"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you're living in a dream.
Many people have a passing experience of depersonalization or derealization at some point. But when these feelings keep occurring or never completely go away, it's considered depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder is more common in people who've had traumatic experiences.
Depersonalization-derealization disorder can be severe and may interfere with relationships, work and other daily activities." Mayo Clinic.Confirmed.
I stared at the wall for an hour tonight, doing nothing, thinking nothing, silent. I made myself seek company and found it hard to care about anything that people were saying. Topics that normally would draw me out just washed over me.
Over the weekend, I visited family and friends. Almost nine minutes in - I counted - I was ready to go home. But the weekend was spent away from home, in a guest room. I watched myself sit. I watched myself tap my fingers. I counted how many times I blinked while I added sums in my head clumsily. I observed myself forcing carefully constructed greetings and jokes, the smile never looking quite right to me - always a bit off. Insincere. Underneath, there was a blankness, a chapter in my book that had been misplaced or just left out. I had to improvise and I never properly pulled it off. I was sure once or twice that people were catching on. I guess I just got lucky.
I drifted along minute after minute. When I woke Sunday, I just lay there for a long time. I didn't get out of bed almost all day.
Still I feel like nothing is real. Still I have trouble getting back to myself, getting back to feeling and living.
I realize now that I never regained what I lost in August.
I'm still not me.
Not human.
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