they gave me time to daydream or think. Now they leave me feeling frustrated and empty.

Nothing feels very real. I feel too still in a world that's rushing by in a blur.

I've concluded that in the month I spent separated from myself and the rest of the world, I've become a bit disconnected with reality. I talked to the psych and it was suggested that I was experiencing depersonalization disorder. He said that this was common for someone in my situation. The causes are cited as: 

"...severe stress; major depressive disorder and panic; and hallucinogen ingestion. People who live in highly individualistic cultures may be more vulnerable to depersonalization, due to threat hypersensitivity and an external locus of control." wikipedia.org

I haven't taken any hallucinogens, so I can rule that out. What I'm left with is my clinical depression, the depression of the previous month's events, and stress. I always knew it would take time to get back to the way things were, but after a few hours of discussion with the doc, he suggested that these effects may be more lasting than that. As in permanent. Under extreme conditions, a person can undergo a lasting change in their personality and in the way see/deal with the world and situations around them.

If this is a lasting effect, this is going to be really interesting to learn to cope with and work around.