My last two posts were full of anger and sadness, and I think it's time to clear out that negativity. I removed those posts because spreading my anger and grief helps no one, not even me. It only makes the world that much darker. I've changed them to drafts and they'll stay there as a reminder to me. This post will be uplifting (sort of). I have a wise friend, M. He's always tried to help me. The following section is an interview/conversation we had for the purpose of this post (and for my sake, too).
M: When we care about some one and they do something to hurt us, it cuts deeply. The more we care about the person, the more it effects us. We can brew a lot of negativity this way, and that negativity is unhealthy. It can make us physically ill and disrupt our daily lives. We need to clear the air.
Me: It's hard because I'm still so angry right now.
M: You need to explore those feelings in order to let go of them. State them simply and honestly. Be very clear and direct.
Me: She says I always make her the bad guy. But I feel like that she always says that to make me feel guilty for being angry. I feel that she says things with the intent of inflicting pain. Maybe she's being honest. Whether or not she means what she says, she succeeds in making me feel angry, hated, and depressed. I understand that she is upset. I feel that most of it is her own doing. I have seen it with others. She works things up in her mind during the silence and the pauses and - instead of using the time to calm down and think objectively - she allows her anger to fester, posting things where she knows the other will see them and then deleting them when she's sure they have. This keeps them from calming down and moving on. With the exception of today, I haven't done that. But today, I just had to get it off my chest.
M: Let's think of it from her view - or try to. From all the messages you took a screenshot of for me, I can see the exact point where she starts to get touchy. You didn't pick up on the defensive cues, but they were there. Clearly something else has been bugging her that you didn't take into consideration.
Me: There is a guy. But I don't think that gives her the right to be such a jerk.
M: No, and it went on. She seems to have mistaken the pause where you were typing out an explanation of what she asked, for you being annoyed. This clearly put her in defense mode. Then when the accidental message was sent, that's where the conflict started. She probably felt attacked and like you were losing patience. She then leaped to the attack, which upset you and you lost your temper.
Me: I just feel so sick of always having to pick up on every little cue just so that she won't jump to conclusions. Sometimes accidents happen like that. Sometimes things slip through the cracks and she takes it the wrong way. I'm just tired of her immediately jumping on me and beating me down, then acting like it's my fault that she misunderstood.
M: Have you told her this?
Me: Many, many, many times.
M: Then there is nothing you can do but let it go. Take a deep breath. Imagine this conflict as a stone cube. Tear away a chunk of your anger. Inhale. Ball up the chunk of anger. Exhale. Inhale and let it go on the exhale. Imagine it floating up into the sky and disappearing from view beyond the atmosphere. Let's move on to the next.
Me: She keeps posting things everywhere I go. In my feed, on other site statuses. She keeps saying how I'm inconsiderate, a bad friend, how I don't care about her emotions. This not only stabs me deep because of how tirelessly I work to act like normal people, to pretend to feel the same emotions but also because she knows what I am. But she doesn't care. She doesn't care in the sense that she always thinks of how a situation effects her and how she feels. I doubt she's thinking of my point of view and what I might be going through. She just goes through her life doing and saying what she wants, and when there's a conflict, she throws a huge tantrum. She only apologizes when she feels like it, and never means it. And when she apologizes, I've noticed (but ignored) that she'll slip passive aggressive things in there to make me feel bad - one last jab. Like "I'm sorry that I'm horrible. I'll work harder on concealing my emotions and pretending that I'm okay even when I'm not." That's not an apology. That's a slap in the face. But I let it go because for some reason, I just want to be friends again.
M: You're feeling resentment because you feel she's being passive aggressive and that she seeks to "accidentally" hurt you while seeming to vent. Then when she apologizes, she doesn't mean it and seeks to keep throwing barbs at you while vowing to close herself off in some sort of silent punishment to both you and her.
Me: Exactly.
M: Her possible side of this is that she just wants the fight to be over too, but she's still upset.
Me: Then she should just say that. She could just say that she wants to let things go back to normal while we heal. That we should speak again and try to repair the damage, rather than all these negative and thinly veiled attempts at making me hurt.
M: It's possible that she's human, like everyone. She makes mistakes and when she's hurt she seeks to hurt back. If she feels she's not getting anything from you - negative or otherwise (you do keep distance when you're mad), she could be seeking to provoke some reaction to feel like you still care one way or the other.
