Paranoia (Might As Well Sink)

Paranoia is my norm.
Someone posted an article on things narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths do to manipulate the people in their lives. We have only one mutual friend. She and I argue a lot and I don't doubt that she probably vents to him; they're good friends, so why not? So when he tagged her (and only her), paranoia kicked in. Is this about me, I wondered. Is this what he thinks of me? Does he secretly hate me? Do they regularly talk about me and what a bad person I am? All this time he's being kind to my face, is he telling her to ditch me? Is he only around so he can watch me and have something to bash on behind my back? The stress hit, then the physical pain began. I'm not supposed to get worked up, I reminded myself. It's bad for my health right now. But I can't let it go. It's all I can think about. I'm constantly stressing about how people see me and what they're doing/saying when I'm not around. I'm always thinking that they're talking badly about me and laughing at me.

I'm not that way...
I tell other people to give me the benefit of a doubt. That's because I'm a fairly straightforward person. If I don't like you, I'll tell you. If I have a problem with you, you'll know. I say things to your face. I'm pretty obvious with how I feel about you. If it's not obvious, don't assume because it's almost always not what you think. Don't assume I'm laughing at you or making fun of you; if I am, there will be zero doubt because it'll be so very obvious. I'm that easy to understand when it comes to how I relate to you personally.

People are inherently evil.
But other people? Not so much. They're sneaky and two-faced. In my life, people I've thought were friends were just using me. As soon as I was no longer useful to them, they treated me like shit and left me - often out of the blue when nothing was wrong. They've laughed at me, talked about me behind my back, gotten together in groups without me to hang out and talk about me, dated people I liked just because I liked them, spread rumors, and worse. That's why I can't bring myself to give them the benefit of a doubt. I know I would never do that. It would go against my core beliefs and make me hate myself. It's almost physically impossible to do that. I can't understand how others so easily do it. I have no doubt it's just the evil of human nature.

I want to be...
People are just evil, myself included. Only difference, I don't want to be. I want to be someone good, useful. I want to be the kind of person people seek out. I want to be a person that no one wants to cross and everyone wants in their corner. I want to be someone that no one can really speak badly of because I only act rationally, reasonably, and with the best interests of the individual and/or bigger picture in mind. I want to be the person that is trusted to lead and protect, to make the tough decisions. I want to be relied on and admired.

Are you talking about me?
In discussions with my group, there was posed the question of why paranoia exists. Is it useful? Is it necessary? Paranoia serves its purpose in some ways. It's good to have a healthy amount of distrust. If Caesar had more paranoia, perhaps he would've seen Brutus's knife coming a mile away. All leaders must have paranoia; it helps them be wary of those around them for purposes of survival. But even the common folk should be paranoid sometimes. Is that stranger looking at me too long? Is that man following me? Is that person armed? These are all good survival tools.

But how does wondering if someone is talking about me benefit me? How does obsessing over what people are thinking of me help? I thought about this a lot after that group session.

1. What is important to me?
2. What would life be like if I was generally disliked?
3. What would happen to me if my image was compromised or tarnished?

After a long look, I realized...

Image is important to me. After years of neglect, abuse, and general misery... Why wouldn't I want to be a beloved figure? I felt so helpless for so long, just emotionlessly allowing the tumultuous waves to throw me about and drag me under. When I finally discovered the strength to struggle, I found the ocean wasn't empty. Other people were being tossed about and drowned.

Those who suffer together are bonded together. Those who bear the same burden become brothers and sisters united. These people, these drowning people, were the same. They were mine.

1. Image: I want to be seen as someone strong, someone who can make tough decisions and help others. I want to be seen as a reliable, rational protector. When they are drowning, I want them to look over and see me. I want them to reach out and take the hand I'm offering.
2. If I was disliked... Then what use would I be? If people disliked me, I could never achieve greatness. I could never mean anything and the world wouldn't mourn if I died. No one would trust me, no one would want my help, and I would be nothing more than a bad taste on the tongue of anyone that spoke my name. I would be as good as worthless. I need love, admiration, friendship, and trust to survive...
3. If my desired image is ruined... I would likely die. I would just give up. I need to be needed. I want to be wanted. I have to be great and do amazing things. I have to be important to people to find meaning in my life. It's all that keeps me alive right now. But why can I not handle people relying on me and venting to me right now? Because I'm still at risk for suicide. My image and perception of worth is still being rebuilt, still more fragile than glass. I'm still recovering from the blow I was dealt, still picking up the pieces and gluing them back together. Every time I have tried to kill myself, it's because I felt that my image was gone and I was disliked. The reason for my existence was taken away. There was no point in continuing life if I wasn't admired, loved, looked up to. There was no reason to draw breath if I wasn't important and needed. Why keep struggling against those waves if no one will take your hand? What reason is there to keep fighting if everyone around you keeps drowning? What is the point of existing if you can't be loved, if you can't inspire hope and help others?

