I've been reflecting with my group about the situation today with the nameless girl that is way too into herself. They brought to my attention that apart from focusing on herself all the time (her own problems and emotions, how everything relates to her, etc.), her main problem was jealousy.
Okay, I'm not self centered enough to say "she's just jealous" every time she throws a childish tantrum, but I noticed they're right. You see whenever one of us (our friends) is successful, she gets bitter. Maybe she hides it sometimes and smiles and congratulates us (to her credit, she does sometimes do this), but underneath she's comparing herself and harboring resentment because she's not doing better than that. Never mind that oftentimes her goals/dreams are unrealistic or too ambitious for where she's at that moment, never mind that she gets impatient and doesn't realize that a lot of her interests are niche and won't be hugely successful in the way she wants. She can't see any of that and instead gets jealous of the success around her.
Gone are the days of her shedding material wants in favor of peace and balance; now are the days where she wants success and status, material wealth. This isn't a bad thing, but being realistic about how to get it would do her well. I know many times we've told her that the things she wants to do are great and all, but not many people are interested in it during this day and age. Not everyone values the things she does, so realistically she can't expect to build this awesome empire on it and become insanely rich like she always seems to want. This is said in hopes that she doesn't continue to hate on herself and lash out at others because she is frustrated. Instead, she sees this as us devaluing her and saying her interests are shit - not at all what we're saying. We only say that it's good to try. It's good to work. It's good to be ambitious and have goals and love what you do - but in the real world, not everyone values that niche interest. Not everyone will be lining up halfway around the world just to have her services. So don't be disappointed if the going is slow and you're not amassing great wealth. So don't take it out on us if we have better luck with our endeavors because we have real world experience and know what people will want, what they're after and interested in. Sure, keep doing what makes you happy, but don't get disheartened if it isn't getting the results you want and don't be a bitch and ruin our happiness just because we find success. Which brings us to this article's main topic...
So You Want To Be A Decent Human With Friends...
How do you be a good friend? How do you be a decent human being? From an INFJ perspective, it's really simple: stop being a dick.
1. Everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you get a free pass to lash out.
So many times she'd accused me of lacking compassion when she'd never shown it in the first place. Everyone has problems. Just because you're having a bad day, or week, or life it doesn't mean you get to take that out on people. Get the chip off your shoulder. Get over yourself. Stop treating people like shit or they won't like you anymore and won't want to put up with you. Problems are no excuse to treat everyone around you like a punching bag, then wonder why they aren't being nice to you. If I did that (and admittedly I have, but have apologized later when I calmed down), she would've escalated it and been a bitch right back. Which I'd expect of anyone. But there's no double standard.
Moral: If you're a bitch, who will want to care about you? Live every day like you won't be alive for the next one. Think of how you want people to remember you when you're gone.
2. Don't push people away to see if they care; it's unhealthy and sick, and no one likes playing games.
If you care about someone, you don't play sick games with them. You don't push them away to see if they care. Instead, remind yourself that if they didn't care, they wouldn't be there in the first place. Look for all the little ways they show they care - asking how your day is, listening when you talk about work and plans even if they have nothing to contribute and your interests are vastly different, coming to you when they're worried about a mutual friend, opening up about their plans, and so on. There are hundreds of ways people show they care if you actually take the time to look.
Moral: Pushing someone away just to see if they fight is creating unnecessary drama and negativity. You're purposely making things hard on them and stressing them out just for your own sick validation. And if you keep pushing, eventually they won't come back. Even the kindest people have their limit.
3. If a friend or loved one is successful, be happy for them.
If someone in your life is successful, be happy. Share in that joy. Celebrate with them. Because as the biblical saying goes, "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous... It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful..." If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy and successful. You don't compare yourself to them and ruin their happiness because you don't have what they have. You don't lash out and wreck their joy, tear down their accomplishments because you are jealous. Their happiness is your happiness. Their sorrow is your sorrow. Be glad they are well and don't think about yourself. It isn't about you.
Moral: Tearing down someone's accomplishments or making light of them (acting as if anyone could do it and stating that maybe you'll do it too, as if it's so simple) is a shit thing to do. Comparing your success to theirs and being resentful that you're not doing as well is unkind. Jealousy isn't flattering, and that's not what caring for someone is about. Let them be happy and celebrate with them - without harboring jealousy and resentment - or don't you dare call them friend.
And that's it.
Now that I know, what do I do about it?
Stop lashing out just because you're unhappy. Channel your emotions into something positive. Write a blog. Exercise. Meditate. Watch funny videos. Read a book. Get some sunshine. Work on constructive plans to solve your problems. Don't blame others for them and/or take it out on them. There is never an excuse for treating a person like shit just because you can.
Stop playing games with people's emotions just so you have validation. Validate yourself. Look for all the ways you can find that people show they care. If people didn't care, they wouldn't be around you. The games you play are sick and unhealthy and cruel. Seek help from a councilor, religious figure, or therapist.
Stop being jealous of the success around you and just be happy for those you love. Stop comparing success. Are they in the same field of work/study in a competitive environment where their success is actually detrimental to yours? Are they taking clients and/or your livelihood away? No? Then why the fuck does it matter!? Keep a journal of gratitude (I'm grateful I have a roof over my head, food on the table, a goal in life, clothing to wear, spending money, a vehicle, etc). Guaranteed, you have more than a lot of people do. And if you're still feeling resentful toward them for doing well, then you're not really their friend. Go find somewhere else to be, and stop bringing others down just because you're jealous.
And that, my friends, is the INFJ way of thinking. Until next time, be decent.