Me: It still sucks.
M: Consider that your distance could be hurting her. Take a deep breath and hold it. Think of this frustration and lack of communication. Exhale. Take half of that cube and ball it up. Ball up your resentment. Pack it up tightly and coil your body inward. Pull it tight until you feel you can't make yourself any more compact. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it and count to five. Now, slowly exhale through your mouth as you allow your body to loosen and expand, imagining the ball floating upward and disappearing as the first. And now the last.
Me: She keeps saying that she gives up. That she's done. That I win. I don't think there's winning in an argument. Everyone is hurt and everyone loses. There is no winning. But what hurts most - more than anything that's happened - is that she gives up. It's only been five hours. I've been trying to calm down and she gave me less than five hours before she was ready to write our whole friendship off and everything we've been through over her thinking that message was meant for her. It wasn't even a negative message! To anyone! She just took it that way, snapped at me, I snapped back, and then that was apparently all it took to destroy a relationship. I felt like she was my sister and this is how it ends? She's done? Just like that? She wouldn't even give me twenty-four hours to get my head on straight. Not even a day.
M: As you've said, silence makes it worse for her. Where you're not communicating, it's snowballing. It's possible that five hours of silence from you made this problem colossal and that's what destroyed it. Not the pebble, but a great boulder.
Me: So we're not friends anymore?
M: If she's made up her mind, there's nothing you can do. If she throws away a friendship over a misunderstanding and lack of communication while you calm down, perhaps she didn't value it as much as you did. Perhaps while you saw her as a sister, she saw you as less than that. To you, this relationship was strong. But if she can give it up, to her it didn't matter. If it's one-sided, then it wasn't healthy. Give it a bit more time. If she wants to talk, she will. If she doesn't, you have your answer.
Me: What do I do with the last piece?
M: Smash it. Find a pillow and swing away until you can't anymore. You have to sometimes just punch the pain out. Guys punch each other. (I'm not condoning violence. That's just what guys do. They beat each other up and then they're friends again.) You punch a pillow. And remember to breathe. What will happen, will happen.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Why I Don't Have Female Friends - And Why I Want To Keep This One
She was emotional, fragile, immature. She constantly made assumptions
and picked fights when things didn't go her way. She demanded special
treatment and pouted when refused. Somehow, through all of this, I had
come to call her friend. But I was starting to wear thin. Everything was so dramatic with her. One small fracture in her perfect world and she was ready to end it all.
Meanwhile, I had to sit there and comfort her. I had to make her feel better because I was her friend and I cared. On the inside: I have never had an easy day in my life. Abuse. Neglect. Being moved from place to place, school to school, home to home. Crumbling, infested buildings where I didn't even have a bedroom. Where I kept my things in my mum's room and slept in the hallway or on the couch. Being beaten up daily by my sibling and kids from school. More suicide attempts than I'll ever admit, starting as young as when I was eight. Anorexia. Self harm. Drugs. Anything to make it stop. Sneaking out, being reckless, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend in a desperate search for love and worth. Being beaten by some boyfriends. Cutting myself in concealed places so no one would notice: my stomach, my thighs, ribs, chest. Crying myself to sleep every single night for years. Friends telling my secrets to the whole school. Being blackmailed by them. My closest friend lying to my brother by saying I was a lesbian (among many other false claims), which resulted in a huge family fight that almost got me given up for adoption. And here you are. You can't go somewhere you want? The world suddenly isn't worth living in. Your mum can't give you something you wanted? She must not love you. A friend didn't want to put up with you for one measly day because they are having a hard enough day without your mood swings? You go full emo and talk about how the world is cruel and unloving.
I was angry. I tried to reason that to someone with a life such as hers, these must seem like terrible hardships. Perhaps there was more to it than I was told. But with each of these episodes, it became harder and harder to find some sort of explanation in my mind. I tried to be good. I did. I tried to listen and help, to put things into realistic perspective, to give her a dose of tough love or reality for her own good - because one day, she would be out in the world and see how things really are. And because I love her like a sister, I wanted to make the transition into a real and hard life as smooth as possible. I even offered to let her come live with me. To help her pursue her dreams, whatever they may be. I gave what little I had so that she could feel loved.