Might as well sink.

Is that post about me? Does he think I'm a bad person? Am I not fighting hard enough against what I am? Are my efforts going unnoticed? Will no one take my hand?

Might as well sink...

Organ damage, loss of family, and new life direction...

I have recently found out that I have damaged some internal organs. Long story short, there was blood and pain and nausea. I have to take things slowly and carefully for a while. There is no one to talk to about this. People always say that they are there for you when you need them, but when you look... They can't be bothered with you and you just feel like a burden. If your friends make you feel this way...

Look, I don't fucking know anymore. I can't be there for them because I'm not stable and I'm a suicide risk. They can't be there for me for whatever reason. But that still leaves me with no one to talk to. I'm all alone with this. So I do what I do best: I go to my anonymous blog where no one comments and no one even subscribes. Is it comforting to vent? Yeah, sure. In some ways. Do I still need someone to comfort me and tell me that I'm not going to die? That would be nice. Am I going to get that? No.

Another thing that has turned my world upside down: my aunt committed suicide two weeks ago. I never saw it coming. She never talked to any of us about it. No one knew she was having problems. Aside from grieving, I'm terrified that it could be me one day. I never can talk about it either. Everyone I talk to has one of the following reactions:

1. Ignorance. "Just perk up and stop being sad. Exercise and get fresh air. You'll be fine." Gee. Thanks. Like it's so easy to do. Treatment resistant clinical depression finally has a cure! Just stop being sad and take a walk. Brilliant. My life is saved. Let me say this clearly: YOU CANNOT JUST SNAP OUT OF TRUE DEPRESSION. IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN YOUR BODY. IT IS THE WAY YOUR BRAIN IS WIRED. IT'S PART OF YOU AND YOU CANNOT JUST "STOP BEING SAD."
2. Overreaction. They take the butter knives away at dinner. They watch me like a hawk. If I go to take an aspirin for a migraine, they insist on opening the bottle and giving me the minimum dose before hiding the bottle. They demand to know where I'm going every time I leave for the bathroom to piss. They don't trust me at all, and they make me feel like a freak. It's humiliating, depressing, and it stresses me out. This is not at all helpful.
3. Irritation. "I'm going through my own things and let's face it. You're depressed all the time. You're always going through something. Nothing's going to change, so I just need to focus on myself right now. Don't talk to me about it again, okay? I don't want to hear that negative stuff." Everyone goes through things. My life happens to be shittier than most in certain aspects. If I could change that, I would. Depression never goes away, especially since I can't take medication. Does that make me less deserving of support just because you're having a bad day? But when problems are small and you won't accept my help, then use that as an excuse not to help me when I'm afraid and alone (like I was promised these people would), I can't help but feel this is personal. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me that they had their own issues: they couldn't go out drinking with their friends because they had to do a paper, they couldn't get their parents to dish out more money to fix all the problems in their life, some guy wouldn't text them back about weekend plans... Come on. Seriously? That takes precedence? Just makes me feel great about myself. (Heavy on the sarcasm.)

Basically, I can't talk to anyone because they make me feel worse, don't and won't understand, or just can't be bothered with me for whatever reason. Yet, when things get bad they always say that they'll be there for me when I need them. I can only conclude that this is only said to alleviate any guilt they felt in ignoring me until they realize how bad things had gotten.

On top of that, I'm legally changing my name soon to avoid my father (who has decided to settle back in town and wants to harass me) and trying to figure out what's going to happen next. Some family shit went down where basically my family was ripped in half and I was caught in the middle, forced to choose. I avoided that as long as I could, but eventually had to stand up for what is right. That leaves me... Where? For one thing, I have to figure out where I actually want to live now that I don't really have a reason to move back to that hellhole of a small town. And I have to figure out what to do with my life. The further I go in my studies, the more I want to do everything. I want ten different careers. I want to be a workaholic. I want to eat, sleep, and breathe this work. It's beautiful. It's fascinating. It's a growing, exciting field and I'm at the beginning of it all. The world is open and all I can think about is how I'll never see my nephews again, how I'll never speak to my brother or sister-in-law no matter how much I want to - because they won't let me. And how my health is declining rapidly.

