Welcome Back, Isolation and Misanthropy

Have you ever been so mad at someone that your stress levels peaked and your blood pressure rose so sharply that you fainted? I have - quite recently, in fact. It was not my finest moment, and I'm finding it difficult to let go of my rage because I've had no closure on the subject. I was far too hasty and didn't give myself time to say everything that I needed to say. Now I am left with this anger, this sizzling ball of darkness, and nowhere to direct it. But energy is energy, even if it's bad energy, and it needs to go somewhere. Since I'm not directing it outward at my friends and family, I'm directing it inward at myself. It's manifesting in self-doubt, depression, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, decrease in appetite to a point where I'm barely eating each day... It's just slowly eating away at me.

I wanted to talk about it to my therapist because it helps more than the group, but then I remembered that I've left both because I kept hearing the ex friend telling me that I don't deserve help because she doesn't have it. I thought I'd talk to my friends, but she's made it so that I'm doubting everyone in my life. I all see them as potentially horrible and harmful people. And it's this potential that keeps me from going to them when I need help.

I never trusted this girl. I told her bits and pieces here and there that I felt she couldn't really do harm with, mostly because she was constantly nagging me about it and at the time, I wanted her friendship. So I tested the waters and felt out the situation. Sometimes it would go well - for a while. Inevitably, it would always turn to shit. When it did, I went to another friend of ours. Unfortunately, my reliable confidant is having less and less time because she is moving to another country in just two or three weeks. When she does, the time zones will be so different that we'll hardly get to speak to one another. (Besides that, I've stopped confiding in her because I don't want her more stressed than she already is; I struggle to keep positive and supportive for her, but I do it because that's what friends do.)

Okay, that's rough. But I still have my husband, right? Since he's on the road 90% of the time, I thought I could skype him once or twice a week to talk about things. Boy, was I wrong. When I needed him and opened up, I was met with a blank stare followed by laughing, followed by "girls start so much drama." This naturally spiraled into more laughing and criticism related to females and not to the situation. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him. And that's made me feel more alone than I have in my whole life thus far.

I like being in control and I don't like admitting when people get to me, but this girl really fucked me up. I've had people do that before in the past, immature people right out of high school. I never fully recovered or opened up to anyone, really. Now this girl has made it so that I see villains in everyone I've ever sort of trusted. She's made it so that every second I'm tense and stressed, waiting for an attack out of nowhere (and over nothing) like she used to do. I'm second guessing everything and doubting everyone. I'm skittish, I hardly leave the house, I don't tell anyone anything, I've left my therapy - ALL of my therapy - and my health is declining from the stress.

This is the only safe place I have left. My only haven, my last resort.

[Trigger Warning]

But this can only help take the edge off. It's nice to get everything that's buzzing in my head written down so that I can see it more clearly, but it's like shouting into a void. (Score one for tying into a previous post.) No echo, no voices shouting back. Empty nothingness that will never be heard.

I feel like that void is slowly expanding toward me and I don't know how to stop it. I fear that when it finally reaches me, I will have given up and taken my life.

I wonder what they'll say about me when I'm dead...
And if there's an afterlife, I'll be watching and silently saying that I hated them all.