But no.
Today, I was having one of the hardest in a while. Several small, but important issues merged into one gigantic "fuck you." I was caught in the middle. They all wanted me to take sides, but at the same time they were sure to get pissed with any decision I made - even if it was on their side. They demanded I mediate. I couldn't turn my back. Family is family, blood or no. And she chooses today to get short tempered. I accidentally sent one harmless message to her instead of someone else, and it offended her. "Done. Bye." An agreement to do something and quick parting for someone else turned into "I hate you" to her.
She makes assumptions all the time. About everything. Instead of asking for clarity to make sure that something is intended the way she took it, she immediately pulls out the guns and starts firing. So when that simple message was accidentally sent to her (while I was typing a long message in a notepad, explaining something she was asking about), she asked what the hell my problem was and told me to stop freaking the hell out on her. This was the last straw for me. She already knew I was feeling ill. That alone should have (in my mind) made her a little bit kinder. I lost my temper and snapped back that I meant to send the message in another chat and that I was tired of her making assumptions and shitting all over me about it.
"Likewise." Really? I have never been unreasonable. If I did something out of anger, it was always justified. I even asked three or four people that always tell me the truth, even if the truth is "you're an asshole." They thought it was justified. But that's beside the point. I don't need to go down that road right now.
"I'm just tired of getting stomped over most of the time." This really upset me. Everything I've done, I've done to help her. Whether to make her into a more well-rounded and grounded person, to tell her the truth even if it's not what she wants to hear, to be honest always, to take into consideration the situation. She appreciates nothing. I wonder if I should even let her move here. On the one hand, for some reason she matters to me - more than most. She's the complete opposite of me and sometimes I want to hit her over the head with a brick, but in her own way she does try to help - sometimes. On the other hand, she's emotional and moody, unrealistic, quick to jump to conclusions, dramatic, holds grudges... I could find a million things to complain about. But for some reason, even looking at all of that, I still care. I still want the best for her. I still want to see her happy.
And I really fucking hate that.
I hate that I should have every reason to walk away by my standards, but for some reason I can't. I think about all the times she's made my life stressful and made me scream into a pillow until I couldn't speak... and all I want is to make up with her.
My point is, I don't like being friends with 99.8% of the female population. They're hormonal, irrational, frustrating, tedious, and I just hate them. But for some reason, she seems to be the only female friend that I just can't let go of. That (for some confusing and frustrating reason) I don't want to let go of.
She will probably read this and we'll probably get into another horrible fight. But in the end, I'll still try to find a way to fix it, even though I will be positive I'm not in the wrong. I will still make myself sick and lose sleep, allow my depression to creep up and medicate with alcohol, become moody and withdrawn until things are back to normal between us. I will still write hundreds of passive aggressive statuses and delete them before even posting them. I will still complain to my guy friends about "women." I will still rant and rave to the empty house... I will still exercise until I vomit, "accidentally" cut or scrape myself on surfaces to feel calm when I get angry over it, still obsess about every single syllable, still type out countless messages that will never be sent - angry, sad, sorry, begging, raging, and nonchalant. And in the end, I will still need her in my life.
Because God knows why. And it's either a sick joke He's playing on me, or she's here for a reason. I'm betting on the latter, and I intend to stick with her until she is sick of me. Which, based on our recent argument, is likely to be soon.
And I'll still be wondering why.
Meanwhile, I had to sit there and comfort her. I had to make her feel better because I was her friend and I cared. On the inside: I have never had an easy day in my life. Abuse. Neglect. Being moved from place to place, school to school, home to home. Crumbling, infested buildings where I didn't even have a bedroom. Where I kept my things in my mum's room and slept in the hallway or on the couch. Being beaten up daily by my sibling and kids from school. More suicide attempts than I'll ever admit, starting as young as when I was eight. Anorexia. Self harm. Drugs. Anything to make it stop. Sneaking out, being reckless, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend in a desperate search for love and worth. Being beaten by some boyfriends. Cutting myself in concealed places so no one would notice: my stomach, my thighs, ribs, chest. Crying myself to sleep every single night for years. Friends telling my secrets to the whole school. Being blackmailed by them. My closest friend lying to my brother by saying I was a lesbian (among many other false claims), which resulted in a huge family fight that almost got me given up for adoption. And here you are. You can't go somewhere you want? The world suddenly isn't worth living in. Your mum can't give you something you wanted? She must not love you. A friend didn't want to put up with you for one measly day because they are having a hard enough day without your mood swings? You go full emo and talk about how the world is cruel and unloving.