I'm scared. My whole life is changing fast.

And I'm alone.

Lost in Translation

I really can't help the way I think and feel, just as you can't. You don't realize when you hurt me, and I bottle it up. I bury it so no one has to see. I'm ashamed of having feelings. I'm ashamed of letting things get to me. I am supposed to be a wall. I'm supposed to be an iron fortress. But I'm not. I'm just a person who feels everything whether they want to or not.

You say you like cold climates. I don't live in particularly cold climates. It's temperate. We made plans in the distant past to go to the tropics. I casually say that the tropics are nice. You say you much prefer the cold. The tropics burn. You can't wear sunscreen. Paris is so much better even though you've never been to the tropics. You want to buy a home there so that you're always in cold weather.

My translation: "I don't like warmth and humidity. I made plans to live elsewhere. Where you live and where we had planned to go will make me unhappy."

My solution: I don't want you to be unhappy. You don't have to come here anymore. I will accept that our past plans are in the past and that they won't happen. Reality check received.

You say you don't want to join a game. You have no interest. You don't like it.
My thought: "I really had hoped it would be something you'd enjoy because it has all your favorite elements. Even if you don't understand the world, it's not important. It can be anything you make of it. But since you don't like it, I'll remind myself not to be hurt and instead of putting you on the spot with future invitations, I'll kind of feel the situation out and gather my own conclusions from your responses."
Your thought: I'm pissed because you won't play my one specific game and I'm throwing a fit over it.

You want to play an old game that's caused personal troubles for us.
My inner reaction: "Great. Now we'll fight again and take a giant leap back. I'll be risking any progress I've made with you and maybe this time we'll never speak again. But it's something you really want. It makes you happy. Do I start again and show you with this gesture that I trust you and would risk anything to make you happy? Or do I refuse to try and preserve what we have, and risk hurting your feelings? Either way, I could ruin our friendship forever."
My outer reaction: *silence*
Your conclusion: I'm still angry with you.
Your outer reaction: Asking if promising to behave will make me play a game with you.
Inner feelings: "She feels like I don't think she's good enough. She feels like she's being punished. I'm the worst friend on the planet and I should just go jump into a ravine so my body breaks and that'll just eliminate the need for having to choose."

I realize that no matter what, I'm always going to fall short because I'm really not good enough for this. I'm not strong enough, I have too much distrust of people, and I'm constantly hurting. I expect you to be more intuitive than you are and I can't express how I feel except to strangers in an anonymous blog.
My conclusion: "Nothing is ever going to be the same, is it? I can't do anything without hurting you and I can't show you when you hurt me. We're both in this perpetual state of limbo where we both want to be careful and don't think that we should have to give any ground. We want to change to make each other happy, but at the same time defiantly assert that we should be accepted as we are. I shouldn't try anymore because it's just wasted. It's never going to get past this."
Your conclusion: I don't want things to be okay. I don't want to be happy. I don't want us to be friends. Every time you try to open up, I shut you down. Every time you trust, I rip out your heart and laugh at you. Every time you share your ambitions, I question why you bother with it. And then I get all offended at the slightest things out of nowhere. I'm horrible.
My thought: "Yes, I am horrible. I expect too much of you. You think I get upset out of nowhere because all my emotions are buried in subtext. You think I'm pissed about the smallest things because I can't tell you what the underlying cause is and how long it's been going on. I can't. And that's my fault. And I'm sorry. And I wish I could show you that I love you in the way you need to be shown. I wish I could be like a normal human so that things were easier. But I can't be any other way because I don't know how. And I can't expect you to change. So that's just the way it is."
Your thought: I'm being unkind out of nowhere, pissed off  irrationally and childishly because you like Paris and don't want to play a game. I'm throwing a tantrum and trying to get you to say mean things so that I can feel validated in my suffering.
Inside: "I can see how you'd think that. But I'm genuinely accepting this as my fault. I know it is. You only ever get to see the tip of the iceberg and that really does make me look like a child having a fit. But it's not. And I'd show you that, but I don't see the point anymore. You won't see it. I'll feel hurt. Round and round we go.
Outside: Why bother? Just be silent and sit there. Nothing will make it better. Everything will make it worse. Just let her talk and just take it, whatever she says.


I'm a bad friend.

