Being Ignored

I've been told by therapists that I'm borderline narcissistic. Those of you who read this blog know that I am young and just starting out in the world. I can't afford regular sessions, so I save up and shell out for individual sessions on rare occasions. On all of these occasions, the discussion always turns to my father.

I didn't get much from him growing up. In fact, the only things I will credit him with are poverty, my short height, and the inherited narcissism. Again, those of you that read know that despite being classified as a highly functioning sociopath (HFS), I'm keeping it well under control and struggling to make some sort of positive impact, as well as attempting to break the negative and emotionless stereotype of sociopaths. So, likewise, I've been keeping a check on my narcissism. This is really hard to do. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm entitled to a bit more respect than I get from some people. I feel like my words and advice carry more weight than the average person because I know more about a person than they know about themselves. As such, I put a lot of thought and insight into what I say. That why it bothers me so much when they refuse to listen or act like what I say doesn't matter.

The issue we're going to discuss today is being ignored.

No one likes it, even if they don't like attention. Me? I don't like drawing attention to myself, so when I go out of my way to speak to someone or let my voice be heard, ignoring me is as bad as spitting in my face. This may sound narcissistic, and it is. But truly think about it for a moment. If you're extroverted and outgoing, imagine how it would feel to suddenly have everyone dismiss your thoughts and ideas, or to stop talking to you as if you don't exist. If you're introverted, or just misanthropic as I am, imagine deciding to stand up and say something, only to have people scoff at you and jeer or act like they can't hear you. Doesn't feel good, does it?

I was thinking about this today as I was being ignored (it gave me a lot of down time), and I realized that it's not how many people hear you, but what you say, how loudly you say it, and how strong you are. It doesn't matter if people are willing to listen. What matters is that you stood up and said it loudly. You took a stand, you stuck by it, and you will keep saying it as long as it takes to be heard.

As for me, myself, personally... I will still be annoyed. And maybe flip them off.

The Temper of an INFJ

I have a temper problem. Shocker, right? Short tempers - or strong, consuming tempers - are common among INFJs. I've heard it described as an extreme rage triggered by a major issue or built up over time on a lot of issues. Most of the time I can be a level headed person, but it took me a long time to keep it in check. (Before you ask, yes sociopaths have tempers. Often, they're portrayed as emotionless robots. As proven in previous posts through various authorities on the subject, this stereotype has no foundation and many psychologists and sociopaths are confused as to its origins.)

Tonight/early this morning was a big tipping point for me. I've been under a lot of pressure and stress - more than usual - and someone insulted me (to someone I consider a friend) in the worst way possible. To me, at least. Then, he started again on an issue he just won't let go despite many pleas to do so - including past ones from the friend whose life he's meddling in. Now, I'll admit I've never liked him. I realize at this time why: I knew guys like him. They were abusive to my friends (acquaintances in high school that I called friends out of expectation) - and a couple of them to me. Physically and emotionally. It set off some red flags with me. So, you can guess what happened next: The classic INFJ rage.

In that moment, I hated him more than I've hated all but one in my entire life - and that's really saying something. I wished him great harm. I imagined him suffering in many ways, especially in those ways he was inflicting upon those very few I care for.

And then I had a moment of clarity: why should he get to make me feel like this? Who is he to make me feel this bad? I control me - all of me. I control my emotions, not this arrogant prick. And that's when I did something that I've rarely done before. I asked for advice. What I received really helped.

I was told to take deep breaths and get out of myself for a while. Call upon my objective side and look at this problem from a neutral perspective. Look at this one problem, and then examine the world at large; see how small and insignificant this moment is. Then I was told to make a choice; go back into myself and decide if I wanted to let this one insignificant moment ruin my night and piss me off, or get a grip on the bigger picture and choose to let it go.

I chose to let it go.

I put on some nostalgic music, poured myself a drink, and reminded myself that I'm striving to be a good person and not allow myself to fall into stereotypes about what I am.

Fuck him. I'm not going to let him matter to me anymore.

My relaxing, nostalgic music: