Sort of suicidal trigger warning.
I've been trying to give some self-love here. That doesn't mean masturbation. (Well, maybe not haha.) Basically right now, I've just been playing violent videogames, drinking alcohol, and watching YouTube. I'm trying to remember that it's okay to be angry. It's okay to want to punch someone. It's okay to take time for myself and tell people to fuck off. It's okay to block to spare my sanity. It's okay because I'm human and I'm not going to suppress my emotions anymore.
I'm trying to sort things out and see what I'm feeling. I mostly feel betrayed. I feel like people don't listen to me when I tell them what I need. They always say to communicate what I need, that they'll be there to support me. But when I tell them no negativity - even if I previously told them otherwise, I recently was very clear on my stance - they continue to spout it, then get pissed off when I stand my ground. What they're essentially telling me is that it doesn't matter that their negativity is going to push me to suicide. They need me, so I have to just sacrifice my peace of mind to help them - even though they have other friends and means of support. And who the fuck begrudges someone a therapist? "You have one, I don't." There are other resources - hotlines, forums, online groups, even a free app where you can text for support. There are resources. And I am not her only friend. Why does it all have to be put on me when she knows what kind of space I'm in?
And then she accuses me of not caring about her. Not loving her. Just because I want to put my sanity and mental health first. She was all on board with this until it stopped suiting her, and that tells me that she's the one who doesn't care. Which hurts deeply. And then to see pop up in my feed that this isn't something "worth mentioning." Well, insult to injury definitely. Not that I'm one to talk, ranting on my blog to thousands of strangers. But at least I think this was significant. At least I think this whole thing matters. At least I say that it affected me. This really just reinforces that I don't matter. I am not useful to her, so she's comfortable picking fights and telling me to block her.
Or is this yet another of her sick, twisted games? Because she's admitted multiple times in the past that she'll push people away to see if they'll stay. It's unhealthy to mess with people like that. But for once, I'm resolved to make myself not give a damn. She can guilt trip all she wants. She can act like I'm the monster because I don't drop everything to coddle her when she has other people to turn to. She can be passive aggressive and pick fights because it's "just the space" she's in. But you know what? It won't be with me. Not anymore. Because I'm choosing sanity. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing not to cut my wrists or drink myself into a coma like I want to right now. I'm choosing to let her go and live my life free of her drama and negativity, free of her aggression and accusations, free of all of her mind games. Because if she won't care enough not to keep pushing me when I'm standing on the edge, then I won't care if I ever speak to her again.
It hurts for now, and I'll probably have moments of weakness where I write dozens of messages and delete them. I'll probably cry and keep thinking about killing myself some more. I'll probably stay in bed and stop eating, maybe write more rage-fueled blogs or make myself sick with the stress of it. But I know that it'll eventually get better. I'll stop trying to end it. I'll stop writing groveling messages. I'll get out of bed and shower, brush my hair. I'll eat a snack and play with my cats. I'll be human again. And I'll do that all on my own - without worrying about what she's going to do next.
Remember, guys. Abusive relationships aren't just for parents or significant others. They can include your "friends" too. So if your stomach is constantly in knots because they are starting to get in "moods", if you lose sleep because of the things they say, if you doubt yourself and the kind of person you are, if they play mind games with you just to see what you'll do and if you'll stay, if you sink into deep depression each time they fight with you - step back and let them go. You're worth more than that.
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