Blame

I blame myself for the sunshine.
I blame myself for the rain.
I blame myself for feeling sadness.
I blame myself for hurting inside.
I blame myself for every breath I take.
I blame myself for trying to make you like me.
I blame myself for failing to make you like me.
I blame myself for the shifting of the earth.
I blame myself for the cold.
I blame myself for crying.
I blame myself for not being able to cry.
I blame myself for not being there when all my loved ones died.
I blame myself for not being able to tie a noose.
I blame myself for throwing up the pills.
I blame myself for being hopeful.
I blame myself for waking up.
I blame myself for the tides.
I blame myself for destruction.
I blame myself for being blind.
I blame myself for not being good for you.
I blame myself for being good for others.
I blame myself for everything.

But most of all, I blame myself for being alive, for everything I do and don't do that always hurts you.
I blame myself for not being your friend. I always wanted to be. But I never could.

The Way Things Are

People always tell you that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give it your all. Go above and beyond. I don't think those people realize that sometimes, things just aren't going to work...

I've never tried so hard at attempting friendship. I've put so much thought into things. I've tried to pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I've tried to think of things she would want to try. I've tried to come up with ideas of new things I had hoped she'd love to experience. I've bought beauty things, panpipes, hair dye, things from inside jokes, stuffed animals, treats, teas, organic things, fox things, anything and everything she'd mentioned wanting to try or showed an interest in. But I guess in my excitement to give her my version of affection, my way of saying what I can't say, I waited too long.

She no longer likes half the things I bought for her. She no longer has interest in the plans we'd made long ago. Had I really hoped for that? Yes. Stupidly, yes. Like a child, I hoped that she'd still want to visit. I'd hoped we'd return that friendship shell to the beach together. I hoped that she'd still, in some small way, want to be part of my life. That she'd want to move here one day, after we repaired everything.

So I tried. I made games I thought she'd like. I worked hard to surprise her when I restarted old ones. I tried to show interest in her life, asking the reasoning for things she did. She always seemed offended by it. I guess she wasn't used to me showing an interest and saw it as a challenge of the things she liked and worked for. She no longer seems to want to share. She's said so.

I wanted to make her happy, so I gifted something she wanted very much. She seemed happy, and so I was happy. I felt good knowing that something had gone right, that I showed I still cared. I assured her it was nothing, not a big deal at all. It wasn't. I could easily give her that. Even if I couldn't, even if it was a sacrifice, I would've done it if I knew she was going to be happy with the gift. I showed her how much I had and asked for advice in the hopes that she would suggest some things for me to get and, in doing so, reveal things that she liked. And I'd give them all to her. But that didn't work out. Instead, she gave me a gift in return. I bet she felt obligated and maybe like I was bragging. Another failure on my part.

I had decided to be more open about my life - the people I was seeing, the things I was doing, papers I had to write, books I adored and wanted to share with her, etc. But I always felt boring and like she didn't want to hear it. So I've stopped mostly. I only still share a bit because if I stop all together... Well, I've done that before and it upset her. Maybe I just have to find the right mixture of aloof and present?

I joined her game recently, hoping to make her have fun. She invited me, so I did it. I made a character like me on the inside, looking for a place to fit in, wanting her companionship, openly expressing what goes on in my head - people watching, observing, trying to mimic others to fit in so they'll like her, wanting so badly to be part of something... That also didn't work out at all. Once again, I'm not playing with her but another of our friends. I worried constantly that she'd see it as preference, that she'd think I liked our other friend more. She created new story arcs within the game. I've been torn over trying to make another character to interact in the stories she wanted to be in, rather than trying to chase after her with a manifest of my inner, vulnerable self that she rejected. I understand that was the character she was playing, but I've never tried so hard in a game to be involved with a character she played. I hoped she'd pick up on that, maybe draw the conclusions. Nope. I failed at that too.

But now... Now I realize that things are failing because that's just the way it is. She won't visit. We won't go to the beach. We won't be able to heal things. She'll never be close with me again. Nothing will ever be the same. She will move to France or wherever else across the ocean and I'll still never see her. She will never move here. Things will never be better.

It's killing me inside, but... It is what it is. I'll just have to learn to be okay with that.

Personality Factors Test

In order from least to greatest:

Friendliness: 46%
Emotional Stability: 50%
Orderliness: 50%
Dutifulness: 50%
Warmth: 63%
Gregariousness: 71%
Sensitivity: 71%
Emotionality: 71%
Anxiety: 71%
Imagination: 75%
Self-Reliance: 79%
Reserve: 79%
Complexity: 79%
Intellect: 79%
Assertiveness: 88%
Distrust: 100%

 Take it here: https://personalityfactors.net/en

Today's INFJ Meme/Photo