Lost in Translation

I really can't help the way I think and feel, just as you can't. You don't realize when you hurt me, and I bottle it up. I bury it so no one has to see. I'm ashamed of having feelings. I'm ashamed of letting things get to me. I am supposed to be a wall. I'm supposed to be an iron fortress. But I'm not. I'm just a person who feels everything whether they want to or not.

You say you like cold climates. I don't live in particularly cold climates. It's temperate. We made plans in the distant past to go to the tropics. I casually say that the tropics are nice. You say you much prefer the cold. The tropics burn. You can't wear sunscreen. Paris is so much better even though you've never been to the tropics. You want to buy a home there so that you're always in cold weather.

My translation: "I don't like warmth and humidity. I made plans to live elsewhere. Where you live and where we had planned to go will make me unhappy."

My solution: I don't want you to be unhappy. You don't have to come here anymore. I will accept that our past plans are in the past and that they won't happen. Reality check received.

You say you don't want to join a game. You have no interest. You don't like it.
My thought: "I really had hoped it would be something you'd enjoy because it has all your favorite elements. Even if you don't understand the world, it's not important. It can be anything you make of it. But since you don't like it, I'll remind myself not to be hurt and instead of putting you on the spot with future invitations, I'll kind of feel the situation out and gather my own conclusions from your responses."
Your thought: I'm pissed because you won't play my one specific game and I'm throwing a fit over it.

You want to play an old game that's caused personal troubles for us.
My inner reaction: "Great. Now we'll fight again and take a giant leap back. I'll be risking any progress I've made with you and maybe this time we'll never speak again. But it's something you really want. It makes you happy. Do I start again and show you with this gesture that I trust you and would risk anything to make you happy? Or do I refuse to try and preserve what we have, and risk hurting your feelings? Either way, I could ruin our friendship forever."
My outer reaction: *silence*
Your conclusion: I'm still angry with you.
Your outer reaction: Asking if promising to behave will make me play a game with you.
Inner feelings: "She feels like I don't think she's good enough. She feels like she's being punished. I'm the worst friend on the planet and I should just go jump into a ravine so my body breaks and that'll just eliminate the need for having to choose."

I realize that no matter what, I'm always going to fall short because I'm really not good enough for this. I'm not strong enough, I have too much distrust of people, and I'm constantly hurting. I expect you to be more intuitive than you are and I can't express how I feel except to strangers in an anonymous blog.
My conclusion: "Nothing is ever going to be the same, is it? I can't do anything without hurting you and I can't show you when you hurt me. We're both in this perpetual state of limbo where we both want to be careful and don't think that we should have to give any ground. We want to change to make each other happy, but at the same time defiantly assert that we should be accepted as we are. I shouldn't try anymore because it's just wasted. It's never going to get past this."
Your conclusion: I don't want things to be okay. I don't want to be happy. I don't want us to be friends. Every time you try to open up, I shut you down. Every time you trust, I rip out your heart and laugh at you. Every time you share your ambitions, I question why you bother with it. And then I get all offended at the slightest things out of nowhere. I'm horrible.
My thought: "Yes, I am horrible. I expect too much of you. You think I get upset out of nowhere because all my emotions are buried in subtext. You think I'm pissed about the smallest things because I can't tell you what the underlying cause is and how long it's been going on. I can't. And that's my fault. And I'm sorry. And I wish I could show you that I love you in the way you need to be shown. I wish I could be like a normal human so that things were easier. But I can't be any other way because I don't know how. And I can't expect you to change. So that's just the way it is."
Your thought: I'm being unkind out of nowhere, pissed off  irrationally and childishly because you like Paris and don't want to play a game. I'm throwing a tantrum and trying to get you to say mean things so that I can feel validated in my suffering.
Inside: "I can see how you'd think that. But I'm genuinely accepting this as my fault. I know it is. You only ever get to see the tip of the iceberg and that really does make me look like a child having a fit. But it's not. And I'd show you that, but I don't see the point anymore. You won't see it. I'll feel hurt. Round and round we go.
Outside: Why bother? Just be silent and sit there. Nothing will make it better. Everything will make it worse. Just let her talk and just take it, whatever she says.


I'm a bad friend.

Blame

I blame myself for the sunshine.
I blame myself for the rain.
I blame myself for feeling sadness.
I blame myself for hurting inside.
I blame myself for every breath I take.
I blame myself for trying to make you like me.
I blame myself for failing to make you like me.
I blame myself for the shifting of the earth.
I blame myself for the cold.
I blame myself for crying.
I blame myself for not being able to cry.
I blame myself for not being there when all my loved ones died.
I blame myself for not being able to tie a noose.
I blame myself for throwing up the pills.
I blame myself for being hopeful.
I blame myself for waking up.
I blame myself for the tides.
I blame myself for destruction.
I blame myself for being blind.
I blame myself for not being good for you.
I blame myself for being good for others.
I blame myself for everything.

