Hello, I'm a highly functioning sociopath: Part 1

I've shelled out for psychologists and the like whenever I could afford it, and had them evaluate me out of curiosity. If you know anything about INFJs, it's common knowledge that they always feel different than most people. Until recently, I've chalked it up to that. However, I participate in a group that exists to examine the human creature, find its flaws, and discuss why they are necessary - or eliminate them. Our most recent lessons called for psychologists to evaluate the members in hopes of finding deeper issues that we can work on in order to make ourselves a little less toxic. Interestingly, I had already been evaluated by this particular psychologist on multiple occasions. He asked if I would like to see my file rather than going through it all again. Naturally, I opted for the shortcut and opened my file. What I saw, I was not prepared for...

"Highly functioning sociopath." This irked me. Not because it claimed I was a sociopath, but because I didn't know about it - and, strangely enough, I didn't want people associating me with a fictional character (Sherlock). I found it interesting that being labeled as an HFS, as it will now be called, didn't actually bother me as much as I assumed it would have.

"Sociopaths know that they are different, though they may not necessarily be familiar that the label "sociopath" applies to them [...] When I was told by a friend that there was a label for people like me and it was called "sociopath," I actually willingly accepted the diagnosis. I knew I didn't have the same emotions as everyone else, I knew I had a weak sense of empathy, I knew I was different, and it wasn't something that I struggled with ever." Sociopath World

Naturally, this came up in discussion with the group (it's very open) and they were curious as to how an HFS could be an INFJ rather than an INTJ, and especially how such a person can be an HSP (highly sensitive person). So, they've made an entire study of me (after I begrudgingly accepted). I've learned quite a lot about myself, and even learned that not all sociopaths are cold, unfeeling, evil people. Some are good. Some can feel love, form bonds, and function normally. In this first post, we will look at the different aspects that make up my person.

Note: Whenever I make reference to a "sociopath," assume I am speaking about a highly functioning sociopath (HFS).

INFJ

Why the label? I was labeled an INFJ time and time again not because I'm emotional, but because I'm able to easily read people, I'm very in tune with my environment (HSP), and I have a strong intuition that I always follow. I do have emotions, just not the same as everyone else does. It's not something that's easy to explain, especially when I've fooled myself for so long. I used to believe I was extremely compassionate. Someone could make up a sad story about a rock on the ground, and I would be distressed and try to make the rock feel better. This is not something that was simply done as a child, but throughout a majority of my life. I was overly compassionate. Looking at it now, I didn't really feel it. I was overcompensating for a lack of general empathy. That's not to say sociopaths can't relate to people - it's just difficult in my experience.

Speaking with this psychologist, researching, and reading my file have brought to light that I adapted at a young age. I saw how people reacted to something, I filed it away, and when I didn't feel the same, I pretended I did and overcompensated, making me seem a very sensitive child. As I got older, I was able to reign it in some, but would still seem to respond strongly to the strangest things - like the rock, for instance. It puzzled people, and it puzzled me too. If I had bothered to actually take five seconds and ask myself if I really felt that way, the answer would have been clear: no.

What I've learned. Sociopaths can feel emotion, just differently than most people. It's the same thing as listening to a story. It's the same story everyone else hears, but some may perceive it as a sad, hopeful, boring, or funny. No one will experience emotions the same way, and a sociopath is no different. They just feel differently than the majority population.

"I have been surprised by how often I hear or read someone saying that sociopaths don't have emotions or can't form emotional bonds with other people. Most often it's people talking about how sociopaths are soulless monsters or must live lives completely devoid of any real meaningful relationships, but sometimes it's someone saying that he couldn't possibly be a sociopath because he feels emotions and love, etc. This is all fallacy. The three main diagnostic criterions actually have relatively little to say about emotions: Cleckley only mentions "general poverty in major affective reactions" and a poorly integrated sex life, Hare's PCL-R also lists shallow affect, and the DSM-V's ASPD only says that sociopaths tend to experience irritability and don't feel remorse. Nowhere does it say that sociopaths don't love. Nowhere does it say that sociopaths can't form emotional bonds. There is not a single historical example of a sociopath who is a completely emotionless, robot loner, so I don't know from where people are getting this image of the emotionless sociopath.

[...]

Of course who knows whether sociopaths are feeling the same emotions that everyone else is, but I don't think anyone's emotional palette is completely identical to anyone else. Rather people's emotions are going to depend on their culture, their belief system, their education, the societal expectations placed on them, along with the vast natural and physical differences between people's brain and brain chemistry. This applies particularly to a complex emotion like love." Sociopath World

 Summary. It's common myth that sociopaths can't feel emotion. It's fact that they feel different emotions, but they feel nonetheless.

HSP

Why the label? What is an HSP? An HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) is not someone who cries a lot, despite how it sounds. An HSP "is a person having the innate trait of high sensory processing sensitivity," and "may process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems." (Wikipedia.org) Furthermore...

"This is a specific trait, with key consequences for how we view people, that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, social anxiety problems, inhibitedness, social phobia and innate fearfulness, and introversion." Wikipedia.org

As a child, I was always thought shy and antisocial. This was quickly looked at by school counselors and psychologists, and it was determined at the age of six that I was just highly sensitive - and then at age eight that I was merely introverted because I was bored and I had trouble relating to my classmates due to a high IQ. I was placed in a gifted program where I went to a different school twice a week, and no more was said about it. Since the HSP aspect of my being was discovered and nurtured at such a young age, it has become incredibly developed. Like many, I know what needs to be done to make an environment feel different (change the lighting, rearrange furniture, etc.) and intense stimuli effects me physically.

That's not to say that all intense stimuli has a negative effect. If I enjoy the stimuli, the intensity doesn't bother me - in fact, it has a positive effect such as elevating my mood, calming or energizing me, and so on. However, if I don't enjoy the stimuli (unpleasant texture, loud music that I hate, intense smells that I don't like), it can make me physically sick and unable to concentrate or otherwise function properly. Sometimes it even disorients me.

What I have learned. HSP is very useful in being a sociopath. As the psychologist has pointed out to me over the course of this study, sociopaths are very perceptive and often change their mannerisms and other aspects of themselves to influence outcomes or make themselves fit in and/or seem more agreeable to others. An HSP is also very observant - not just of their surroundings, but of people and their emotions as well. They can read body language of people; for some who are more developed like me, it's as easy as if we were reading everything about you in that current state off a sheet of paper.

Summary. HSPs are observant, and HFSs are perceptive. When one has both, it is very useful and the two feed off of each other in a sort of symbiotic relationship.

In Conclusion...
Now you can see how it is possible for a person to be in these three seemingly unrelated classifications. After many hours of researching and discussions, I've learned that what I knew about sociopaths was only one side of the picture: there is such a thing as a good sociopath, they can be functioning members of society, and they do feel.

In the next post, I will share some questions that have been on my mind and my personal views on the topic of morality. I hope you've found this useful and enlightening. I will continue to post more as I learn about what I am and how I can use this to lead a successful life among the "normal" people of the world. (Though, normal is a relative term and highly overrated.)

Remember, when it comes to people: always research before you believe it, don't stereotype, and (most of all) accept.

- Genrin