I was angry. I tried to reason that to someone with a life such as hers, these must seem like terrible hardships. Perhaps there was more to it than I was told. But with each of these episodes, it became harder and harder to find some sort of explanation in my mind. I tried to be good. I did. I tried to listen and help, to put things into realistic perspective, to give her a dose of tough love or reality for her own good - because one day, she would be out in the world and see how things really are. And because I love her like a sister, I wanted to make the transition into a real and hard life as smooth as possible. I even offered to let her come live with me. To help her pursue her dreams, whatever they may be. I gave what little I had so that she could feel loved.
But no.
Today, I was having one of the hardest in a while. Several small, but important issues merged into one gigantic "fuck you." I was caught in the middle. They all wanted me to take sides, but at the same time they were sure to get pissed with any decision I made - even if it was on their side. They demanded I mediate. I couldn't turn my back. Family is family, blood or no. And she chooses today to get short tempered. I accidentally sent one harmless message to her instead of someone else, and it offended her. "Done. Bye." An agreement to do something and quick parting for someone else turned into "I hate you" to her.
She makes assumptions all the time. About everything. Instead of asking for clarity to make sure that something is intended the way she took it, she immediately pulls out the guns and starts firing. So when that simple message was accidentally sent to her (while I was typing a long message in a notepad, explaining something she was asking about), she asked what the hell my problem was and told me to stop freaking the hell out on her. This was the last straw for me. She already knew I was feeling ill. That alone should have (in my mind) made her a little bit kinder. I lost my temper and snapped back that I meant to send the message in another chat and that I was tired of her making assumptions and shitting all over me about it.
"Likewise." Really? I have never been unreasonable. If I did something out of anger, it was always justified. I even asked three or four people that always tell me the truth, even if the truth is "you're an asshole." They thought it was justified. But that's beside the point. I don't need to go down that road right now.
"I'm just tired of getting stomped over most of the time." This really upset me. Everything I've done, I've done to help her. Whether to make her into a more well-rounded and grounded person, to tell her the truth even if it's not what she wants to hear, to be honest always, to take into consideration the situation. She appreciates nothing. I wonder if I should even let her move here. On the one hand, for some reason she matters to me - more than most. She's the complete opposite of me and sometimes I want to hit her over the head with a brick, but in her own way she does try to help - sometimes. On the other hand, she's emotional and moody, unrealistic, quick to jump to conclusions, dramatic, holds grudges... I could find a million things to complain about. But for some reason, even looking at all of that, I still care. I still want the best for her. I still want to see her happy.
And I really fucking hate that.
I hate that I should have every reason to walk away by my standards, but for some reason I can't. I think about all the times she's made my life stressful and made me scream into a pillow until I couldn't speak... and all I want is to make up with her.
My point is, I don't like being friends with 99.8% of the female population. They're hormonal, irrational, frustrating, tedious, and I just hate them. But for some reason, she seems to be the only female friend that I just can't let go of. That (for some confusing and frustrating reason) I don't want to let go of.
She will probably read this and we'll probably get into another horrible fight. But in the end, I'll still try to find a way to fix it, even though I will be positive I'm not in the wrong. I will still make myself sick and lose sleep, allow my depression to creep up and medicate with alcohol, become moody and withdrawn until things are back to normal between us. I will still write hundreds of passive aggressive statuses and delete them before even posting them. I will still complain to my guy friends about "women." I will still rant and rave to the empty house... I will still exercise until I vomit, "accidentally" cut or scrape myself on surfaces to feel calm when I get angry over it, still obsess about every single syllable, still type out countless messages that will never be sent - angry, sad, sorry, begging, raging, and nonchalant. And in the end, I will still need her in my life.
Because God knows why. And it's either a sick joke He's playing on me, or she's here for a reason. I'm betting on the latter, and I intend to stick with her until she is sick of me. Which, based on our recent argument, is likely to be soon.
And I'll still be wondering why.
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