But most of all, I blame myself for being alive, for everything I do and don't do that always hurts you.
I blame myself for not being your friend. I always wanted to be. But I never could.

The Way Things Are

People always tell you that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Give it your all. Go above and beyond. I don't think those people realize that sometimes, things just aren't going to work...

I've never tried so hard at attempting friendship. I've put so much thought into things. I've tried to pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I've tried to think of things she would want to try. I've tried to come up with ideas of new things I had hoped she'd love to experience. I've bought beauty things, panpipes, hair dye, things from inside jokes, stuffed animals, treats, teas, organic things, fox things, anything and everything she'd mentioned wanting to try or showed an interest in. But I guess in my excitement to give her my version of affection, my way of saying what I can't say, I waited too long.

She no longer likes half the things I bought for her. She no longer has interest in the plans we'd made long ago. Had I really hoped for that? Yes. Stupidly, yes. Like a child, I hoped that she'd still want to visit. I'd hoped we'd return that friendship shell to the beach together. I hoped that she'd still, in some small way, want to be part of my life. That she'd want to move here one day, after we repaired everything.

So I tried. I made games I thought she'd like. I worked hard to surprise her when I restarted old ones. I tried to show interest in her life, asking the reasoning for things she did. She always seemed offended by it. I guess she wasn't used to me showing an interest and saw it as a challenge of the things she liked and worked for. She no longer seems to want to share. She's said so.

I wanted to make her happy, so I gifted something she wanted very much. She seemed happy, and so I was happy. I felt good knowing that something had gone right, that I showed I still cared. I assured her it was nothing, not a big deal at all. It wasn't. I could easily give her that. Even if I couldn't, even if it was a sacrifice, I would've done it if I knew she was going to be happy with the gift. I showed her how much I had and asked for advice in the hopes that she would suggest some things for me to get and, in doing so, reveal things that she liked. And I'd give them all to her. But that didn't work out. Instead, she gave me a gift in return. I bet she felt obligated and maybe like I was bragging. Another failure on my part.

I had decided to be more open about my life - the people I was seeing, the things I was doing, papers I had to write, books I adored and wanted to share with her, etc. But I always felt boring and like she didn't want to hear it. So I've stopped mostly. I only still share a bit because if I stop all together... Well, I've done that before and it upset her. Maybe I just have to find the right mixture of aloof and present?

I joined her game recently, hoping to make her have fun. She invited me, so I did it. I made a character like me on the inside, looking for a place to fit in, wanting her companionship, openly expressing what goes on in my head - people watching, observing, trying to mimic others to fit in so they'll like her, wanting so badly to be part of something... That also didn't work out at all. Once again, I'm not playing with her but another of our friends. I worried constantly that she'd see it as preference, that she'd think I liked our other friend more. She created new story arcs within the game. I've been torn over trying to make another character to interact in the stories she wanted to be in, rather than trying to chase after her with a manifest of my inner, vulnerable self that she rejected. I understand that was the character she was playing, but I've never tried so hard in a game to be involved with a character she played. I hoped she'd pick up on that, maybe draw the conclusions. Nope. I failed at that too.

But now... Now I realize that things are failing because that's just the way it is. She won't visit. We won't go to the beach. We won't be able to heal things. She'll never be close with me again. Nothing will ever be the same. She will move to France or wherever else across the ocean and I'll still never see her. She will never move here. Things will never be better.

It's killing me inside, but... It is what it is. I'll just have to learn to be okay with that.

Personality Factors Test

In order from least to greatest:

Friendliness: 46%
Emotional Stability: 50%
Orderliness: 50%
Dutifulness: 50%
Warmth: 63%
Gregariousness: 71%
Sensitivity: 71%
Emotionality: 71%
Anxiety: 71%
Imagination: 75%
Self-Reliance: 79%
Reserve: 79%
Complexity: 79%
Intellect: 79%
Assertiveness: 88%
Distrust: 100%

 Take it here: https://personalityfactors.net/en

Today's INFJ Meme/Photo

A Letter to Myself

A letter to myself to read on the following day with my studying headache and hangover.

Dear Me, Days like this will happen when you feel like you're standing still. Tomorrow won't be different, and neither will the next day. You might start to lose confidence in your abilities the further into your research you get. With every paper you write and every hour you experiment and study, you'll feel more and more discouraged. What's worse is that no one believes you can do it. But you believe you can. I believe I can. People have often done seemingly foolish and unrealistic things only to be amazingly successful. It's not out of the realm of possibility. Ignore them when they say you need to wake up and do something else with your life. They don't set your limits. Only you do. And why settle? Reach as high as you want and don't ever stop, even if you make it - or die trying. Your life is only limited by what you believe you're capable of. So dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and keep moving forward inch by inch, day by day, one small step at a time. - You