Stillness in the Eye of the Storm

 “I guess I should have reacted the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I've put myself back in the company of others, but I'm alarmed to find that it takes more energy than before, being social. Introverts always expel a certain amount of energy around others, but lately it's taking more and more. I find it more difficult to simulate the appropriate emotion when I don't feel it and cringe when I come in physical contact with others. Even accidentally brushing their arm as I pass leaves me recoiling as if scalded.

Everything feels so busy. It feels like time is speeding up and I am slowing down.

Silence is palpable. I have to fill it with downloaded sounds of thunderstorms or rushing water, especially during sleep. Even in the shower, I need to play music loudly. Not a second must be silent. I always valued silence before this. I'm unsure why I now fear it.

I enjoyed simple, repetitive tasks because they gave me time to daydream or think. Now they leave me feeling frustrated and empty.

Nothing feels very real. I feel too still in a world that's rushing by in a blur.

I've concluded that in the month I spent separated from myself and the rest of the world, I've become a bit disconnected with reality. I talked to the psych and it was suggested that I was experiencing depersonalization disorder. He said that this was common for someone in my situation. The causes are cited as: 

"...severe stress; major depressive disorder and panic; and hallucinogen ingestion. People who live in highly individualistic cultures may be more vulnerable to depersonalization, due to threat hypersensitivity and an external locus of control." wikipedia.org

I haven't taken any hallucinogens, so I can rule that out. What I'm left with is my clinical depression, the depression of the previous month's events, and stress. I always knew it would take time to get back to the way things were, but after a few hours of discussion with the doc, he suggested that these effects may be more lasting than that. As in permanent. Under extreme conditions, a person can undergo a lasting change in their personality and in the way see/deal with the world and situations around them.

If this is a lasting effect, this is going to be really interesting to learn to cope with and work around.