Death and Depression Part 5: To Hell and Back - Redemption

It has been eight days. As I have my whole life, I struggle to balance the two halves of my whole. Having seen life through the eyes of my darkest side, I can no longer doubt that my psych profile was right - at least in part. Yes, I am a highly functioning sociopath - but that's not all of me. I affectionately call myself a freak hybrid. One half of me has a complete disregard for human life, a cruel attitude, easily manipulating and mocking others just for fun, smiling while wishing for everyone to burn... But another side of me tempers it, keeping the peace. It shows understanding (even if I don't feel the same), impartiality, a desire for honesty and loyalty, a craving for acceptance and affection, and even the occasional love for others.

Sometimes it does get too dark. I fed the corrupt side of me and it grew stronger; there's no changing that. The two halves of me constantly fight for control. I can see the truth behind both of them. Yes, humans are inherently evil. But like me, they can choose to keep it in check.

It's cliche to quote from Harry Potter, I know. But those books have had a profound effect on me. It's far more than it seems. It is - among many other layers - a struggle between the dark and the light in all of us...

"... [T]he world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." 

(Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix film, 2007)

Lately, I find myself flipping back through the pages, searching for the lines that remind me...

“It is our choices... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” 
- J.K. Rowling  (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

I have the ability to be cruel. I have the ability to do the unthinkable. But I choose not to.

It's a long way back from Hell, and the road is full of unseen pitfalls that test me. But I will stick to the morals that have gotten me this far. I can only hope that with time, I'll find a way to finally beat this, to be human again. You may say "you're still human," but having lived through those last 30+ days, I can honestly say, "No. I'm not." I may be a human physically, but under the flesh, I still have a long way to go to get back to humanity. It won't be easy, but I have to believe I'll make it.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
- J.K. Rowling  (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
- J.K. Rowling  (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/44-magical-j-k-rowling-quotes/#sthash.yIjBJEPn.dpuf

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
- J.K. Rowling  (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/44-magical-j-k-rowling-quotes/#sthash.yIjBJEPn.dpuf

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
- J.K. Rowling  (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/44-magical-j-k-rowling-quotes/#sthash.yIjBJEPn.dpuf